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Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
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Friends & Family
Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
<font face="arial,helvetica,sans-serif" size="1">Grandparents, parents, aunties and uncles — As the song says, we are fa-mi-ly. Here’s where you brag about your grandchildren. Yeah, we know. They are cuties.</font>
If you have experienced estrangement from a family member, you know the pain,and hurt feelings can be difficult to cope with. When family gatherings , like holidays, occur, how do you deal with it? Ar
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Cat:8548aeff-cf8c-4e73-ad17-e0a4380e2232Forum:a47c5bda-a19a-4b46-bc7f-cfd0802bd1a8Discussion:994d474b-4b7d-4029-ae5f-6794e18b1793
Forums » Relationships » Friends & Family » Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at July 10, 2012 2:23 PM EDT
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Posts: 10
First: January 25, 2012 Last: July 10, 2012 |
In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: I wrote it all in journals, and then after 5 years burned them, a statement to myself to move on, questions from others I manage by staying in the positive and to the point, "How many kids?" "Two" and I do know where they are by the internet, more or less, I just say they are healthy and very independent, I don't see the need of putting the bad info out into the universe, none of their business. I promised when they turned 18 I would quit crying, because I thought they would interact with me at their own pace, but they continue to harbor hatred and anger that is what worries me, but I was estranged from my parents, alcohol, for many years, and lived my own life as I pray they do, but I don't want them carrying that anger, there is no reason. Recently I sent all of their baby pictures to them, I kept a few. BUt it was a way of moving on for me, too many bad memories, so many people live through their familiem what their kids are doing, what their grandkids are doing, blah, blah, blah. it is more of a challenge to do it alone, what with all of the expectations of society, but I am independent of the good opinion of others, they usually judge me, so I figure it is none of their business. My current boyfriend didn't tell me he had two other kids until we were attacked for child support, the kids are 25, and they are angry, I suppose we have alot of angry people out there. Posted by Fearby I'm wondering what are they so angry about? Were they spoiled brats like my kid and her cousin? So many young people nowadays have this feeling of "entitlement", like we parents aren't supposed to ever stop kissing their asses and taking care of their business. We just need to let go of them, they are like poison in our blood, and they literally make us sick! |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at July 10, 2012 7:51 PM EDT
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Posts: 944
First: September 16, 2011 Last: May 22, 2013 |
Dear phaedra666, You bring up a good point about entitlement. Children who have been brought up to feel they can have everything, feel entitled to everything, and are not able to see their parents as real human beings, with frailtiies, faults, problems of their own, and needs of their own. They will learn from life, though, that entitlement only goes so far, and they must still earn their own way, and learn from their own mistakes, too . Love doesn't die, it may be held hostage by estrangement, but, it is still there, and still makes us want to see them, to know how they are doing, and to wish that we could repair the broken bonds. Life is short, and we must live to the fullest each day, no matter what relationships we still have. Our own activities and experiences are important, and deserve our attention. This week end, the beach for me! Sun, walking in the sand, keeping company with someone who cares , and forgetting, at least for a while, that there are losses and regrets. I hope you,too, can enjoy the week end, care for yourself, and enjoy your friends! What are your plans? |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at July 10, 2012 8:20 PM EDT
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Posts: 10
First: January 25, 2012 Last: July 10, 2012 |
In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: Dear phaedra666, You bring up a good point about entitlement. Children who have been brought up to feel they can have everything, feel entitled to everything, and are not able to see their parents as real human beings, with frailtiies, faults, problems of their own, and needs of their own. They will learn from life, though, that entitlement only goes so far, and they must still earn their own way, and learn from their own mistakes, too . Love doesn't die, it may be held hostage by estrangement, but, it is still there, and still makes us want to see them, to know how they are doing, and to wish that we could repair the broken bonds. Life is short, and we must live to the fullest each day, no matter what relationships we still have. Our own activities and experiences are important, and deserve our attention. This week end, the beach for me! Sun, walking in the sand, keeping company with someone who cares , and forgetting, at least for a while, that there are losses and regrets. I hope you,too, can enjoy the week end, care for yourself, and enjoy your friends! What are your plans? Posted by BettyCM Hi Betty, My plans are always pretty much the same; just try to keep myself amused! It's been and will be very hot here, so have to stay inside as much as I can. I have a cat that I love and a boyfriend that lives near me, so I am fine. Hope things are good for you too, sounds like you know how to enjoy yourself! |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at July 13, 2012 10:56 AM EDT
