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Suddenly faced with caring for Dad
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Caregiving
Suddenly faced with caring for Dad
<font face="arial, helvetica, sans-serif" size="1"><div>In this caregiving message board lean on others for advice, tips or just the proverbial shoulder to cry on.</div><div><br /></div></font>
As the title says, I'm suddenly faced with having to care for my Dad. And, he's 1700 miles away. His in MA and I'm in TX. He's 71 and has Parkinson's. His wife, my step-mom, passed in 20
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Cat:8548aeff-cf8c-4e73-ad17-e0a4380e2232Forum:7bd0772e-38a2-437e-9e64-4a31de425465Discussion:d4f2dfa5-4360-435f-b84d-0754f1727298
Forums » Relationships » Caregiving » Suddenly faced with caring for Dad
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Suddenly faced with caring for Dad
posted at January 29, 2012 2:48 PM EST
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Posts: 4
First: January 29, 2012 Last: July 1, 2012 |
As the title says, I'm suddenly faced with having to care for my Dad. And, he's 1700 miles away. His in MA and I'm in TX. He's 71 and has Parkinson's. His wife, my step-mom, passed in 2004, so, he's been on his own since then. He's very independent to the point of sounding paranoid. He's always been self-employed to be able to do things on 'his terms'. He was diagnosed with the Parkinson's around '99. It wasn't until 2008 or so that it started getting real bad, yet, he continued to drive, and on 10/20/11, I got a call that I had been hoping I wouldn't get, he had been in a bad car wreck. Luckily no one else was involved, just him. My Dad was always one to say 'I've got it covered' when I would ask him if something were to 'happen'. Come to find out, nothing is covered. Hind sight being what it is, I wish I had pushed the issue with him. I went up there right after the wreck, but only had a week to stay. While I was there, I closed out the apt he had been in for the past 15 yrs. I did so because, we honestly didn't know if he was going to live or die, and because it was pretty empty already. I brought his personal stuff home with me, what little remained went to Goodwill. He's currently in a nursing home for rehab. His rehab finishes the first week of March. His (primary) Doctor and I both feel he can no longer be 100% on his own. So, now I'm faced with the difficult decision of where to 'put' him. I'm the only 'blood' child he has. He has step-dughters, but, they were out of the house and on their own by the time he came around. I have no one to 'go to' up there regarding him and to get things done. I've thought about bringing him down here near me, but, he hates this area. And, there's the little fact that my Wife doesn't get along with him. He has some friends where he's at, but, not the kind that would stop in on a regular basis. He knows no one down here aside from me. I'm 44, and for the most part am reasonably healthy. My biggest health issue(s) in my life has been dealing with depression and ADD. I've gotten help, and have come to terms with it. Now that I understand what's going on with myself (for years I didn't), I'm doing MUCH better, though my focus is still lacking at times because of the ADD. (Just what I need at a time like this). I just don't know which way to turn or who to ask for help. I tried local State and County agencies but came up empty. I've been looking around 'online' but, each time I think I've found something legit, its just someone wanting to sell something. I'm flat lost at this point. Any suggestions and/or comments will be appreciated. John |
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Re: Suddenly faced with caring for Dad
posted at January 29, 2012 8:21 PM EST
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Posts: 1923
First: November 27, 2011 Last: May 18, 2013 |
In Response to Suddenly faced with caring for Dad: John Posted by sat73[/QUOTE] There are several things that are important to know in order to give any direction. 1. How are his finances? Do you think he has enough to pay out of pocket for some sort of care or will the state have to help? 2. How much help is he going to have to have? Is this mostly just personal care or does he need nursing care? What can he do / what can't he do in the course of everyday living. So if he is not going to go back to where he was living after rehab - you do have to start researching ASAP. Here is an info site on long term care put out by Medicare discussing living options but keep in mind that unless he is pretty much destitute and can apply for MEDICAID, there are no payment options for regular living under Medicare. It also seems that Mass. should be able to give you some direction - they should have a Dept of Aging or Senior Services. Medicare.gov: Types of Long-Term Care If you can generally give the details of those (2) items above, I might be able to give you some options to investigate. |
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Re: Suddenly faced with caring for Dad
posted at January 29, 2012 10:18 PM EST
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Posts: 4
First: January 29, 2012 Last: July 1, 2012 |
In Response to Re: Suddenly faced with caring for Dad: In1. How are his finances? Do you think he has enough to pay out of pocket for some sort of care or will the state have to help? All he has is his monthly SS check. There's no pension or anything else. 2. How much help is he going to have to have? This I'm not real clear on, let me explain. The medicine he's currently on for his Parkinson's is why I'm not sure. From what I've seen (and heard from talking to him) this medicine causes him to 'loose focus'. If I try to talk to him an hour after he takes his meds, he's not 'all there'. If he took too much of it, it was like he had Alzheimers. To me, this is the biggest issue we're facing even more so than the rehab from his current injuries (broken hip socket, broken ribs). When I bring this matter up with his current primary, he blows me off and just says dementia is part of the illness. I'd agree if my Dad was this way all the time, but, he's