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Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
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Friends & Family
Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
<font face="arial,helvetica,sans-serif" size="1">Grandparents, parents, aunties and uncles — As the song says, we are fa-mi-ly. Here’s where you brag about your grandchildren. Yeah, we know. They are cuties.</font>
If you have experienced estrangement from a family member, you know the pain,and hurt feelings can be difficult to cope with. When family gatherings , like holidays, occur, how do you deal with it? Ar
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Forums » Relationships » Friends & Family » Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at December 27, 2012 3:59 PM EST
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Posts: 1
First: December 27, 2012 Last: December 27, 2012 |
I wanted to give the perspective from the adult child's point of view. Well I can only really express my own feelings, situation, and experience. Also, everyone's situation is different, but it seems a lot of situations I've read about have to do with divorce. I am not from a family of divorce.
Though my parents are not divorced, there was a time during my teens when they just were not getting along at all. I found out that my mom had cheated on my dad for a couple years. I was 16 and I was really angry because I felt like she had betrayed our whole family. I actually supported my parents divorcing, but my dad said he would not leave my mother cause she couldn't support herself. :-/ They have since reconciled and are still together. It is now 13 years later. I'm not really angry about it anymore, but I haven't forgotten. Also, this is not the reason my relationship with my mom is strained.
I've always felt that there were double standards between my younger sister (2 years younger) and I. I even have one more younger sister (9 years younger), however, it appears our sister the middle child is the favorite. My parents just cater to her. As annoying as that was I was fine with it as long as it didn't affect me. Ironically, my uncle, my mother's younger brother (4 years younger) told me that growing up my mom was always catered to and whatever she wanted she got. I think my dad still enables that quality in her. When I found out about the infidelity for example, he told me I was not allowed to be angry at her or express any anger towards her about it! I feel like my mom comes first before anyone to my dad and that being his daughter means nothing!
Over the years I've felt more and more as a trophy to my mom than anything else. I feel like she just uses me and my life and accomplishments, etc to brag and show off to other family and friends. She is the nosiest person I know, always sticking her nose in everyone's business and then telling everyone! I had to tell her and my sister, who is like a carbon copy of her, that they are not allowed to just give out my contact information even if it's "family." They would volunteer me for favors for family or family friends that I don't even have in my life! They would constantly encourage me in a forceful way to have relationships with these people that I didn't even really know just because they did!
I stopped telling my mom things because I was tired of her sharing every detail of my life with the entire extended family. I'm a very private person. I stopped even telling her the most trivial of things because she will just latch on to whatever information she can get her hands on. The final straw with my mom came when she broke a promise to me. My husband and I were purchasing a home, however, our apartment lease was set to expire way before we would be done closing on it. My brother in law was moving out and to go to a month to month lease would skyrocket the rent. I had asked my mom if we could live with her and my dad for a month to a month and a half while we closed on our new place. Then randomly after some time I got a text from my sister (the middle one) that she was moving back. She was currently living out of state at that time. She has moved back in and out of my parents house so many times I’ve lost count. So naturally I assumed that’s where she would be going.
I confronted my mom about this reminding her of her promise. She claims she didn’t forget, but I could tell she was lying! It’s a 3 bedroom house. One room is my parents’ and one is my little sister’s. My other sister has a husband and small child so naturally they would get the extra bedroom! And where does that leave my husband and I? We’re supposed to live in their living room for a month?! My mom said we could use her and my dad’s room but I thought that was gross and very unrealistic. We were already willing to deal with a long commute to work for a month and a half living with them, but I was not about to give up privacy and camp out in their living room. So we bit the bullet and paid the skyrocketed rent at our apartment. Some how we made it work. Things were very very tight financially though. My mom’s broken promise basically cost us several thousand dollars! I’ve never asked her for anything either. I asked for one favor and she couldn’t even follow through on it.