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Posts: 944
First: September 16, 2011 Last: May 22, 2013 |
We all live and learn, don't we? One of the things I have learned is that you can not let negative thoughts ruin your enjoyment of life. You must have something to look forward to , and someone go enjoy it with. If we go through life , every day , thinking of the past, and wishing things would be different, we just destroy our own lives. Yes, it would be wonderful to make amends, and see loved ones again. But, meantime our own lives do go on. Has anyone here truly had a chance to make amends? Were you successful? Were you able to build a new relationship? Were you afraid to even try to see them, and talk to them, for fear of the anger just surfacing again? It would be nice to hear from someone who actually rejoined their lost loved one, andbuilt a new and healthy relationship. |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at July 13, 2012 9:11 PM EDT
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Posts: 1
First: July 13, 2012 Last: July 13, 2012 |
It is so, so hurtful. My son does not speak to me either. He has closed himself off from me and both his sisters. He is married and I believe their marriage is not a healthy one. I don't particularly like his wife but I have never rejected her. Several things have happened in the last couple of years between my son and me and I can see how he could be upset with me but not to the point of not speaking to me. I also have vindication to be upset with him but I am a more forgiving person. I would love the opportunity to reunite with him. I go about my daily activities - I am still working, have my own home, friends so I am busy. But I mourn his presence in my life - the talks we had, the laughs, the sharing. I am good as long as I stay busy. When I am alone, I become reflective and sad, very, very sad. He does not respond to my calls, cards, but occasionally I still try. It has been about 1-1/2 years and I feel devastated and instead of thinking of the good things I did as a mother, I think of all the wrong things. But I reason that it cannot be all my fault - he had a father too. We are divorced and have been for a long time. It was very difficult on the children and on me also. I had a friend who was estranged about 12-15 years. They reunited in the year that she passed away. I remember thinking, "how could she get through that?" and here I am, experiencing the same thing. I do believe you have to keep positivity in your life!! And faith and trust. |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at July 16, 2012 4:17 PM EDT
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Posts: 944
First: September 16, 2011 Last: May 22, 2013 |
In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: It is so, so hurtful. My son does not speak to me either. He has closed himself off from me and both his sisters. He is married and I believe their marriage is not a healthy one. I don't particularly like his wife but I have never rejected her. Several things have happened in the last couple of years between my son and me and I can see how he could be upset with me but not to the point of not speaking to me. I also have vindication to be upset with him but I am a more forgiving person. I would love the opportunity to reunite with him. I go about my daily activities - I am still working, have my own home, friends so I am busy. But I mourn his presence in my life - the talks we had, the laughs, the sharing. I am good as long as I stay busy. When I am alone, I become reflective and sad, very, very sad. He does not respond to my calls, cards, but occasionally I still try. It has been about 1-1/2 years and I feel devastated and instead of thinking of the good things I did as a mother, I think of all the wrong things. But I reason that it cannot be all my fault - he had a father too. We are divorced and have been for a long time. It was very difficult on the children and on me also. I had a friend who was estranged about 12-15 years. They reunited in the year that she passed away. I remember thinking, "how could she get through that?" and here I am, experiencing the same thing. I do believe you have to keep positivity in your life!! And faith and trust. Posted by BonnieKay18 Dear BonnieKay18, The post you wrote could have been from any one of us who have been dealing with estrangement. The hurt, the mourning of their presence in our lives, and the sense of devastation, almost grief-like is all too