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Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
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Friends & Family
Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
<font face="arial,helvetica,sans-serif" size="1">Grandparents, parents, aunties and uncles — As the song says, we are fa-mi-ly. Here’s where you brag about your grandchildren. Yeah, we know. They are cuties.</font>
If you have experienced estrangement from a family member, you know the pain,and hurt feelings can be difficult to cope with. When family gatherings , like holidays, occur, how do you deal with it? Ar
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Cat:8548aeff-cf8c-4e73-ad17-e0a4380e2232Forum:a47c5bda-a19a-4b46-bc7f-cfd0802bd1a8Discussion:994d474b-4b7d-4029-ae5f-6794e18b1793
Forums » Relationships » Friends & Family » Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at June 21, 2012 6:10 PM EDT
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Posts: 1
First: June 21, 2012 Last: June 21, 2012 |
I have a two sons, the oldest (41) has estranged himself from me his mom, his brother, father and grandparents. I have not seen him now for about 10 years. My youngest son (36) is in my life and I see him and his wife and two sons pretty often. Their dad and me divorced when the oldest was (16) and the youngest was (11). Another woman was the reason and they are still together 25 years later. When I read these posts it seems that divorce is a common thread. My ex said he had a right to be happy with this other woman. At the time, I was so emotionally shredded that I didn't think to tell him that me and the boys had a right to a happy life too! There are a few rare couples that can co-parent kids being divorced but most cannot. Divorce hurts kids so much!!! The estrangement didn't happen suddenly, it happened a little at a time. He would be invited to things going on in the family and had gotton where he just wouldn't show up. Folks ask me what I did to keep him away, but I say I don't think I have done anything to him for him to treat his mom and brother like he does. I would love to connect with him and his new wife which I have never met and now have a grandspm that I don't know either. I have fantasy dreams about this grandson some day trying to find me and wanting to meet me. Life can really be tuff sometimes and all I can do is pray for him and his well being. |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at June 21, 2012 10:07 PM EDT
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Posts: 936
First: September 16, 2011 Last: May 20, 2013 |
Dear retiredcharlene62, You are correct that divorce is a common theme in estrangement., and also that very few parents can divorce without harm done to the children. It also seems that the age of the children at the time of the divorce makes a difference, too. Younger children can adapt more easily, and older children have a more difficult time to adjust emotionally. It is so sad that the chance to have these children in our lives is missing, at least for now. You hold them in your hearts forever, and pray that they are doing fine, but, deep down you know that they have some pain, or , they would still be involved in both parents' lives. I truly hope you do get to see that grandson some day, and that the broken bonds can be healed. But, our own lives must go on, and we must get our own joys, even while our hearts are heavy. You sound like you have adjusted to it, at least enough to go on and enjoy your own life. Good for you! I like the idea of putting in writing your thoughts about this child, and grandchild, so that at least they may know someday that you were thinking of them lovingly. What do you think of that idea? You are not alone, as they are many estranged family members. Keep yourself happy. |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at June 28, 2012 6:34 PM EDT
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Posts: 1
First: June 28, 2012 Last: June 28, 2012 |
I have not heard from my son in over 5 years.He return from Japan in 2011 and did not contact me or make any move to let me know where he was I had a friend investigate his where abouts becase I did not know if he was alive or dead.I found out he has return to the states after working in Japan for 3 years for a company doing the same work he was doing for the air force.He missed his step fathers funneral and his grandfather being placed in a nursing home because of alzhimers. I could really use his support not money but physicall support.I Wonder what I have done wrong, what he is blaming me for, how I can change to make him come home.I would give anything to talk to him and find out the answers before I die.I know where he is liviing even the state, town and street, I would like to go see him BUT, I am afraid that I will only get hurt because he will not see me or talk to me.I pray every night and day that the Lord takes care of him and that he will have a change of heart.Thank-you for letting me post this, Hurting mom |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at June 29, 2012 2:00 PM EDT
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Posts: 1
First: June 29, 2012 Last: June 29, 2012 |