I didn’t talk to my mom for 6 months. And I told her exactly WHY! I told her in person and in several e-mails, spelled out for her! She is in such denial that she did anything wrong at all! First she kept stalking me like a crazy person and would try to get info about me or contact me through my husband. I had to tell my husband to stay out of it. However, he was not comfortable cutting off contact with my mom himself. Finally I told her to leave my husband alone and if she didn’t stop harassing us I would take legal action. I had no choice but to threaten her with legal action because she would not leave us alone! She listened after that, though for my birthday sent me an “I’m sorry but I don’t know what I did wrong happy birthday” e-mail. I started talking to her after 6 months but not by choice. I am close with my youngest sister and unfortunately she still lives with my parents and doesn’t drive. She is involved with sports so I have had to see my mom at her events. Sometimes my mom has to drop her off to meet me too and then I will drive her home.
Recently, my sister was meeting me and a friend. Our friend was running late and my mom just stayed and tried to hang out with us until our friend showed up! We didn’t even invite her! I feel like she tries to invite herself or use my little sister to see me. It feels like she’s being fake and trying too hard which irritates me to no end. Any tiny piece of info she might have gotten on me she will ask me about in a really nosy way! She constantly tries to invite me for holidays or just dinner etc when I have not shown up for one family gathering in 2 years! She acts like she just thinks I’m busy because there could be no possible reason why I wouldn’t want to go! I don’t just avoid family gatherings because of my mom. My relationship with my grandparents is also strained from them always trying to force religion on me. I also can’t really stand my spoiled middle sister. It’s just too much negativity for me to deal with at once!
The past 2 years I have celebrated the holidays with my husband and his family and invited my little sister to join us as well. My husband also tends to trivialize the way I feel about my mom. I have had to tell him numerous times not to do that and asked him how he would feel if I did that to him. He had resentments towards his parents as well, but he seems to have resolved his issues with them and was able to talk to them about it. He also constantly asks me when we can see my family again! So I am hurting a lot because I feel like my mom will never own up to what she did and she will never change. Even if she did own up, our relationship can never be the same and again, I don’t see her changing. Also, it hurts that I feel my husband is not being supportive and keeps nagging me about seeing my family. L
So that’s my story, thanks so much reading if you made it to the end! P.S. Oh yeah, this year, my mom had my little sister bring my husband and I a card from her with a $100 gift card. I really wish she wouldn't do that! I feel like she's trying to buy me. Also, it puts me in a bad/awkward situation. I feel like I have to reciprocate a gift which I don't want to because I feel it will encourage her to believe we have a normal relationship when we don't. My grandparents also sent a gift after I have not talked to them for a couple years. I think I'm going to have to send generic thank you cards at least. :-/ |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at December 28, 2012 8:14 AM EST
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Posts: 1
First: December 28, 2012 Last: December 28, 2012 |
I also am an adult child. I want to share my experience. I believe that there are quite a few of the posts here that are coming from parents who are really living in denial. Are some kids insensitive and not caring? Yes, but I think more than a few of the parents on this post have been told by their children the issues that separate them and the parent said, "I don't know what you're talking about." or "That's simply not true" I believe that many of the children have told you, but it is YOU who have not accepted that what your children have said or stated their problem is with you, you were simply not able to or refused to accept it. This is why you're alone. The worst thing you can do is to ask yourt kid why they treat you the way that they do, they share honestly and then you say, "I don't know what you're talking about," or "That's simply not true." Sure, there are jacked up kids, yeah, but I think there are a whole lot more parents in denial. Are you nagging, do you give of the impression that you don't like their spouse, do you yell, are you judgemental, were you abusive when you were a younger parent, do you let it show that you think your children have not lived up to your expectations, do you deny and refuse to consider anything that they tell you is wrong with your relationship? I've read SO many parents on this post state that they don't know why they're kids are doing the things that they are doing. If this is your response, look long and hard. And just for a minute consider what they've told you is the problem. If your children aren't speaking to you, as mentioned above, they've probably already tried to tell you the problem, but you rejected it. Because of this, being around you is simply unbearable and they leave or they stay away from you. Listen. Listen. Listen. I think A LOT of you will really find the truth. Oh, and I come from a family of married parents that I have a healthy relationship with. I share with you what I have observed, heard and what has been shared with me from adult children who wished they had a relationship with their parents that is similar to mine, but simply can't and it's really because of the parents. Not the children.