real to us. But, you pointed out that you have those reflective moments, when the sadness hist s very hard, and we can even put blame on ourselves , when we have not done anything deliberately to cause this rift. That reflection can become a habit and only leads to sadder moments, which we fill with self-hatred. Don't allow this, and stop yourself from blaming yourself. You are human and you are allowed to make mistakes, both big and small. And , you deserve to be forgiven for all of them. Give yourself a gift , and promise to remember only the good things , and see yourself as worthy of forgiveness, happiness , and love. Just because one relationship has not worked does not mean that you will not have many others that will work. You gave of yourself to that relationship, and you can give of yourself again, and you will be appreciated for who you are, and what you do. Thank you for reminding us all that we need to stay positive! |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at July 19, 2012 5:58 PM EDT
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Posts: 1
First: July 19, 2012 Last: July 19, 2012 |
In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope? : Dear BonnieKay18, The post you wrote could have been from any one of us who have been dealing with estrangement. The hurt, the mourning of their presence in our lives, and the sense of devastation, almost grief-like is all too real to us. But, you pointed out that you have those reflective moments, when the sadness hist s very hard, and we can even put blame on ourselves , when we have not done anything deliberately to cause this rift. That reflection can become a habit and only leads to sadder moments, which we fill with self-hatred. Don't allow this, and stop yourself from blaming yourself. You are human and you are allowed to make mistakes, both big and small. And , you deserve to be forgiven for all of them. Give yourself a gift , and promise to remember only the good things , and see yourself as worthy of forgiveness, happiness , and love. Just because one relationship has not worked does not mean that you will not have many others that will work. You gave of yourself to that relationship, and you can give of yourself again, and you will be appreciated for who you are, and what you do. Thank you for reminding us all that we need to stay positive! Posted by BettyCM[/QU BettyCM. The words you speak are very uplifting for me. I have searched the internet for months for answers on how to cope with estrangement. Nothing I have read has touched me and made me feel worthy of happiness until now. I stumbled across this forum today by learning about parental alienation. Unfortuneately a little to late... as I have been estranged from my boy for 2 years now. I will continue to read your posts to help me stay positive and worthy. Thankyou for opening my eyes to the other half of the picture...me! |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at July 22, 2012 1:53 PM EDT
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Posts: 944
First: September 16, 2011 Last: May 22, 2013 |
In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope? : In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope? : Dear BonnieKay18, The post you wrote could have been from any one of us who have been dealing with estrangement. The hurt, the mourning of their presence in our lives, and the sense of devastation, almost grief-like is all too real to us. But, you pointed out that you have those reflective moments, when the sadness hist s very hard, and we can even put blame on ourselves , when we have not done anything deliberately to cause this rift. That reflection can become a habit and only leads to sadder moments, which we fill with self-hatred. Don't allow this, and stop yourself from blaming yourself. You are human and you are allowed to make mistakes, both big and small. And , you deserve to be forgiven for all of them. Give yourself a gift , and promise to remember only the good things , and see yourself as worthy of forgiveness, happiness , and love. Just because one relationship has not worked does not mean that you will not have many others that will work. You gave of yourself to that relationship, and you can give of yourself again, and you will be appreciated for who you are, and what you do. Thank you for reminding us all that we need to stay positive! Posted by BettyCM[/QU BettyCM. The words you speak are very uplifting for me. I have searched the internet for months for answers on how to cope with estrangement. Nothing I have read has touched me and made me feel worthy of happiness until now. I stumbled across this forum today by learning about parental alienation. Unfortuneately a little to late... as I have been estranged from my boy for 2 years now. I will continue to read your posts to help me stay positive and worthy. Thankyou for opening my eyes to the other half of the picture...me! Posted by Blues18 Dear Blues18, So glad to hear this has helped you to see that you are important , and should be happy, too! You are certainly not alone, and unfortunately, many of us are dealing with estrangement, in our own ways. Many have been through some bitter divorce disputes that have created this problem. Others have some mental health issues they have tried to deal with, and some are dealing with abusive relationships which leave families torn apart. But, whaterver the reasons, it is still important to remember all the good things you have done, and give yourself credit for them. And, yes, you deserve to be happy, to build new relationships, and to live a good life , filled with joy, excitement, and hope for the future! Today is a good day to start being good to yourself, treast yourself to something you enjoy, and keep your spirits high! Good luck to you , and keep us,posted. |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at July 22, 2012 4:17 PM EDT
