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Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
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Friends & Family
Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
<font face="arial,helvetica,sans-serif" size="1">Grandparents, parents, aunties and uncles — As the song says, we are fa-mi-ly. Here’s where you brag about your grandchildren. Yeah, we know. They are cuties.</font>
If you have experienced estrangement from a family member, you know the pain,and hurt feelings can be difficult to cope with. When family gatherings , like holidays, occur, how do you deal with it? Ar
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Forums » Relationships » Friends & Family » Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at July 4, 2012 1:42 PM EDT
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Posts: 10
First: January 25, 2012 Last: July 10, 2012 |
Just read today's Dear Abby and it fits right in this discussion, so thought I would share: DEAR ABBY: It seems that every other letter you print concerns a demanding relative (a parent, in-law, sibling, etc.). The writer always wants to know how to avoid unreasonable demands without causing "unpleasantness." May I say a word to these folks? Be honest and admit that the relationship is already unpleasant. Demanding people are impossible to please. They know their control over you depends on temper tantrums and/or fits of sulking and tears. They'll pitch these fits regularly no matter how hard you try to please them. When faced with an unreasonable demand, just say "no." Don't waste time giving reasons or trying to w ork out a compromise. You already know it won't do any good. Then hunker down and wait for the explosion, keeping in mind that the longer you have been a doormat, the more violent and bitter the reaction will be. Above all, do not be drawn into a fight! Controlling people love to fight, and they are good at it. Your weapon should be polite withdrawal. Refuse meetings. Screen your calls. Ignore letters and emails unless they contain an apology and indicate a sincere desire for change. It may shock your domineering relatives into more reasonable behavior. If not, you haven't lost a thing. You may even find that your life is less complicated without them. Draw the line and let your family know that future relationships will be based on love and respect, or there will be no future relations. You won't regret it. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, KNOXVILLE, TENN. DEAR BEEN THERE: People who have spent a lifetime trying to please others may find your recommendations difficult to put into practice. Habits can become so entrenched that they are hard to break without coaching and positive reinforcement. That is why I advise those who feel constantly put upon to consider taking classes in assertiveness training. |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at July 4, 2012 3:07 PM EDT
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Posts: 1049
First: September 16, 2011 Last: June 19, 2013 |
In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: Just read today's Dear Abby and it fits right in this discussion, so thought I would share: DEAR ABBY: It seems that every other letter you print concerns a demanding relative (a parent, in-law, sibling, etc.). The writer always wants to know how to avoid unreasonable demands without causing "unpleasantness." May I say a word to these folks? Be honest and admit that the relationship is already unpleasant. Demanding people are impossible to please. They know their control over you depends on temper tantrums and/or fits of sulking and tears. They'll pitch these fits regularly no matter how hard you try to please them. When faced with an unreasonable demand, just say "no." Don't waste time giving reasons or trying to w ork out a compromise. You already know it won't do any good. Then hunker down and wait for the explosion, keeping in mind that the longer you have been a doormat, the more violent and bitter the reaction will be. Above all, do not be drawn into a fight! Controlling people love to fight, and they are good at it. Your weapon should be polite withdrawal. Refuse meetings. Screen your calls. Ignore letters and emails unless they contain an apology and indicate a sincere desire for change. It may shock your domineering relatives into more reasonable behavior. If not, you haven't lost a thing. You may even find that your life is less complicated without them. Draw the line and let your family know that future relationships will be based on love and respect, or there will be no future relations. You won't regret it. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, KNOXVILLE, TENN. DEAR BEEN THERE: People who have spent a lifetime trying to please others may find your recommendations difficult to put into practice. Habits can become so entrenched that they are hard to break without coaching and positive reinforcement. That is why I advise those who feel constantly put upon to consider taking classes in assertiveness training. Posted by phaedra666 Thank you for adding that article, phaedra666, It is very appropriate to this discussion. For any relationship to become abusive, it requires two people, one abuser , and one doormat, or accommodator. The problem is that some of us even as parents, have been accommodating our children, giving in to their needs and desires for so long, that when it is time for us to get some respect, and