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at December 28, 2012 10:22 AM EST
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Posts: 1049
First: September 16, 2011 Last: June 19, 2013 |
In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: I also am an adult child. I want to share my experience. I believe that there are quite a few of the posts here that are coming from parents who are really living in denial. Are some kids insensitive and not caring? Yes, but I think more than a few of the parents on this post have been told by their children the issues that separate them and the parent said, "I don't know what you're talking about." or "That's simply not true" I believe that many of the children have told you, but it is YOU who have not accepted that what your children have said or stated their problem is with you, you were simply not able to or refused to accept it. This is why you're alone. The worst thing you can do is to ask yourt kid why they treat you the way that they do, they share honestly and then you say, "I don't know what you're talking about," or "That's simply not true." Sure, there are jacked up kids, yeah, but I think there are a whole lot more parents in denial. Are you nagging, do you give of the impression that you don't like their spouse, do you yell, are you judgemental, were you abusive when you were a younger parent, do you let it show that you think your children have not lived up to your expectations, do you deny and refuse to consider anything that they tell you is wrong with your relationship? I've read SO many parents on this post state that they don't know why they're kids are doing the things that they are doing. If this is your response, look long and hard. And just for a minute consider what they've told you is the problem. If your children aren't speaking to you, as mentioned above, they've probably already tried to tell you the problem, but you rejected it. Because of this, being around you is simply unbearable and they leave or they stay away from you. Listen. Listen. Listen. I think A LOT of you will really find the truth. Oh, and I come from a family of married parents that I have a healthy relationship with. I share with you what I have observed, heard and what has been shared with me from adult children who wished they had a relationship with their parents that is similar to mine, but simply can't and it's really because of the parents. Not the children. Posted by Womanlexy Dear Womanlexy, Thank you for sharing this side of estrangement. We do need to be reminded that there are two sides in all relationships. You make a good point that it is sometimes the parent's fault that a relationship with their children has broken. But, if you were reading between the lines here, you would see that many parents are aware that they have made errors , done things they should not have done, failed to be perfect, and failed to make amends.But, , once they apologize, they fail to be forgiven. The most difficult part of life is "relationships" ,family, friends, or lovers. Many relationships will last through difficulties, but many will not. Nobody is perfect, whether they are parents or children. Today's children will some day be parents themselves, and will make mistakes, too.And, yes, as you mentioned, there are parents who have been abusive, nagging, and, or, especially difficult. Did they learn that from their parents???? Estrangement is difficult for both parties, and knowing when to leave it alone, and when to try again to repair the relationship is an especially tricky part of the problem. Often , when one side is ready to try , the other is adamantly opposed to any attempt. I believe many parents are convinced they made mistakes that are not forgiven. I also believe that the majority of parents who have estranged children are not alone, but, have found other relationships to build upon. Forgiving someone who has wronged you in some way, is the hardest thing to do in life. And, changing a relationship that was abusive, or harsh, is not always possible. Sometimes it is best to walk away. How do we know ?? Good luck to you, in all your relationships! |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at January 4, 2013 10:39 AM EST
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Posts: 56
First: January 16, 2011 Last: February 28, 2013 |
In Response to Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: If you have experienced estrangement from a family member, you know the pain,and hurt feelings can be difficult to cope with. When family gatherings , like holidays, occur, how do you deal with it? Are you able to forgive and forget, or , do you find that just too hard to do? Mothers and children, Aunts and Uncles, brothers and sisters, can sometimes become so hurt that they do not return to family gatherings. Do you have a family member whom you have not seen for years? Or, have you been successful in bringing the famiuly back from this estrangement? Life is full of loss, and this type of loss is sometimes the most difficult to overcome. What have you done to cope ? Posted by BettyCM My eldest daughter and I have an estranged relationship. I was a very young mother whose parents and grandparents fought to take her away from me when she was 18 months old. Split the whole family. When she was eleven I regained custody because of my grandparents failing health. It did not go well. We have thru the years from time to time tried to mend out relationship, but she is full of bitterness and hatred and just cannot get past it. We do not live close so that does make it easier . I have apologized, begged forgiveness but she still holds bak. It is very hard. |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at January 10, 2013 1:13 PM EST
