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Sometimes throughout our lives we experience temporary feelings of inadequacy that barely affect us and fade quickly; such as parking to close to a line or having difficulty openinig a jar. There are also those situations where the feelings are more permeating and lasting. One such circumstance is being a grown man who loves and owns cats. If you're a bachelor it's twice as bad since you can't say it's you wife's cat. When one is in a social situation and a ll the guys start talking about their dogs it is just a little disconcerting to hear some one saying. “Last month some one broke in our house and our dog Destroyer immediately attacked the intruder, dialed 911 and held him at bay until the police arrived. After everything calmed down he whipped up a souffle for the investigators using only leftovers from the refrigerator. “ Upon hearing this I'm thinking “Really!?” My house was broken into when I had two cats and they didn't do a thing! They could have at least offered their dry cat food to the investigators As the stories of canine achievement continued and the excitement mounted I got caught up in the moment and in a heated frenzy blurted out ” you should have seen the size of the hairball that fluffy coughed up yesterday”.......... I left immediately. Cat names compared to dog names don't help the situation either. I tried changing my cat's name but it still didn't help when I said you should have seen the size of the hairball “M110 Howitzer” coughed up yesterday!”
It's also embarrassing when someone comes to your house and you have to say”I have a cat but it's hiding somewhere.” When one goes to a dog owners house the canine greets you at the door, tail wagging, shaking hands, rolling over...............it's sickening!Sometimes the experience isn't quite so warm. For example when you go to a dog owners house; the door opens and you are greeted by a man with various bandages and gashes on his body. He is trying to restrain a waist high snarling dog who is making it a point to show you that all of his teeth are incisors. You're standing in shock and the owner reassuringly lets you in on the “big secret”,”Don't worry, Mauler won't bother you as long as he doesn't sense fear.” Looking at this gashed up owner the first thought is “Has he ever “bothered” you? If so give me your definition of “bother. “Also, If I'm not too inquisitive,what does Mauler do when he knows for a fact that you're terrified?”
My life plodded on in a downward cat spiral until the day I got my cat “Schnoopsh” neutered. I had named him Schnoopsh because it was hard to pronounce correctly On the day I picked him up I was the only one in the waiting area as I asked the receptionist for Schnoopsh. After I had paid the fee, she got on the loud speaker and the whole building resonated with,”Schnoopsh McGinnis, Schnoopsh McGinnis, please bring Schnoopsh McGinnis to the front." As the two of us stood there waiting in an awkward silence she turned to me and exclaimed excitedly, “He had the biggest testicles we've ever seen!" Needless to say I wasn't expecting this at all and was caught completely off guard. We had metamophosed from an awkward silence to an awkward conversation.How does one respond to a statement like that? Does one puff up his chest and and spew "That's my cat! !' or "It runs in the family!" All I could muster was,”How long has this place been open?”
“We opened at eight..”
What I really wanted to ask was did this biggest testicle thing include the dogs they had serviced? but I didn't want my insecurities to show. As I thought about it more I decided that it did include dogs. I wondered if they were going to memorialize Shnoopshs' lost treasures. When I was young there was a urban legend that John Dillinger's family jewels were so big that they were saved in a jar of alcohol and placed in a special room at the Smithsonian. I wondered if Schnoopshs' special parts would end up in that secret room? I could see it now, Jar number one, John Dillinger: Jar number 2 Schnoopsh! Or better yet, Schnoopsh McGinnis!!!!
Neutering Schnoopsh was one of those events that changed my life forever. I now go out for a beer and social gatherings with great anticipation. When people start talking about their dogs I listen for awhile and then at the right moment casually ask, “Has your dog been neutered?” Just in case you were wondering the answer is yes.............size does matter!