Just love them from afar. You can feel good in your heart cause you know you did absolutley nothing for them to throw you out of there lives and the childrens lifes. Live your life enjoy what short time you have on earth, just love be happy live your life and one day maybe if that day never comes then write a letter letting them know for all your life and leave it to them and someone will give it to them maybe they'll read it maybe not but your've done what you could in your own life and to help yourself deal. Suck it up buttercup! you can only control yourself not others |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at June 29, 2012 3:44 PM EDT
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Posts: 1
First: June 29, 2012 Last: June 29, 2012 |
In Response to Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: If you have experienced estrangement from a family member, you know the pain,and hurt feelings can be difficult to cope with. When family gatherings , like holidays, occur, how do you deal with it? Are you able to forgive and forget, or , do you find that just too hard to do? Mothers and children, Aunts and Uncles, brothers and sisters, can sometimes become so hurt that they do not return to family gatherings. Do you have a family member whom you have not seen for years? Or, have you been successful in bringing the famiuly back from this estrangement? Life is full of loss, and this type of loss is sometimes the most difficult to overcome. What have you done to cope ? Posted by BettyCM It's been twenty-six years since I've seen my son. He is now in San Jose, California living on the street. Did hear from him in May. At that time he was in an emergency room receiving medical care for an infected leg. Have had no further contact. I cope by praying to God , asking Him to protect my son and by reaching out to others. I also pray that he is receiving help to overcome his addition to drugs. The most hurtful thing was him not attending his younger brother's funeral in n1996. If I were financially able I would go there to see if can find him. So I say to everyone who is estranged from a family member, is to pray to God for strength and have faith that whatever the cause (regardless of who caused the estrangement) He will keep our heart and mind free from worry and pain. If the fault lies within ourself, ask for forgiveness and above all forgive yourself. Lucille, Georgia |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at June 29, 2012 7:12 PM EDT
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Posts: 1
First: June 29, 2012 Last: June 29, 2012 |
My daughter, now 27, has been esgtranged from us for most of her life since the age of 10, when she ended up with mental issues. I've supported her needs for therapy and medication and in the process our family has become healthier. Its a family system. Our was messed up. So, anyway, during the times that she would not be home for her birthday or for Christmas or call on Mother's Day or Father's Day, I would mention it to my family and be sad, but not let it ruin my day. I invited her to family functions I knew she wouldn't attend and bought gifts, which she would eventually get to.After lots of years of praying and acting politely to her and her boyfriends, she has come around and has come to a couple of holiday events. She calls me when she needs something. I have come to accept that she is not the daughter that I wish I had and I wish we were always close. But I have two other children and several others that call me their other mother, so life is good. Life is always sweet and good. |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at June 29, 2012 9:24 PM EDT
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Posts: 1
First: June 29, 2012 Last: June 29, 2012 |
My brother has been estranged for over 20 years. He wrote the family a letter disowning us. He even changed his middle and last name. He had been named after my Dad and was even born on his birthday. My Dad immediately rewrote his will disinheriting him--took my Mom about three years before she was able to disinherit him. Both of my parents are now deceased. I always said if you are not good enough when you are alive then there is no sense in coming around after you are dead. I did tell my Dad that a lot of the letter was true, but the way he reacted is not the way you treat your parents. I am the recipient of a half a million and would like to see my brother and hear about his life, but it will probably never happen. |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at June 29, 2012 9:47 PM EDT
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Posts: 10
First: January 25, 2012 Last: July 10, 2012 |
I feel bad for all the other posters. My story is a little different. I have a daughter that I never wanted, but when I got pregnant, my husband at the time was so sure that I was going to have the "son he always wanted", he would not let me get an abortion. I have never in my life, ever thought about or wanted to have children. Anyway, I tried to be the best mom I could, and he also tried to be a good dad to his daughter. His mother and sister were very generous and loving to her also, and she had a boy cousin that she grew up with like brother and sister. Her cousin and she were always loved and got the best of everything, as far as clothes and gadgets, etc that all kids like and want. We all went to their school nights, helped them with homework; everything. But, even as a baby, when she first started walking, I tried to teach her not to touch things, she would not learn, never did. I always thought that that was odd. All through grade school she wasn't too bad a kid or student, but