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Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
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Friends & Family
Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
<font face="arial,helvetica,sans-serif" size="1">Grandparents, parents, aunties and uncles — As the song says, we are fa-mi-ly. Here’s where you brag about your grandchildren. Yeah, we know. They are cuties.</font>
If you have experienced estrangement from a family member, you know the pain,and hurt feelings can be difficult to cope with. When family gatherings , like holidays, occur, how do you deal with it? Ar
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Cat:8548aeff-cf8c-4e73-ad17-e0a4380e2232Forum:a47c5bda-a19a-4b46-bc7f-cfd0802bd1a8Discussion:994d474b-4b7d-4029-ae5f-6794e18b1793
Forums » Relationships » Friends & Family » Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at June 30, 2012 11:02 AM EDT
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Posts: 1043
First: September 16, 2011 Last: June 19, 2013 |
In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: Last year, my 38 year old daughter threw a tantrum balling, stomping her foot, screaming, jumping up and down....not the first time she's carried on like this, All I said, was perhaps the reason she didn't get accepted at Ivy Tech for the RN Class and her friend in another city did, was because of the city she lived in. She took offence...thinking I was challenging her intelligence. All I was trying to do was to comfort her. This escalated over several phone calls, emails, finally, I just told her to get away from me...I don't want to live in your drama. She really said a lot of hurtful things to me and said it would be a cold day in hell before she ever said she was sorry.... Not that it would matter now. I admit we've never really been a family, as her Mother and I divorced shortly after we were married. During her younger years I worked 2 jobs that occupied a lot of weekends + 2 to 4 days a week. So we just didn't spend much time together. Then in '84 I started an apprenticeship that turned into a seven day, 12 hour per day job. Good money, but absolutely no free time. I've been retired since 2003, but she's never shown any interest in spending time with me. Only hear from her when it come time for 'funds to exchange hands'....then she's gone with a kiss on the cheek....I feel cheap. She's always lied saying things that she really don't mean to live up to. I helped her out of a legal issue when she was just 13, she was supposed to repay that (supposedly, I said she didn't have to....she said I am getting senile and forgot) I bought her a house, a practically new car....She has neither now, and never offered an explanation. She lives in a mixed relationship with an ex-con, he's lazy and won't work, can't read, has 8 kids of his own that he can't support. My daughter also can't seem to hold a job, she always has an excuse. Her oldest son dropped out of school and works at Lee's Chicken. (G.E.D. or driver's license...NA-DA) The middle son was suspended close to the end of the current school year, so I have no idea what his standing is. The youngest was diagnosed with A.D.D. two years ago; The poor child; I wonder why?. The whole bunch of them just upset me so, but I don't feel there is anything I can do. I'm worried about myself, now that I'm getting older, what kind of treatment I'm going to get from her when I'm unable to fend for myself. Hopefully God will call me up before that dreaded day comes. Do I cope?...Hey; You got to be kidding!..... I'm only sure, alone I'm not..... Posted by ccrider2 Some people believe that the more you give a child , the less they appreciate it. And, your post reminded me of that . Not everyone gets the perfect marriage , the perfect house, or the perfect relationship with their children. We are not able be everything to everyone! You have made good efforts to be good father, but,when children are grown, they will make their own mistakes, and life is the best teacher, isn't it? You worked hard and were a good provider, and that should bring with it respect and honor from your children. You deserve it, and are doing a good job of taking care of yourself now . I hope you can remember the good things you have done, and go through your days with some pride in yourself. Good luck to you! |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at June 30, 2012 11:58 AM EDT
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Posts: 1
First: June 30, 2012 Last: June 30, 2012 |
In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: In Response to Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope? : My daughter has not spoken to me in 5 yrs. She is 30yrs. old and I don`t know who she is anymore. Does anyone have advice? Thanks. Geri Posted by Geri5799 Geri, i went through the same stage of being estranged from my mother because i didn't care 4 the way she treated my long-suffering father. from my early 20's to my early 30's i kept contact w/her at a minimum, calling her only on her birthday, holidays, etc. As my own children grew, i realized how elusive life is--how none knows when for "whom the bells toll," so i reached out 2 her and sent her some correspondence and she readily accepted w/gratitude my gift 2 her. from that point on, we were never estranged, as i had 'grown up,' so 2 speak. i was never her favorite child, nor did i expect my re-connection 2 change. i just wanted 2 have my only mother in my life b4 the door of oppty. closed forever on me. my point? your daughter is probably going through a similar phase--for whatever reason--maybe 4 attention and/or 2 hurt u whether or not she realizes her disposition. please pray, have patience and know that u r doing all u can to be the mother she needs. as long as this is in place, the rest is in the Hands of our Creator...if u haven't done so already, reach out 2 her periodically so she can c by