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Trying to cope
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Caregiving
Trying to cope
<font face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif" size="1"><div>In this caregiving message board lean on others for advice, tips or just the proverbial shoulder to cry on.</div><div><br /></div></font>
Just recently, my 60 year old husband underwent surgery for colon cancer. Surgery went well, then he started to get sicker. Where they put his colon back together, it came apart spreading infection th
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Cat:8548aeff-cf8c-4e73-ad17-e0a4380e2232Forum:7bd0772e-38a2-437e-9e64-4a31de425465
Cat:8548aeff-cf8c-4e73-ad17-e0a4380e2232Forum:7bd0772e-38a2-437e-9e64-4a31de425465Discussion:3c3f16b8-50d3-4260-a07a-01465faba5c5
Forums » Relationships » Caregiving » Trying to cope
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Trying to cope
posted at November 10, 2012 8:49 PM EST
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Posts: 2
First: November 10, 2012 Last: November 12, 2012 |
Just recently, my 60 year old husband underwent surgery for colon cancer. Surgery went well, then he started to get sicker. Where they put his colon back together, it came apart spreading infection throughout his body. Then he developed pseudomonas. Long story short, he lost a lot of weight and I almost lost him. I had to infuse him with antibiodics at home and deal with his depression even though he claimed he wasn't depressed. He is now done with the infectious diseases doctor,and, we think, the surgeon. The only hurdle we have now is to get him to gain his weight back. He's 100.5 lbs and about 5' 7". He has been drinking the Megace to stimulate his appetite and that seems to be working. He eats like a horse, but still no weight gain. Doctor said as sick as he was, it will take time, and once he starts to gain, it will take off. He has physical therapy twice a week and it has helped him. Being a caregiver is not my cup of tea. I love him, been with him for 21 years, but this is way too much for me. He is the most negative person I've ever met. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel with this and the big picture. He has an ileostomy bag which needs to be emptied and changed regularly. I have no time for myself because he is so dependent on me. He can do for himself, he just doesn't want to. If it weren't for me changing and especially emptying his bag, he wouldn't do it. In other words, he's doing fine except for the weight, and I think that will be forthcoming. In the past, I have really snapped with his demands, his moaning and carrying on when he didn't need to be doing all that. He still thinks he has cancer (he doesn't), but his depression has gone. Just getting him to do for himself is driving me crazy. I have no family to help me with him, it's just us two and the dog. I can't go anywhere far or long because the dog has to be let out and then there's the bag issue. I feel like I'll never get a break from this. Everything with him is going in the right direction except for his laziness and refusal to do more. I get so crazed with him sometimes that I snap and say some very bad things to him, then I feel bad for doing that because it's just not me. Any suggestions? |
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Re: Trying to cope
posted at November 12, 2012 8:29 AM EST
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Posts: 1
First: November 12, 2012 Last: November 12, 2012 |
Hi! I can sympathize with you when trying to care for someone who is so negative. My suggestion is to find a local support group. If you can't find a support group, then at least find something local to do that get's you out and your mind off of the current home situation. Cards, coffee with friends, movies, Bingo, shopping, a walk in the park... Yes, I know you said the dog needs to be let out and the ostomy bag needs changing, but trying to care for someone while feeling resentment and fustration isn't easy and doing something outside of caregiving will help you cope better. Perhaps when your husband sees you trying to get back into life he'll eventually follow along. He doesn't have cancer any longer, so start doing things together that you used to do before the illness. Develop a pattern of "having" to do something everyday, like taking the dog for a walk. It will help hubby to realize that you have to do something else besides care for him during that time you're gone.