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Posts: 1
First: January 10, 2013 Last: January 10, 2013 |
My two sisters have chosen to remove themselves from any family gatherings or contact. On one incident, one actually fled from my family in a mall store. The hardest part is that now with my wedding approaching, my one sister that lives in Atlanta refuses to release her mailing address so we can send an invitation, but will ony on occasion respond to e-mails. Incidentally with all the new programs school are inacting with combating bullying and advocating "Acceptance", I have turned to the budhist hilosophy of using this and accepting the situation, and not allowing anger to come of the situation, as this only causes more suffering, and taking the approach of staying open to interaction and not holding any grudges. At the same time I refuse to give into actions that would contribute to the problem: mailing her invitation to another person who would then forward it to her. It's either one or the other, not I am going to partially interact and leave up a wall. I remain steadfast about all or nothing because if you were to apply it to another situation, that would never happen, like applying for a job, or interacting with a friend. Is there any thing else to do done? In Response to Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: If you have experienced estrangement from a family member, you know the pain,and hurt feelings can be difficult to cope with. When family gatherings , like holidays, occur, how do you deal with it? Are you able to forgive and forget, or , do you find that just too hard to do? Mothers and children, Aunts and Uncles, brothers and sisters, can sometimes become so hurt that they do not return to family gatherings. Do you have a family member whom you have not seen for years? Or, have you been successful in bringing the famiuly back from this estrangement? Life is full of loss, and this type of loss is sometimes the most difficult to overcome. What have you done to cope ? Posted by BettyCM |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at January 10, 2013 2:56 PM EST
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Posts: 9
First: May 23, 2012 Last: March 9, 2013 |
In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: My two sisters have chosen to remove themselves from any family gatherings or contact. On one incident, one actually fled from my family in a mall store. The hardest part is that now with my wedding approaching, my one sister that lives in Atlanta refuses to release her mailing address so we can send an invitation, but will ony on occasion respond to e-mails. Incidentally with all the new programs school are inacting with combating bullying and advocating "Acceptance", I have turned to the budhist hilosophy of using this and accepting the situation, and not allowing anger to come of the situation, as this only causes more suffering, and taking the approach of staying open to interaction and not holding any grudges. At the same time I refuse to give into actions that would contribute to the problem: mailing her invitation to another person who would then forward it to her. It's either one or the other, not I am going to partially interact and leave up a wall. I remain steadfast about all or nothing because if you were to apply it to another situation, that would never happen, like applying for a job, or interacting with a friend. Is there any thing else to do done? In Response to Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope? : Posted by ladyarista As I have stated before my three children (all in the fifties) have rejected for me 6 years /> Now that I have Parkinson's my oldest daughter has come to my aid. She is helping me find assisted living arrangement and making arrangments for me to sell my house. Believe me I am gateful..But I am afraid that it will just make it easier for them to ignore. me. WHILE i am enjoying to have one child back in the life I hope it is permanent I am going to do everything posible to make it permanent. Elizabethh |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at January 11, 2013 3:53 PM EST
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Posts: 1049
First: September 16, 2011 Last: June 19, 2013 |
In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope? : As I have stated before my three children (all in the fifties) have rejected for me 6 years /> Now that I have Parkinson's my oldest daughter has come to my aid. She is helping me find assisted living arrangement and making arrangments for me to sell my house. Believe me I am gateful..But I am afraid that it will just make it easier for them to ignore. me. WHILE i am enjoying to have one child back in the life I hope it is permanent I am going to do everything posible to make it permanent. Elizabethh Posted by elizabethh4 Good for you, elizabethh4! You just have to make sure she knows you appreciate her , and her help. Good to hear from you again! |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at January 15, 2013 11:22 AM EST
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Posts: 56
First: January 16, 2011 Last: February 28, 2013 |
