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This is most probably my final call for help. I do not think I have the strength to resist the suicidal thoughts that have entered my mind. I do not hve any family, nor am I married. I was engaged once but my fiancee was killed by a drunk driver. I have been a critical care RN for 25 years. My profession has been the greatest for me. Over 32 months ago I was seriously injured while at work. My employer denied me medical care and refused me workers compensation. When I found an attorney to represent me, my employer. cancelled all my medical benefits, all my employee benefits and fired me. My attorney has been working diligently to get my case adjudicated. Like all bureaucracies, it takes a very long time before you even get to the point where you can go to court. My employer knew this. A short time after I was fired, I found out that tests done months earlier had been misread by the physicians at the hospital. I had a cancerous mass on my right kidney. The specialists that I managed to see, without having health insurance, all stated that there had definitely been a malpractice. I sought a malpractice attorney and managed to find one on the web site, Lawyers.com. The new specialists that I saw stated that I needed an outpatient procedure called a "Radio Frequency Ablation". Two hospitals in the State of California perform this procedure. UCLA Medical Center. They would not even see me because I had no health insurance and the other was Los Robles Medical Center(HCA Corporation), my employer. The malpractice attorney had filed notice to the hospital that they were going to be sued for malpractice. A radiologist-interventionist who works at the hospital, and who knew me as an employee in the critical care area, agreed that he would do the procedure on me. When the CFO of the hospital found out that I was to undergo the procedure, she maliciously gave direct orders to the staff and the physician that the procedure was" NOT TO BE PERFORMED ON ME NO MATTER WHAT". This was a witnessed event. The procedure was cancelled. I tried to apply for MEDI-CAL but was TURNED DOWN. I was also turned down for Medicare because I was too young(61). I could not pay for the procedure. For the last almost 3 years, I have managed to live on my savings. These are now gone. I have been unable to pay for pain medication because it costs too much. I tried writing to Senators Feinstein . I was told she was too busy preparing for Obama's inauguratio. I tried Senator Boxer...neither her or her staff even bothered to respond. Not long ago, I was hurting so much that I had a neighbor drive me to the ER in order to get medication or treatment. I was turned away because I did not have medical insurance. Now I will be homeless. I live with despair. I have lost all hope. To top it all off, every day we hear these politicians bicker about a dollar here and a dollar there or "What can you give me for my vote?" It is so sad. They of course have all the medical benefits that they might need and they do not even have to pay for it because they have been BOUGHT AND PAID FOR. I have a gun and never thought that I would ever use it on myself. I have a few dollars left and all I need to do is buy a few bullets. Every day the pain is increasing and my will to survive is diminishing just as much. I did not want to die without at least baring my inner most thoughts with someone even if that person is on the internet. When one has no one else, you reach for whom you can even if it is cyberspace. I do not want my death to be meaningless. God bless all of you. I hope he will find it in his heart to forgive me my weakness.
I pray you found some help and that you are still with us. There is help and hope out there. Please post how you are doing...let someone know... Please