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Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
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Friends & Family
Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
<font face="arial,helvetica,sans-serif" size="1">Grandparents, parents, aunties and uncles — As the song says, we are fa-mi-ly. Here’s where you brag about your grandchildren. Yeah, we know. They are cuties.</font>
If you have experienced estrangement from a family member, you know the pain,and hurt feelings can be difficult to cope with. When family gatherings , like holidays, occur, how do you deal with it? Ar
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Forums » Relationships » Friends & Family » Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
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Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at March 26, 2012 4:53 PM EDT
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Posts: 938
First: September 16, 2011 Last: May 21, 2013 |
If you have experienced estrangement from a family member, you know the pain,and hurt feelings can be difficult to cope with. When family gatherings , like holidays, occur, how do you deal with it? Are you able to forgive and forget, or , do you find that just too hard to do? Mothers and children, Aunts and Uncles, brothers and sisters, can sometimes become so hurt that they do not return to family gatherings. Do you have a family member whom you have not seen for years? Or, have you been successful in bringing the famiuly back from this estrangement? Life is full of loss, and this type of loss is sometimes the most difficult to overcome. What have you done to cope ? |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at April 5, 2012 2:22 PM EDT
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Posts: 2
First: April 5, 2012 Last: April 5, 2012 |
In Response to Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: If you have experienced estrangement from a family member, you know the pain,and hurt feelings can be difficult to cope with. When family gatherings , like holidays, occur, how do you deal with it? Are you able to forgive and forget, or , do you find that just too hard to do? Mothers and children, Aunts and Uncles, brothers and sisters, can sometimes become so hurt that they do not return to family gatherings. Do you have a family member whom you have not seen for years? Or, have you been successful in bringing the famiuly back from this estrangement? Life is full of loss, and this type of loss is sometimes the most difficult to overcome. What have you done to cope ? Posted by BettyCM My daughter has not spoken to me in 5 yrs. She is 30yrs. old and I don`t know who she is anymore. Does anyone have advice? Thanks. Geri |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at April 11, 2012 7:34 PM EDT
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Posts: 1
First: April 11, 2012 Last: April 11, 2012 |
My daughter, who is now 37, told me three and a half years ago that she never wanted to see me again, and that if I tried to to contact her or her family, she would take legal action against me. My son, with whom I have a wonderful, loving relationship, tried to intervene, and she told him to stay out of the situation. How do I cope? I don't. I am not coping. I am grieving the loss of my once very loving and close daughter and her daughters on a daily basis. I feel ashamed, humiliated, and a failure as a parent. I'm about to go back to therapy. Both of her daughters, now 7 and 5, were born with birth defects, so I suspect that I am the recepient of her rage and pain from this most difficult of traumas. I feel powerless to make any moves to re-connect since she will not accept a call, letter or gift from me. Recently, I have simply given up, in an attempt to honor her pushing me away, hoping that in time, if she doesn't seek to re-connect, that perhaps my granddaughters will try to find me. Her dad and I are divorced. My current husband thinks she's crazy. His beautiful and loving daughters have "adopted" me and call me mom and I love them dearly. But it hurts so much to have lost my little girl and I would do almost anything to re-connect with her and her family. I am open to any suggestions . . . |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at April 12, 2012 3:29 AM EDT
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Posts: 7
First: July 2, 2008 Last: April 12, 2012 |
At almost 75 years old, I value and cherish the children who have remained a part of my life over the miles snd over the years. I also cherish and miss the child who shut me out her life and those of her children because my spouse and I had divorced. I try not to think of it, and I succeed most days because I have a very busy life and have extended family, but some days the hurt rises up and bites me hard. This daughter's older sister doesn't understand why the younger daughter can't accept the imperfection of a family that broke up after 24 years of marriage or that I remarried about two years after the separation. When my estranged daughter asked - 10 years after the divorce - why she should 'get to know me' after changes in my life and said she wanted nothing beyond emergency contact, I could only honor her wish no matter how great the hurt. That's what loving parents do; they try to honor their children's needs. |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at April 13, 2012 9:26 AM EDT
