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Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
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Friends & Family
Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
<font face="arial,helvetica,sans-serif" size="1">Grandparents, parents, aunties and uncles — As the song says, we are fa-mi-ly. Here’s where you brag about your grandchildren. Yeah, we know. They are cuties.</font>
If you have experienced estrangement from a family member, you know the pain,and hurt feelings can be difficult to cope with. When family gatherings , like holidays, occur, how do you deal with it? Ar
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Cat:8548aeff-cf8c-4e73-ad17-e0a4380e2232Forum:a47c5bda-a19a-4b46-bc7f-cfd0802bd1a8Discussion:994d474b-4b7d-4029-ae5f-6794e18b1793
Forums » Relationships » Friends & Family » Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at May 22, 2012 2:01 PM EDT
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Posts: 1
First: May 22, 2012 Last: May 22, 2012 |
In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: My daughter, who is now 37, told me three and a half years ago that she never wanted to see me again, and that if I tried to to contact her or her family, she would take legal action against me. My son, with whom I have a wonderful, loving relationship, tried to intervene, and she told him to stay out of the situation. How do I cope? I don't. I am not coping. I am grieving the loss of my once very loving and close daughter and her daughters on a daily basis. I feel ashamed, humiliated, and a failure as a parent. I'm about to go back to therapy. Both of her daughters, now 7 and 5, were born with birth defects, so I suspect that I am the recepient of her rage and pain from this most difficult of traumas. I feel powerless to make any moves to re-connect since she will not accept a call, letter or gift from me. Recently, I have simply given up, in an attempt to honor her pushing me away, hoping that in time, if she doesn't seek to re-connect, that perhaps my granddaughters will try to find me. Her dad and I are divorced. My current husband thinks she's crazy. His beautiful and loving daughters have "adopted" me and call me mom and I love them dearly. But it hurts so much to have lost my little girl and I would do almost anything to re-connect with her and her family. I am open to any suggestions . . . Posted by Divalexa |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at May 23, 2012 4:25 PM EDT
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Posts: 9
First: May 23, 2012 Last: March 9, 2013 |
The day before Mother's day my oldest daughter ( 54) e-mailed the article with no comment. Although things have been rocky between us for 4 years I thought that in the last year when she began to include me in her life and that of her 16 year old daughter (I was my daughter's coach at the birth of her daughter and I cannot even speak of the pain I feel at the loss of my granddaughter). I spent three years apologizing for every sin I might have committed and assured her that I had always loved her and had never meant to hurt her. She never really told me why she had been so mad at me but I accepted all responsibility and did everything I could think of to make amends, Then totally out of the blue she e-mailed me this article on the day before Mother's Day. Frankly I don't know why I am still alive. After days of pain and grief I e-mailed her that we are officially divorced I can no longer take this "on-again off-again" relationship which has come at a time when I had to give up my career as a lawyer Because of Parkinson's. I had simply reached my level of tolerance of pain. My last e-mail to her stated, "I will no longer apologize for anything. I gave you (and your siblings) the greatest gift of all Life, Without me you wouldn't exist." |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at May 23, 2012 5:52 PM EDT
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Posts: 956
First: September 16, 2011 Last: May 24, 2013 |
Dear lysettehamilton, My heart goes out to you. To be in both physical and emotional pain is very difficult, and you must find it hard to cope at times. But, if you have taken the step to stand up for your own needs by saying you have apologized enough , then you will at least be able to begin to heal the awful hurt . In an ideal world our family members would accept our apologies gracefully and move on to rebuild the relationship. But, that is not always the case. You must take care of yourself, and you must be mindful of your health needs and your own emotional needs. How many times do we hear of people who , at the death of their loved ones, say"I wish I had done somthing more " or "I wish I would have told them I loved them"? The pain of those statements , said too late, is too frequent, and we all should learn to say " I love you" more often to those who are so important to us. That old worn out cliche"Live and Learn", is sometimes just plain wrong. Sometimes we do not seem to learn at all. Some people seem to be unable to forgive and forget. But, we still must go on, live as fully as we can, and build relationships with those whom are open to us, and willing to at least try. Good luck to you. Please check back in and let us know how you are doing. |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at May 24, 2012 12:38 PM EDT
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Posts: 956
First: September 16, 2011 Last: May 24, 2013 |
In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope? : Posted by beauty7162 We hae to take care of ourselves, and part of that is forgiving ourselves, and letting go of the feelings of shame and guilt. Do we give ourselves enough credit for doing so much for others? Probably not. But, we punish ourselves for what we see as failings in our family relationships. When people die, we often feel we should have done more, said we loved them, and spent more time with them. But, isn't that too late? What do you think of this article? Does anything ring true for your life? http://www.aarp.org/relationships/grief-loss/info-02-2012/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying.html |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at May 24, 2012 2:50 PM EDT
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Posts: 2
First: May 24, 2012 Last: May 24, 2012 |
In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: In Response to Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope? : My daughter has not spoken to me in 5 yrs. She is 30yrs. old and I don`t know who she is anymore. Does anyone have advice? Thanks. Geri Posted by Geri5799 Geri, my son is 30 years old, has five children and left my daughter in law and is living with an old girlfriend from high school, he walked away from his family and thinks his new life is perfectly normal. He is not talking with me either and I'm very sad for my grandchildren and my daughter in law and the girl he is with is very rude and nasty mouth girl. i totally do not understand at all. |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at May 24, 2012 2:56 PM EDT
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Posts: 956
First: September 16, 2011 Last: May 24, 2013 |