I also found a few groups online for caregivers. They were great at first but then I started getting pulled down by others who were in the same boat, we all had the same complaints with no solutions which can add to an already overwhelming feeling. In my experience, I let my mother pull me down into her whoa-is-me mood, and when I rose above it, she changed and so did I! Beleive me, I hated my life 4 years ago, but getting back into life helped me a lot!  In Response to Trying to cope: Just recently, my 60 year old husband underwent surgery for colon cancer. Surgery went well, then he started to get sicker. Where they put his colon back together, it came apart spreading infection throughout his body. Then he developed pseudomonas. Long story short, he lost a lot of weight and I almost lost him. I had to infuse him with antibiodics at home and deal with his depression even though he claimed he wasn't depressed. He is now done with the infectious diseases doctor,and, we think, the surgeon. The only hurdle we have now is to get him to gain his weight back. He's 100.5 lbs and about 5' 7". He has been drinking the Megace to stimulate his appetite and that seems to be working. He eats like a horse, but still no weight gain. Doctor said as sick as he was, it will take time, and once he starts to gain, it will take off. He has physical therapy twice a week and it has helped him. Being a caregiver is not my cup of tea. I love him, been with him for 21 years, but this is way too much for me. He is the most negative person I've ever met. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel with this and the big picture. He has an ileostomy bag which needs to be emptied and changed regularly. I have no time for myself because he is so dependent on me. He can do for himself, he just doesn't want to. If it weren't for me changing and especially emptying his bag, he wouldn't do it. In other words, he's doing fine except for the weight, and I think that will be forthcoming. In the past, I have really snapped with his demands, his moaning and carrying on when he didn't need to be doing all that. He still thinks he has cancer (he doesn't), but his depression has gone. Just getting him to do for himself is driving me crazy. I have no family to help me with him, it's just us two and the dog. I can't go anywhere far or long because the dog has to be let out and then there's the bag issue. I feel like I'll never get a break from this. Everything with him is going in the right direction except for his laziness and refusal to do more. I get so crazed with him sometimes that I snap and say some very bad things to him, then I feel bad for doing that because it's just not me. Any suggestions? Posted by LadyJ622 |
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Re: Trying to cope
posted at November 12, 2012 11:22 AM EST
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Posts: 2
First: November 10, 2012 Last: November 12, 2012 |
This is exactly my point. I refuse to be pulled down into the gloom and doom. I'm hesitant on support groups for the reason you just pointed out. My mind is strong and I have strong determination.I've already told him that my life WILL go on, that I have things to do instead of listening to him moan and groan that his back hurts, etc. I'm limited on what we can do together because of the fact that no clothes or shoes fit him (due to feet swelling). He complains about having to drink his protein drink, but then when I go about my business and conveniently "forget" to give it to him, he asks about it. I am trying to find things to do to just get away from him for a while. Like going and getting my mammogram.....When weather permits, I do take him in the car for a ride, and sometimes I feel like just pushing him out the door while the vehicle is moving......(LOL!). I know this sounds awful, but like I said, he is FINE!!!! He just needs to gain the weight. I might point out here that at age 60, he's never, ever been sick a day in his life. Never taken a pill. Now it's all caught up to him and I really think this is hard for him to absorb this. But self pity isn't the answer. He's watched me through my breast cancer and how I dealt with it, you would think he would get the hint. Bottom line here, I'm dealing with a big baby that just wants to feel sorry for himself as long as he can. I've threatened to pack up the dog and take her for a few days away, and if his ostomy bag explodes, then that's his problem. And with that issue, I think he thinks as long as I am doing it, why should he? Sometimes the reverse psychology just doesn't work, but I keep trying. I am determined to get his lazy self back to where he was before even though he can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
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Re: Trying to cope
posted at November 19, 2012 6:28 PM EST
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Posts: 15
First: August 31, 2012 Last: January 20, 2013 |
Wow... I know nothing about the specific situation of SOMEONE (him or ?) having to empty the bag, but maybe you should make an appt. with the doctor who gave that bag to him to find out what your options are. Maybe someone else could come in and give you a break once in a while so you could do something you WANTED to do FOR YOU! You are so close to the problem that you may not be able to see options. It's clear you are about to go crazy doing it, so I hope you get some relief. It's a shame to be so tied down with this type of care at such a young age. It's also a shame if it makes you resent your husband, if you had a good relationship before "the bag" became an issue. Good luck and I hope you find some relief SOON! |
Forums » Relationships » Caregiving » Trying to cope