your example (b4 it's 2 late) how elusive is our mortality and u will rest in peace in this life and the next. u can say when u meet our Creator, and He asks 'what have you done, you will have an answer acceptable for Paradise, Lord-willing. He will work this out if u put ALL your trust in Him. take care and know u r not alone. i have children who still call me once a year! i don't hurt as much anymore b'cause i know i'm doing my part by reaching out, checking on them, even tho' they don't seem 2 care abt me (and i have other aspirations i'm trying 2 fulfill.) we r not perfect parents, but while we have the chance still, we can b the example we want them to emulate. reach out 2 her, check on her--consistently--even if she doesn't respond. the rest is in our Creator's Hands. when she 'grows up' she will remember your forbearance. |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at June 30, 2012 12:08 PM EDT
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Posts: 10
First: January 25, 2012 Last: July 10, 2012 |
It's like some kids are just born "bad" and no matter how good you treat them, how much you try to instill good values, they just won't be what you hope for them to be. I believe some are born with mental issues that are just not really noticeable, until you get alone with them, so it looks like YOU are the one that's crazy, not them! Like I said before, I don't know what to do about this problem, I don't want my daughter to even know where I live, it's that bad; she would break in and steal everything I have. Apparently she is on drugs, and probably has been for a long time. She's no kid any more, she is 31, so she has to live her own life, and learn from her own mistakes, I just wish she would have not had two babies she abandoned! |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at June 30, 2012 12:28 PM EDT
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Posts: 1
First: June 30, 2012 Last: June 30, 2012 |
Wow, I thought I had it bad, but after reading some of the other replys I don't seem to feel so bad. I lost a child in a motorcycle accident years ago and after that my sister-inlaw never called me with regrets and it seem a all the holidays were spent with her family and not ours. A few years later, i lost my Mom and as a result I became very close with my Father or so I thought. A year after my mom's death, dad remarried. I thought it was a little soon, but figured it was better for him to be happy and not alone. Same thing happened with the stepmother as with the sister in law. I have not seen them since my brothers death a year after my dad's. my stepmother told me my dad never loved me and that is why I hardly ever saw him after they married. I guess I am hurt because of the things she said and the fact the both of them are the only connection I would have had to my father and brother. Sometimes it hurts inside so bad that i almost can't stand it and at other times i just accept it for the way it is. My kids and grandson keep me going. . Sad and lonely i |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at June 30, 2012 3:35 PM EDT
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Posts: 6
First: July 4, 2009 Last: June 30, 2012 |
In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope? : As the "daughter" that is estranged I can only speak for my feelings. I was basically disowned when I divorced my husband after 22 years and my family ( unbeknown to me) decided to keep him and not me.It was unbelieveable at first then I was hurt , then just plain mad.After much therapy and over 20 years now I came to accept that while I know I was a great mother, good wife, sister and etc... that might not be enough. They simply for whatever reason would miss him more then me.I think each family member had a different reason but in the end I grieved for my loss as you would a death and moved on. My parents have every ten years tried to get me"back in the fold" I assume to assage any guilt they may have before they pass and I am not interested. I am not mad nor hurt but after all this time they are like strangers to me and frankly not the type of people I care to have in my life.There must be a reason, however silly it may turn out to be to you that your daughter is not able to even let you know what it is. You cant apologise nor try to heel her feelings if she wont let you know the reason. Perhaps this is an excuse for something more.I assure you my family would all cry " We dont get what her problem is" if asked. They know, they dont care. With out knowing if you have past times in your relationship like this, physical or mental issues on her part, the only thing you can do is accept it.I hope my parents are healthy and happy but I dont want people like this around me.My whole family sans my daughter always had a very toxic way of conducting themselves as it was so I really think of this as a good thing in the end for me. Good luck. Posted by justneedpeace53 Often times in a divorce (especially if the kids are younger than say 25, there is such a problem called "parental alienation." You just never know what the other spouse is saying, promising, threatening, etc. to keep the kids on their side. If this is a long time problem then there may or may not be hope in reconnecting. I'd get counseling for myself to see it indeed that is the problem. That would at least help you understand you had little to do with the alienation. |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at June 30, 2012 3:52 PM EDT
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Posts: 6
First: July 4, 2009 Last: June 30, 2012 |