In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope? : Geri, my son is 30 years old, has five children and left my daughter in law and is living with an old girlfriend from high school, he walked away from his family and thinks his new life is perfectly normal. He is not talking with me either and I'm very sad for my grandchildren and my daughter in law and the girl he is with is very rude and nasty mouth girl. i totally do not understand at all. Posted by leesalane1958 Dear leesalane, I am sorry for your pain. It is impossible for any of us to understand the dynamics of someone's marriage. We even have puzzles in understanding our own at times, don't we? We can only hope that time will change things for the better, and that , for you , it may mean being able to see the grandchildren regularly. Are you able to see them at all? Are they still a part of your life? |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at May 24, 2012 2:56 PM EDT
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Posts: 2
First: May 24, 2012 Last: May 24, 2012 |
My son is 30 years old, this past Jan he left his wife and five kids and moved in with an old high school girlfriend, he said he was starting his new life again. He thinks I'm a horrible mother because I did not support this decision, he walked out, left the kids, took the money, the furniture, and he seems to think that this girl is his soulmate. Meanwhile he is angry after he filed for divorce and found out how much child support he will have to pay for five children. He hates the ground I walk on because I have stood by my daughter in law and my grandchildren and I do not understand at all how he can go to sleep at night, he also told the kids he was coming home last week he wanted to reconcile and then next day changed his mind. He seems to be afraid of this girl he is living with and she is controlling him and maniuplating him, its very sad for me to watch this, i love him, he is my only child, i love my grandkids and I'm not understanding this, and the girl he is with is very rude. |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at May 25, 2012 3:34 PM EDT
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Posts: 9
First: May 23, 2012 Last: March 9, 2013 |
In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: Dear lysettehamilton, My heart goes out to you. To be in both physical and emotional pain is very difficult, and you must find it hard to cope at times. But, if you have taken the step to stand up for your own needs by saying you have apologized enough , then you will at least be able to begin to heal the awful hurt . In an ideal world our family members would accept our apologies gracefully and move on to rebuild the relationship. But, that is not always the case. You must take care of yourself, and you must be mindful of your health needs and your own emotional needs. How many times do we hear of people who , at the death of their loved ones, say"I wish I had done somthing more " or "I wish I would have told them I loved them"? The pain of those statements , said too late, is too frequent, and we all should learn to say " I love you" more often to those who are so important to us. That old worn out cliche"Live and Learn", is sometimes just plain wrong. Sometimes we do not seem to learn at all. Some people seem to be unable to forgive and forget. But, we still must go on, live as fully as we can, and build relationships with those whom are open to us, and willing to at least try. Good luck to you. Please check back in and let us know how you are doing. Posted by BettyCM Thank you so much for all of your words of encouragement. Amazingly I found sending the quoted e-mail to my children a very liberating experience. Suddenly I felt free to make plans for what's left of my life. Of course, I am still terribly hurt and very sad but a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. It's no longer MY problem; I just let go of it and whatever my children may do or not do is no longer my decision and I will no longer try to influence their decisions in any way. Many people have expressed to me that the children will feel very sorry, guilty etc. when I am gone but that is a choice they are making. They are all in the fifties so I have to assume they know what they are doing. But I no longer care about any future regrets they may feel. I have returned to going to church which is not something I expected to have much effect on me but I am now beginning to feel part of a loving community and I am looking forward to strengthening ties with old friends and making new ones. When it comes to their parents most children are selfish and expect the same attention they received when the were babies and are not inclined to give, or even feel they should give something back to the people who worked so hard to raise them so its time for all of us to find people who appreciate us for what we are. It is also time to learn how to "mother" ourselves, |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at May 31, 2012 7:36 AM EDT
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Posts: 956
First: September 16, 2011 Last: May 24, 2013 |
Children Divorcing their Parents? Is it a trend? Why? The family today is very different from the family of the 50's and 60's. But, is it a trend that children are leaving their parents behind, unaware of the emothional pain? Tell us what you think about this article: http://www.aarp.org/relationships/friends-family/info-03-2012/the-stranger-in-your-family.html?plckFindCommentKey=CommentKey:781e4950-bf9d-4354-9a27-c94096c10ef5 |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at June 2, 2012 2:06 PM EDT
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Posts: 2
First: June 2, 2012 Last: June 2, 2012 |
I have been estranged from my daughte, Michele,r for almost 5 yrs. She told me that she loved me and the problem was not me, the problem was with herself and that everytime we were together it made her feel sick and she became nausiated and wanted to throw up. She sent me an email stating these things. She addressed it to her sister, Holly, her grandmother and me. So all three of us received it at the same time. She asked everyone not to contact her, that she would contact them. She called my daughter, Holly and her grandmother almost immediately. I sent letters and emails to her to let her know that I loved her and I was sorry if there was a problem. I wanted to "nip it in the bud". Not knowing what the problem was, I wanted to meet with her to discuss it. She deleted the emails and returned the letters unopened. Over the years she has continued to see her sister, Holly and now my grandson, Alex who is 4 years old, and her grandmother (my mom). Holly, my grandson and my mom, spend lots of time together, including all holidays and birthdays and Friday afternoons together. When I'm not available to meet them, then Michele and her husband meets with them. I recently went out of town for a week's vacation. Michele posted on Facebook that she had spent the afternoon with her sister and grandmother and had a great time. The friend that I was staying with saw the post on Facebook and immediately showed it to me. Michele posts to all my close friends and family (she has blocked me on Facebook so I don't see what she is posting). My mother called me the same day and stated that she had a nice afternoon with Holly. When I stated to her that I also was aware of the fact that Michele was there, her statement was "How did you find out?". I guess I feel that Michele has split the family. They do things with her and then separate things with me. I DO want to reconcile someday, but feel that as long as they allow her to participate in family get togethers without me, she will have no desire to reconcile. Has anyone had this or a similar thing happen to them? Each time this happens, I feel like my mom kicks me in the gut/ |
Forums » Relationships » Friends & Family » Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