not. Right now, I'm not sure how limited his mobilty is going to be. Is this mostly just personal care or does he need nursing care? I'm pretty sure he's going to need both to a degree.What can he do / what can't he do in the course of everyday living. I'm not sure at this point. The apartment he had didn't have rotting piles of trash around, but, it was 'dirty' and there was very little in the way of food. I think both had to do with his parkinson's more than not knowing what was happening. He did drive, but, he was very self conscious about his shaking, so, he didn't like to go into places. So if he is not going to go back to where he was living after rehab - you do have to start researching ASAP. Again, I'm not sure which way to go now. Leave him up there basically alone, but where he wants to be, or bring him down here to be closer to me.Here is an info site on long term care put out by Medicare discussing living options but keep in mind that unless he is pretty much destitute and can apply for MEDICAID, there are no payment options for regular living under Medicare.I did call medicare and was told that they only assist with paying for nursing homes, NOT assisted living. It also seems that Mass. should be able to give you some direction - they should have a Dept of Aging or Senior Services. Medicare.gov: Types of Long-Term Care If you can generally give the details of those (2) items above, I might be able to give you some options to investigate. Posted by GailL1 Any more questions for me, feel free to ask and I'll answer ASAP. Thanks for the help. John |
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Re: Suddenly faced with caring for Dad
posted at January 30, 2012 10:27 AM EST
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Posts: 1923
First: November 27, 2011 Last: May 18, 2013 |
In Response to Re: Suddenly faced with caring for Dad: In Response to Re: Suddenly faced with caring for Dad : Any more questions for me, feel free to ask and I'll answer ASAP. Thanks for the help. John Posted by sat73 It sounds like he might qualify for MEDICAID but that will depend on ALL his assets including his SS amount. The qualifications of income and assets for MEDICAID long term care varies by state. The actual programs available also vary by state to a certain degree. I would research both states to see what options there are available. Personally, I could not imagine trying to do this "long distance" (especially that many miles) but that is a matter for you and him, if he can help in this decision. I assume that the dementia will get worse with time and that is a consideration as to how much he can decide on his own right now and in the future. I'm in GA. and here we have MEDICAID nursing homes for those that need round the clock personal care. For those that can do a little for themselves, we have some Community based care options in the form of Personal Care Homes. These are located in communities, are small in the number of residents they care for, have limited abilities as far as medication management and are mostly for those that need some personal care, a watchful eye - they are suppose to be ambulatory to a certain extent. All these things vary by state and your Dad will have to be evaluated as to his care level and assets. MassHealth: Medicaid Mass. Texas Medicaid Long Term Care Service If your Dad is a Veteran, he might qualify for the VA "Aid and Attendance" program which might help financially - talk to a VA rep if he might qualify. If he is better than what you now think - HUD has several Independent Living Programs for Seniors and the Disabled. However in these designated apartment style living programs, the resident has to be able to do for themselves pretty much but care can be brought in to assist. I don't know if Medicaid in either state would help with this care expense. Plus the dementia might play a roll here as to his ability to operate a stove and other daily personal care. Section 8 is available in these type units but the waiting list is long. Sect 236 is available on a subsidy level and many have this program open for application. HUD Inventory of Housing for Seniors & Disabled. You also have to decide how much you could do for him - either by adding to his monthly income or providing him a place to live and be cared for in your home. That is an option too but think long and hard about it. There are people in your shoes all over the country - it makes it more difficult when there is little money to work with. It also makes it hard because he is relatively young and you never know how long he will have to have care and at what level. It also makes it hard when there is only one of you (me, too) - guess something can be said for having lots of siblings when situations like this come up. I moved my Mom (89 years old) into Assisted living in Oct. 2011. Hard decision but she had to have more care than I could continuously provide for her in her Independent Senior Apartment. She always had in her mind that she would just live with me - I always had in mind that she would not live with me. She is close by in the Assisted Living facility and I see her 1 - 2 times per week on a visiting basis; I no longer do any care since I am paying for the Assisted Living place out of my Mother's funds. ( I've had POA over her affairs for years and years because she is deaf, particially blind and not very educated). She really never had much money until I sold her property in 2000 and invested it for when she might need it - like now. The facility cost $ 3200 a month and she is at a low care level now - medication management, help with bath, etc. All of her other expenses are paid out of her SS - Medicare premiums and deductibles, Supplemental Insurance, Prescription Drug Insurance and her copays on her medications, phone bill, hair care, incidentals. As her daily care level inceases, which I know they will at this point, the Assisted Living facility will charge more, with the highest care level being about $ 6000 per month. I encounter people (the senior and/or their family) everyday that think that Medicare pays for Long Term Care. They have a very rude awakening sometimes. At least you are on the right track. You have some research to do and some thinkin' Good Luck, I will be thinking about you as you try to decide the best course. Hope I have helped in at least getting you started in your search and understanding about what might and might not be available. |
