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Papa lived through the winter, only to die in March. But it was as though he left us in our own winter for years to come.
Six months after my Papa died, my daughter started college and my son was having fun in junior high. I thoroughly enjoyed watching my children continue to grow. I was a 100% participant in my relationship with my husband, my kids and my Mama. But I didn’t have the time or energy for anyone else.
Nine months after my Papa died, I tried to go back to work but I could not focus on the needs of clients when I was needed so much at home. My Mama needed me every day for many reasons, some reasons were very serious. She and I were in a state of transition. It was important I acknowledged I needed time to heal. I realized that to push my pain down deep inside would only be a way of hiding and ignoring the pain instead of dealing with it. So I didn’t commit to anyone at work, which is very easy to do in real estate. I had transitioned all my clients away from me when my Papa got sick and I just never called or asked for them to come back.
I wake up in the morning and the day seems so different. Life has changed and the changes are apparent. Hours feel like days and days feel like weeks. Weeks feel like months and then I lose track of time completely and a week goes by and it is the same every day, so a week feels like a day. And then a year goes by and I swear it was just a few months ago you died. And then one day, I have been reliving the day after your death for two years and I try to change, but I can’t. I’m pulled into this vortex and everyone changes around me, but I am stuck in this one place.
For two years, every day felt like the day after my Papa died. My Mama was “doing as well as could be expected,” as she would say, but after 62 years of marriage…what can I say? That is her story to tell. I would wake up, take care of my family and then spend most days with my Mama. Holidays, and every day, were warm and loving, but we could always feel the absence of my Papa.
Three years down the road, life is understandable and feeling normal again, for me, but not for my Mama. She is well and is involved, but her soul mate, her life companion, her Captain, is gone. And every day, for her, feels like the first day without Carl.
In Response to Re: Daily Triumphs or Struggles?:
I am the last living child, and when my 91 year old Mother needed some help, I decided that the best thing would to move her to an assisted living home. I took some time to find the most appropriate home. I moved her furniture and personal belongings in to her room. I moved her in the next day, and she said that she didn't like it there from day 1. This was last November, I visited her every few days and took her out sometimes to doctors appointments and lunches. She was beginning to get more confused, but was never diagnosed with dementia. Things seem to be going fine through the holiday season. In January I got a call from the home saying they were transporting her to the hospital due to a reaction to an antibiotic. They said that the doctor prescribed it due to a urinary tract infection. I met the ambulance at the hospital, my Mother was in the hospital for two weeks, after having a heart attack, her heart stopped for 3 min. then she brought herself back. She was very ill, and I had to make the decision to put her on comfort care, she had a living will. That was the hardest thing I have ever done. She was released from the hospital and taken to a care center, still very ill thought that we were going to lose her then. She did recover and got up and walked with her walker by March, then she was very unhappy about being there and wanted to go home, well I had moved her things back to her house, while she was in the hospital, due to the sum of money on keeping the assisted living room. I took her home and moved in with her, caregiving 24/7. She was getting around and eating very well, she had "SUNDOWNERS" which I learned was something older people get. It was horrible, she would get angry at me, so much that I found it difficult to deal with. The doctor prescribed meds that helped relieve it. I was primary caregiver until July when she passed in my arms, I am still having difficulty dealing with it, to the point that I stay home and don't want to do anything. I am unhappy and all that I can think about is my Mother. I feel that my spirit is broken. Anyone else have this problem ? Please reply, I would love to hear from you. Thank you for reading my story.
Posted by lp7140