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Posts: 12
First: June 9, 2012 Last: July 22, 2012 |
In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: It is so, so hurtful. My son does not speak to me either. He has closed himself off from me and both his sisters. He is married and I believe their marriage is not a healthy one. I don't particularly like his wife but I have never rejected her. Several things have happened in the last couple of years between my son and me and I can see how he could be upset with me but not to the point of not speaking to me. I also have vindication to be upset with him but I am a more forgiving person. I would love the opportunity to reunite with him. I go about my daily activities - I am still working, have my own home, friends so I am busy. But I mourn his presence in my life - the talks we had, the laughs, the sharing. I am good as long as I stay busy. When I am alone, I become reflective and sad, very, very sad. He does not respond to my calls, cards, but occasionally I still try. It has been about 1-1/2 years and I feel devastated and instead of thinking of the good things I did as a mother, I think of all the wrong things. But I reason that it cannot be all my fault - he had a father too. We are divorced and have been for a long time. It was very difficult on the children and on me also. I had a friend who was estranged about 12-15 years. They reunited in the year that she passed away. I remember thinking, "how could she get through that?" and here I am, experiencing the same thing. I do believe you have to keep positivity in your life!! And faith and trust. Posted by BonnieKay18 I don't have many friends as most of the people my age are busy with their kids and grandkids. I really don't have anything in common with them. Don't want my boys to carry unecessary anger in their lives, my parents were divorced, but when I was 12 I told them both that I loved them both and would not choose, some people feel more allegiance, my kids dad is a social butterfly, wasn't my style, stupid me, I thought he would be able to provide them with more and he did, materialistically, Goodwill vs Macys. So I do blame myself, but I still would sacrifice my feelings, I did not want them to see me on welfare, they both went in the military. I am so glad of that, I know they will be able to survive. It has been 20 years, they used to come visit me, but they were choosing between ski trips, or Kmart. I guess they were somewhat bought, until both of my parents deaths, I had relationships with them, of course they were not perfect. But they did the best they could coming from their unique pasts. My step dad is in a nursing home and I try to go visit him often, and wonder where I will end up, who will care for me? My partner has liver cancer and we are doing the chemo, day by day, man how did I get here? I have to really struggle to enjoy each day, Joyce Meyer, Joel Osteen, Wayne Dryer, and Depak Chopra are some of my leaders, of course The Bible. But the deep sadness is rather difficult to describe, death is different as it is not a choice, but to know there is always a chance, makes me anxious. Who do you hang out with, do you have many friends? I just wonder how weird I am.... |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at July 26, 2012 8:19 AM EDT
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Posts: 944
First: September 16, 2011 Last: May 22, 2013 |
Fearby, you are now a caregiver, and doing the job of helping someone through this difficult time. That alone is enough to have on your mind , and filling your time. Choosing between KMarts and ski trips is indeed a part of the separation for many mothers who have divorced. Women who chose to stay home and care for their children often are left in poverty after a divorce. Let's hope the next generations of women will do better. You are kind and considerate, and deserve to be cared for yourself, and somehow that will happen. As for friends, for many caregivers , finding time to make friends and do outside activities is a tough issue. We do have a caregiving group here , where you may find others dealing with the issues of caring for their loved ones: http://www.aarp.org/online-community/groups/index.action?slPage=showDiscussion&slGroupKey=Group92&slForumDiscussionKey=Cat%3AprivateForum%3A86deb5cb-10d6-452b-b5a8-6d2ab1e3b6d9%40D|9%3B7|CommGroupGroup92|&slShowNewDiscussion=false |
Forums » Relationships » Friends & Family » Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