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Posts: 938
First: September 16, 2011 Last: May 21, 2013 |
In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: In Response to Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope? : My daughter has not spoken to me in 5 yrs. She is 30yrs. old and I don`t know who she is anymore. Does anyone have advice? Thanks. Geri Posted by Geri5799 Dear Geri5799, Do you know where she lives? I think it is a good idea to go through an intermediary, a cousin, or aunt, or friend, who knows both of you, and could just communicate your wish to talk to them. Of course, there are many ways to handle it, but, with emothions high, on both sides, a go between seems like a good idea. Is there anyone you could ask to contact her? |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at April 13, 2012 9:38 AM EDT
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Posts: 938
First: September 16, 2011 Last: May 21, 2013 |
In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: My daughter, who is now 37, told me three and a half years ago that she never wanted to see me again, and that if I tried to to contact her or her family, she would take legal action against me. My son, with whom I have a wonderful, loving relationship, tried to intervene, and she told him to stay out of the situation. How do I cope? I don't. I am not coping. I am grieving the loss of my once very loving and close daughter and her daughters on a daily basis. I feel ashamed, humiliated, and a failure as a parent. I'm about to go back to therapy. Both of her daughters, now 7 and 5, were born with birth defects, so I suspect that I am the recepient of her rage and pain from this most difficult of traumas. I feel powerless to make any moves to re-connect since she will not accept a call, letter or gift from me. Recently, I have simply given up, in an attempt to honor her pushing me away, hoping that in time, if she doesn't seek to re-connect, that perhaps my granddaughters will try to find me. Her dad and I are divorced. My current husband thinks she's crazy. His beautiful and loving daughters have "adopted" me and call me mom and I love them dearly. But it hurts so much to have lost my little girl and I would do almost anything to re-connect with her and her family. I am open to any suggestions . . . Posted by Divalexa You have expressed the pain of estrangement very well, and my heart goes out to you. You are not alone, since many people who go through divorce have lost contact with their children. Does it have something to do with their expectations of family life, and an ideal family? Probably it does. The hope that one day the granddaughters may contact you is encouraging. Is there another family member who is in contact with her and could let her know you would like to talk to her? |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at April 15, 2012 2:22 PM EDT
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Posts: 938
First: September 16, 2011 Last: May 21, 2013 |
In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: In Response to Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope? : My daughter has not spoken to me in 5 yrs. She is 30yrs. old and I don`t know who she is anymore. Does anyone have advice? Thanks. Geri Posted by Geri5799 There is no instant magic for this kind of hurt. Mothers shouldn't lose their children. It feels so wrong, and can destroy your life if you allow it. Maybe just knowing you are not alone can help. It is so common, and it is rarely spoken about. Here is an article from Huffington on Estrangement, and the Holidays: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-cara-barker/dealing-with-estranged-fa_b_793450.html |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at April 17, 2012 6:42 PM EDT
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Posts: 1
First: April 17, 2012 Last: April 17, 2012 |
In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope? : You have expressed the pain of estrangement very well, and my heart goes out to you. You are not alone, since many people who go through divorce have lost contact with their children. Does it have something to do with their expectations of family life, and an ideal family? Probably it does. The hope that one day the granddaughters may contact you is encouraging. Is there another family member who is in contact with her and could let her know you would like to talk to her? Posted by BettyCM As the "daughter" that is estranged I can only speak for my feelings. I was basically disowned when I divorced my husband after 22 years and my family ( unbeknown to me) decided to keep him and not me.It was unbelieveable at first then I was hurt , then just plain mad.After much therapy and over 20 years now I came to accept that while I know I was a great mother, good wife, sister and etc... that might not be enough. They simply for whatever reason would miss him more then me.I think each family member had a different reason but in the end I grieved for my loss as you would a death and moved on. My parents have every ten years tried to get me"back in the fold" I assume to assage any guilt they may have before they pass and I am not interested. I am not mad nor hurt but after all this time they are like strangers to me and frankly not the type of people I care to have in my life.There must be a reason, however silly it may turn out to be to you that your daughter is not able to even let you know what it is. You cant apologise nor try to heel her feelings if she wont let you know the reason. Perhaps this is an excuse for something more.I assure you my family would all cry " We dont get what her problem is" if asked. They know, they dont care. With out knowing if you have past times in your relationship like this, physical or mental issues on her part, the only thing you can do is accept it.I hope my parents are healthy and happy but I dont want people like this around me.My whole family sans my daughter always had a very toxic way of conducting themselves as it was so I really think of this as a good thing in the end for me. Good luck. |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at May 15, 2012 10:47 AM EDT