appreciation, it just isn't possible to change the dynamics of that relationship so easily. The old days meant that parents received honor and respect without question, didn't they? And, as many have mentioned here, the problems of society, drug abuse, alcohol use, and even mental health issues also become part of the problem in some relationships. While your friends may offer you congratulations of overcoming an addiction, your family may not always be as forgiving. Do we demand our family members have a higher standard than our friends? Or, is it just too hard to forgive, when our feelings have been hurt? The advice of experts, even Dear Abby, is to be glad the relationship is over, but, is that really what we do with family relationships? Why is it so hard to forgive, to allow mistakes, and to maintain a relationship, even one that is only occasional? |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at July 5, 2012 9:08 PM EDT
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Posts: 1
First: July 5, 2012 Last: July 5, 2012 |
In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: In Response to Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope? : My daughter has not spoken to me in 5 yrs. She is 30yrs. old and I don`t know who she is anymore. Does anyone have advice? Thanks. Geri Posted by Geri5799 I have 3 daughters, 2 have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar disease and the third and middle daughter just likes to be in the lime light so she copies what the other 2 say and do only she has to make it bigger and worse. My oldest daughter is 44 and has been this way since she was 18. It was like a roller coaster, one time she loved us and wanted to be a part of the family and the next time she called us all kinds of names and accused us of the most horrible things. She now has 3 daughters who have no idea who their grandparents are because all they ever heard were bad things. The youngest daughter who just turned 31 in May this year, realized herself that there was something wrong with her because she would have such violent mood swings and she took herself to the doctor and was diagnosed and put on medication. Just a few months ago her girlfriend broke up with her so she stopped taking her medications and now she is worse than she has ever been. She was living with us but has moved out and we do not know where she is. All we can do is pray that God will watch over our daughters and take care of them and that when we meet on the other side things will be better. This is the ONLY way we have found to cope. |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at July 6, 2012 4:40 PM EDT
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Posts: 12
First: June 9, 2012 Last: July 22, 2012 |
In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope? : I have 3 daughters, 2 have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar disease and the third and middle daughter just likes to be in the lime light so she copies what the other 2 say and do only she has to make it bigger and worse. My oldest daughter is 44 and has been this way since she was 18. It was like a roller coaster, one time she loved us and wanted to be a part of the family and the next time she called us all kinds of names and accused us of the most horrible things. She now has 3 daughters who have no idea who their grandparents are because all they ever heard were bad things. The youngest daughter who just turned 31 in May this year, realized herself that there was something wrong with her because she would have such violent mood swings and she took herself to the doctor and was diagnosed and put on medication. Just a few months ago her girlfriend broke up with her so she stopped taking her medications and now she is worse than she has ever been. She was living with us but has moved out and we do not know where she is. All we can do is pray that God will watch over our daughters and take care of them and that when we meet on the other side things will be better. This is the ONLY way we have found to cope. Posted by bark1234 Totally agree with you |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at July 6, 2012 4:52 PM EDT
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Posts: 10
First: January 25, 2012 Last: July 10, 2012 |
Yes, Fearby, I think it's best not to dwell on the sadness, especially if you believe you did your best. I believe I did my best and I had to let go... I miss the way I wish things could have turned out, but she has her own life and if she wants to spend it without me, or if she chooses to keep living the way she is, and ends up in prison (again), then so be it, she's old enough to know better and knows the difference between right and wrong. We did our "job", now we just have to wait and see what transpires. Good luck to you. |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at July 7, 2012 9:40 AM EDT
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Posts: 9
First: May 23, 2012 Last: March 9, 2013 |
In Response to Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: If you have experienced estrangement from a family member, you know the pain,and hurt feelings can be difficult to cope with. When family gatherings , like holidays, occur, how do you deal with it? Are you able to forgive and forget, or , do you find that just too hard to do? Mothers and children, Aunts and Uncles, brothers and sisters, can sometimes become so hurt that they do not return to family gatherings. Do you have a family member whom you have not seen for years? Or, have you been successful in bringing the famiuly back from this estrangement? Life is full of loss, and this type of loss is sometimes the most difficult to overcome. What have you done to cope ? Posted by BettyCM |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at July 7, 2012 11:59 AM EDT