once she got to Jr. High, things started to change, she started hanging out with the wrong crowd more and more. She stole from whoever she lived with at the time, and because of this, and other behavioral problems, we took turns taking her in. I had gotten divorced from her dad; she lived with him for awhile, then she lived with me for awhile, then she lived with her grandma for awhile, then she lived with her aunt and cousin for awhile... all to no avail, she stole from all of us. Her grandma was the most forgiving and she is the one she treated the worst, she finally (supposedly) made peace with her as she lay on her deathbed in the hospital. My daughter is 31 now, has had two sons out of wedlock, one lives in Texas with my sister-in-law, we have no idea where the other one is. The last big thing she did was she and her friends stole all the things my ex-husband had in two big storage containers! He has almost nothing to his name any more. I have moved to another state and I hope to never see her again, I don't trust her as far as I can see her, and I also fear for my pet cat! I wonder how common a situation like this is? I'm starting to tell people I have no kids, or that I have a daughter, but we are estranged... and then just hope that they don't get nosey about it! |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at June 30, 2012 6:11 AM EDT
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Posts: 1
First: June 30, 2012 Last: June 30, 2012 |
I have two children of wich I have been estranged from on and off for over 25 years, after repeated rejection I had totally given up when my son contacted me through my daughter about a year and a half ago. my daughter hates my husband and wants me to come back to New Jersey to live I divorced her Dad over 32 years ago, she has never forgiven me. I cope on a day to day basis, visited with my Son and new twin Grandaughters last year, it didn't go well, I felt so left out of their lives. The hurt is not worth the pain I felt, stiff and cold reaction from both my Son and daughter in law. my daughter will not come to visit me in NM, my Son won't either and now at 65 I don't like traveling alone because of health problems and I am very torn every time I leave my husband home to visit them once a year. After telling my daughter that my husbands children paid our planefare for a visit to the NorthWest, she totally went balistic and cut off ties with me again. It's nice to know I am not alone, that other people are going through similar problems, but it dosen't make the hurt go away. why can't I have a normal relationship with my very own offspring?? |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at June 30, 2012 7:24 AM EDT
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Posts: 1
First: June 30, 2012 Last: June 30, 2012 |
Last year, my 38 year old daughter threw a tantrum balling, stomping her foot, screaming, jumping up and down....not the first time she's carried on like this, All I said, was perhaps the reason she didn't get accepted at Ivy Tech for the RN Class and her friend in another city did, was because of the city she lived in. She took offence...thinking I was challenging her intelligence. All I was trying to do was to comfort her. This escalated over several phone calls, emails, finally, I just told her to get away from me...I don't want to live in your drama. She really said a lot of hurtful things to me and said it would be a cold day in hell before she ever said she was sorry.... Not that it would matter now. I admit we've never really been a family, as her Mother and I divorced shortly after we were married. During her younger years I worked 2 jobs that occupied a lot of weekends + 2 to 4 days a week. So we just didn't spend much time together. Then in '84 I started an apprenticeship that turned into a seven day, 12 hour per day job. Good money, but absolutely no free time. I've been retired since 2003, but she's never shown any interest in spending time with me. Only hear from her when it come time for 'funds to exchange hands'....then she's gone with a kiss on the cheek....I feel cheap. She's always lied saying things that she really don't mean to live up to. I helped her out of a legal issue when she was just 13, she was supposed to repay that (supposedly, I said she didn't have to....she said I am getting senile and forgot) I bought her a house, a practically new car....She has neither now, and never offered an explanation. She lives in a mixed relationship with an ex-con, he's lazy and won't work, can't read, has 8 kids of his own that he can't support. My daughter also can't seem to hold a job, she always has an excuse. Her oldest son dropped out of school and works at Lee's Chicken. (G.E.D. or driver's license...NA-DA) The middle son was suspended close to the end of the current school year, so I have no idea what his standing is. The youngest was diagnosed with A.D.D. two years ago; The poor child; I wonder why?. The whole bunch of them just upset me so, but I don't feel there is anything I can do. I'm worried about myself, now that I'm getting older, what kind of treatment I'm going to get from her when I'm unable to fend for myself. Hopefully God will call me up before that dreaded day comes. Do I cope?...Hey; You got to be kidding!..... I'm only sure, alone I'm not..... 
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Forums » Relationships » Friends & Family » Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