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Posts: 938
First: September 16, 2011 Last: May 21, 2013 |
In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?: In Response to Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope? : As the "daughter" that is estranged I can only speak for my feelings. I was basically disowned when I divorced my husband after 22 years and my family ( unbeknown to me) decided to keep him and not me.It was unbelieveable at first then I was hurt , then just plain mad.After much therapy and over 20 years now I came to accept that while I know I was a great mother, good wife, sister and etc... that might not be enough. They simply for whatever reason would miss him more then me.I think each family member had a different reason but in the end I grieved for my loss as you would a death and moved on. My parents have every ten years tried to get me"back in the fold" I assume to assage any guilt they may have before they pass and I am not interested. I am not mad nor hurt but after all this time they are like strangers to me and frankly not the type of people I care to have in my life.There must be a reason, however silly it may turn out to be to you that your daughter is not able to even let you know what it is. You cant apologise nor try to heel her feelings if she wont let you know the reason. Perhaps this is an excuse for something more.I assure you my family would all cry " We dont get what her problem is" if asked. They know, they dont care. With out knowing if you have past times in your relationship like this, physical or mental issues on her part, the only thing you can do is accept it.I hope my parents are healthy and happy but I dont want people like this around me.My whole family sans my daughter always had a very toxic way of conducting themselves as it was so I really think of this as a good thing in the end for me. Good luck. Posted by justneedpeace53 Dear justneedpeace53, You bring up a very important point that we all need to remember. Some relationships are just not good for us, and should be ended. Still , it is painful, but, we have to move on with our lives, and find relationships that do work for our good, and the good of others. We don't get to pick our families, but, we can pick our friends, and we get to decide which relationships we want to maintain, and nurture. Mother's Day just passed, and it is another family day that is not perfect for everyone. We learn how to deal with it better each year, though, don't we? |
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Re: Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
posted at May 22, 2012 1:17 AM EDT
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Posts: 938
First: September 16, 2011 Last: May 21, 2013 |
Wow, it does sound like you have been ganged-up on, and they are not willing to treat you as "human" with frailtties and needs of your own. Divorce leaves scars that don't go away , and we all, children and adults, have to learn how to move on with our lives. It is hard to make that decision to leave a spouse, and when there are older children , it is harder. The younger ones do seem to adjust to the reality of two separate parents much easier. I didn;t know that either, until my divorce. The teenagers were emotionally scarred , and I didn't see it coming. One seems alright now, but, not the other two. Counselors say some strange stuff , though. I remember being told I no longer had a family, because I was divorced. I kept thinking, what happened to the single parent family idea? That was gone ? I am still confused about that one. There should be a book to read about divorce before we go through it. They don't tell you that you can never expect child support to actually come as expected. And, they don't tell you how to deal with your children's anger, your own feelings, and your own new realities. But, somehow , we muddle through it , and come out at the other end stronger, more resilient, and more independent than ever. You seem to have gotten a good perspective , and are able to block it out as needed. How do you manage on the holidays? Are you able to have some good conversations with any of your children? Or , is it mostly rehashing old wounds? do you really think they are just interested in an inheritance? If so, you have to get very healthy so they have to wait forever! Remember, happiness is the best revenge ! I hope you can see some way to get this behind you, and move forward toward good health, good friends, and some genuine peace of mind! My heart goes out to you! |
Forums » Relationships » Friends & Family » Estranged Family Members- How Do You Cope?