I have been estarnged from one of my daughters since she was 3. In the midst of a nasy divorce my ex took off and hid with her for several years. When I did find them 4 years later he had told her that I and her sister were dead. It took a long while for her to come around and agree to visit us for a week in the next 3 summers. She was miserable with us, wanted to go home, only happy for brief periods. After much soul searching, I decided to let her be. He had remarried, had step children she loved and a new step mother that was good to her. She is now in her 40's , married got a couple kids. We have from time to time over the years had minor correspondance but she insists she wants nothing to do with us. It hurts but I have come to terms with it. She is happy, healthy and has a loving family, just not us. That has to be good enough. |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at February 16, 2013 10:32 AM EST
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Posts: 1049
First: September 16, 2011 Last: June 19, 2013 |
Are all estrangements because we can not forgive someone we once loved? Two Friends walked together, THROUGH THE DESERT . DURING SOME POINT OF THE JOURNEY, THEY HAD AN ARGUMENT; AND ONE FRIEND SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE IN THE FACE . THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING, WROTE IN THE SAND , TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE . THEY KEPT ON WALKING, UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS, WHERE THEY DECIDED TO TAKE A BATH. THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE MIRE AND STARTED DROWNING, BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM. AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM THE NEAR DROWNING, HE WROTEON A STONE: 'TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE' THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND ASKED HIM, 'AFTER I HURT YOU, YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW, YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?' THE FRIEND REPLIED 'WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US , WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN IN SAND, WHERE WINDS OF FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY. BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING GOOD FOR US, WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE WHERE NO WIND CAN EVER ERASE IT' LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND AND TO CARVE YOUR BENEFITS IN STONE. THEY SAY IT TAKES A MINUTE TO FIND A SPECIAL PERSON, AN HOUR TO APPRECIATE THEM, A DAY TO LOVE THEM, BUT THEN , AN ENTIRE LIFE TO FORGET THEM. TAKE THE TIME TO LIVE! DO NOT VALUE THE THINGS YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE, BUT VALUE WHO YOU HAVE KNOWN IN YOUR LIFE! Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
This all sounds so easy, If only it were so! |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at March 9, 2013 10:21 AM EST
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Posts: 1
First: March 9, 2013 Last: March 9, 2013 |
In Response to Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: If you have experienced estrangement from a family member, you know the pain,and hurt feelings can be difficult to cope with. When family gatherings , like holidays, occur, how do you deal with it? Are you able to forgive and forget, or , do you find that just too hard to do? Mothers and children, Aunts and Uncles, brothers and sisters, can sometimes become so hurt that they do not return to family gatherings. Do you have a family member whom you have not seen for years? Or, have you been successful in bringing the famiuly back from this estrangement? Life is full of loss, and this type of loss is sometimes the most difficult to overcome. What have you done to cope ? Posted by BettyCM I'm newly estranged from my 18 year old son. He has politely texted that everyone leaves him alone including his 16 year old sister ( who is upset at his recent actions) and other family and friends. He has not been living with me for over a year as his behaviour became intoerlable and we were classed as suffering from domestic abuse. We just coudlnt go on. Once he left the family home I helped him get some where to live and slowly the relationship seemed to improve to the point I felt I coudl even let him house sit by the end of the year which he did well. However something seems to have happened and I could see traces of his old behaviour coming back and started to find the relationship deteriorating. He lashes out verbal and physically if he doesnt get his own way. Hes been on anti depressants but cannot be bothered to collect the medication, he cannot be bothered to sort out his sleeping habits which are haywire and most recently has been withdrawn from his college course. He survives on benefits and manages his money badly. He smokes weed 2 -3 times a week minimum . His tenancy runs out in 3 months time and after that who knows where he will end up. I thought we had hit rock bottom last year but it seems we've dropped even further. We all know the source of his anger, which was the disovery his father was a paedophile and was subseqnetly jailed. this happened nearly 6 years ago and the relatiosnhip has just slowly deteriorated. I feel like I am being blamed whilst his father is oblivious to the damage he has caused. I have no idea to keep the door open to him so that he knows he can come back to the family. I worry for his future and how to cope with this huge hole.
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Forums » Relationships » Friends & Family » Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