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Posts: 1049
First: September 16, 2011 Last: June 19, 2013 |
In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope? : I have 3 daughters, 2 have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar disease and the third and middle daughter just likes to be in the lime light so she copies what the other 2 say and do only she has to make it bigger and worse. My oldest daughter is 44 and has been this way since she was 18. It was like a roller coaster, one time she loved us and wanted to be a part of the family and the next time she called us all kinds of names and accused us of the most horrible things. She now has 3 daughters who have no idea who their grandparents are because all they ever heard were bad things. The youngest daughter who just turned 31 in May this year, realized herself that there was something wrong with her because she would have such violent mood swings and she took herself to the doctor and was diagnosed and put on medication. Just a few months ago her girlfriend broke up with her so she stopped taking her medications and now she is worse than she has ever been. She was living with us but has moved out and we do not know where she is. All we can do is pray that God will watch over our daughters and take care of them and that when we meet on the other side things will be better. This is the ONLY way we have found to cope. Posted by bark1234 Dear bark1234, You have experienced the stressful dynamics of a family struggling with dealing with mental health issues, such as mood disorders. These are some of the toughest issues since they do change almost daily, as you mentioned, and it is impossible to be prepared for each change. Our families need support when dealing with these stressors, but, there are few places to go for help with mental health issues. I recommend you take a look at the work of Dr. Kay Jameson, who has a mood disorder, and also has learned to help others cope with them. All the best to you. |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at July 9, 2012 9:05 PM EDT
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Posts: 1049
First: September 16, 2011 Last: June 19, 2013 |
Maybe it is a good idea to write a letter to your loved ones, whom you have missed for so long. You could at least get your thoughts out, about how much you love them, want to see them again, and wish them well. You could give them the news of what has happened in your life since they have been gone, and what family news you might have for them, too. You could tell them how sorry you are that things have gone wrong between you, and how much you wish it had never happened. You could offer to meet them, or call them...... Would they listen, or would they continue to be angry or upset? Are there any answers to that? We all want that perfect family, perfect holiday dinners, perfect relationships. But, it doesn't always happen that way. We learn to accept life and all its imperfections and we go on with our own lives. . One tough moment for many is that question:" How many children do you have?" Or, Where is he , or she now? You then have to admit that you don't have that perfect life, and you don't know where they are, even though you want to very much. Love doesn't stop when a relationship is stopped. We still love them, want them in our lives, and hope to see them. The letter , for many , would be just too hard to write. Could you write one? Have you ? Would you like to? |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at July 10, 2012 1:24 PM EDT
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Posts: 12
First: June 9, 2012 Last: July 22, 2012 |
I wrote it all in journals, and then after 5 years burned them, a statement to myself to move on, questions from others I manage by staying in the positive and to the point, "How many kids?" "Two" and I do know where they are by the internet, more or less, I just say they are healthy and very independent, I don't see the need of putting the bad info out into the universe, none of their business. I promised when they turned 18 I would quit crying, because I thought they would interact with me at their own pace, but they continue to harbor hatred and anger that is what worries me, but I was estranged from my parents, alcohol, for many years, and lived my own life as I pray they do, but I don't want them carrying that anger, there is no reason. Recently I sent all of their baby pictures to them, I kept a few. BUt it was a way of moving on for me, too many bad memories, so many people live through their familiem what their kids are doing, what their grandkids are doing, blah, blah, blah. it is more of a challenge to do it alone, what with all of the expectations of society, but I am independent of the good opinion of others, they usually judge me, so I figure it is none of their business. My current boyfriend didn't tell me he had two other kids until we were attacked for child support, the kids are 25, and they are angry, I suppose we have alot of angry people out there. |
Forums » Relationships » Friends & Family » Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