In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: Wow, I thought I had it bad, but after reading some of the other replys I don't seem to feel so bad. I lost a child in a motorcycle accident years ago and after that my sister-inlaw never called me with regrets and it seem a all the holidays were spent with her family and not ours. A few years later, i lost my Mom and as a result I became very close with my Father or so I thought. A year after my mom's death, dad remarried. I thought it was a little soon, but figured it was better for him to be happy and not alone. Same thing happened with the stepmother as with the sister in law. I have not seen them since my brothers death a year after my dad's. my stepmother told me my dad never loved me and that is why I hardly ever saw him after they married. I guess I am hurt because of the things she said and the fact the both of them are the only connection I would have had to my father and brother. Sometimes it hurts inside so bad that i almost can't stand it and at other times i just accept it for the way it is. My kids and grandson keep me going. . Sad and lonely i Posted by kay4504 Dear Sad and Lonely, I understand the feelings associated with the loss of loved one due to who they married. My brother married a girl who had a lot of control issues. But, I was just grateful that he was now happy. Then babies arrived. My brother's oldest son from a previous marriage had a strong and loving relationship till his dad remarried married. Then the boy was not allowed in the house as a family member. He was now allowed to build a relationship with his 1/2 siblings. My brother slowly ended our weekly calls, and I got blamed for being disrespectful to the family for not showing up at family gatherings at their house. (Major disability) I just didn't feel emotionally safe there anymore. After missing two parties, I have never received an invitation since. When I did confront my SIL about her behavior she blew up and blamed all on me and my imagined disability. She indicated she had been loving and kind to me since she joined the family. Not in my interpretation. I finally came to the conclusion that she needed the control, my brother needed her, and all that mattered was he was happy. I still call him every so often. It's very hard to step back or be pushed back from a family member or members that you love. I empathize with you. |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at June 30, 2012 6:22 PM EDT
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Posts: 3
First: June 30, 2012 Last: August 16, 2012 |
I'm 80 yrs. old and my sister is 74. We have no children. Our brother (who has passed away) has 3 grown children all of whom are disfunctional , who never call either one of us or show any regard. They were raised that way, and constantly fight with one another. My brother's wife has passed away now too, and since then, they don't call us, return our calls or respond to birthday cards, christmas cards, etc. Recently, my nephew started to call me and even visited with his two sons. He is not on speaking terms with his sisters, has a drug addiction history - etc. He shows some kindness but is very needy and untrustworthy at best. Yes, I feel hurt and sorry for them, but I am at the point where I don't care anymore and want them all out of my will , if there's anything left when i pass. It is sad that I have to say I don't want anything to do with my nieces who show nothing but disrespect and lack of regard. Can you blame me? |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at July 1, 2012 3:33 AM EDT
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Posts: 1
First: July 1, 2012 Last: July 1, 2012 |
Betty, I agree with you. To Geri and Divalexa, just as it takes 2 people to make an argument, it takes 2 to make amends. If, years after some real or imagined slight, someone has decided to exclude you from their company, then IT'S THEIR LOSS! I know that it is difficult to detach yourself from someone you love(d), but you don't need to let this person continue to hurt you. You have tried to restore the relationship, and been met with hostility and resentment. That's the response of an immature and insecure person! You are better than that! Look for a soul that will appreciate the compassion and love you have in your heart: that soul's body may have more than 2 feet, or speak a different language, or have another way of praying, You can't change someone else, you can only change yourself. Let go of the hurt, and go on. XOXOXO |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at July 1, 2012 1:01 PM EDT
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Posts: 10
First: January 25, 2012 Last: July 10, 2012 |
Some things just aren't meant to be, or so it seems, so we can't keep beating ourselves up over it... Just have to let go and try to forget those people's existence. Not easy, not at all, but I think it's better for our own selves, and that's what we have to do when we get older; we have to think about ourselves more and take care of ourselves, especially when we have no one to help us. |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at July 1, 2012 2:23 PM EDT
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Posts: 1
First: July 1, 2012 Last: July 1, 2012 |
In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: In Response to Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope? : My daughter has not spoken to me in 5 yrs. She is 30yrs. old and I don`t know who she is anymore. Does anyone have advice? Thanks. Geri Posted by Geri5799 No advice but same problem. My daughter is 32 and getting married in October, She has told her fiance I am dead? How can children become so mean? My youngest son is getting married next year and has told me if there is going to be an issue at his wedding neither of us will be invited. I have tried many times over the years to contact my daughter but she will not respond. This all stemmed from a boyfriend that was mistreating her and her children. I reported him to the police because he was hitting my grandson, I had tried to talk to her about it but she would not face it. Of course 2 months after I reported this she moved out of state and he is out of the picture but so am I. |
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