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Re: Suddenly faced with caring for Dad
posted at January 30, 2012 10:50 PM EST
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Posts: 4
First: January 29, 2012 Last: July 1, 2012 |
Thanks for your time and support, its appreciated! My Dad currently has Medicaid and Mass Health. The way I understand it, Mass Health just picks up some of the expenses Medicaid doesn't cover. He's not a Veteran, so, no VA option. It may sound funny, (odd, not ha-ha), but, the thing that concerns me about him staying here are the bathrooms. Its a typical '70's house that has small bathrooms. For one person its OK, but for two people (like someone assisting someone) they're too small. And forget about wheelchair access. With all the problems I'm currently having with where he's at now (most of which has to do with my distance), I'm really leaning towards making sure his SS and Medicaid/Medicare are taken care of, and sort out the rest once he's here. Part of the problem I'm having is that I DON'T have POA right now, so, its sometimes difficult to act on his behalf, even just to ask questions. I'm still trying local organizations near to me (including the one link you posted), I'll be sure to post follow ups of my progress. John |
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Re: Suddenly faced with caring for Dad
posted at January 31, 2012 11:26 AM EST
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Posts: 1923
First: November 27, 2011 Last: May 18, 2013 |
In Response to Re: Suddenly faced with caring for Dad: Thanks for your time and support, its appreciated! My Dad currently has Medicaid and Mass Health. The way I understand it, Mass Health just picks up some of the expenses Medicaid doesn't cover. He's not a Veteran, so, no VA option. It may sound funny, (odd, not ha-ha), but, the thing that concerns me about him staying here are the bathrooms. Its a typical '70's house that has small bathrooms. For one person its OK, but for two people (like someone assisting someone) they're too small. And forget about wheelchair access. With all the problems I'm currently having with where he's at now (most of which has to do with my distance), I'm really leaning towards making sure his SS and Medicaid/Medicare are taken care of, and sort out the rest once he's here. Part of the problem I'm having is that I DON'T have POA right now, so, its sometimes difficult to act on his behalf, even just to ask questions. I'm still trying local organizations near to me (including the one link you posted), I'll be sure to post follow ups of my progress. John Posted by sat73 There are tax credits available to refurbish a home for the handicapped - bathroom size and security measures, door widening, counter lowering, ramp building. If he is not coherent enough to give you POA, you can seek Guardianship through the local courts - you have to apply in the state/municipality where he is at now and then you can transfer it to TX. You can also contact the Social Security Administration to become his "Representative Payee". You act in the capacity of spending his SS benefit for him. If he goes to a nursing home paid for in part by Medicaid - the nursing home will become his Representative Payee because they will take his SS as part of the payment of the home. Yes, Medicaid in any state is normally only for health care for the poor but for the elderly who have to be institutionally care for in some place, it pays for this also once all their assets are gone. The caring institution also gets his SS benefit. If you are moving him to TX, you will have to apply for MEDICAID in Texas since the Medicaid programs are state specific. |
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Re: Suddenly faced with caring for Dad
posted at February 15, 2012 3:27 AM EST
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Posts: 1
First: February 15, 2012 Last: February 15, 2012 |
I hope some one can help me,well I have been taking care of my father for year and now the courts are taking his income $1800. and just give him $400.amount.Every time I ask for more money for his needs, takes me back to court.I know there has to be something I can do to stop this Financial abuse is devastating to individuals and families.My father is dying and the lawyers are taking me back to Court saying it was my place to tell my stepmother about the laws on guardianship.I did not got my papers on guardianship until two weeks later,my dads lawyer said that it is just about the money. |
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Re: Suddenly faced with caring for Dad
posted at February 18, 2012 9:55 AM EST
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Posts: 1923
First: November 27, 2011 Last: May 18, 2013 |
In Response to Re: Suddenly faced with caring for Dad: I hope some one can help me,well I have been taking care of my father for year and now the courts are taking his income $1800. and just give him $400.amount.Every time I ask for more money for his needs, takes me back to court.I know there has to be something I can do to stop this Financial abuse is devastating to individuals and families.My father is dying and the lawyers are taking me back to Court saying it was my place to tell my stepmother about the laws on guardianship.I did not got my papers on guardianship until two weeks later,my dads lawyer said that it is just about the money. Posted by teatea5242 Sounds like you have already gotten legal advice so I don't know how any of us can help you - plus you haven't given us enough details to even understand the situation. Sorry and Good Luck. |
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Re: Suddenly faced with caring for Dad
posted at July 1, 2012 7:52 PM EDT
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Posts: 4
First: January 29, 2012 Last: July 1, 2012 |
An over due follow up. My Dad passed May 11th. Just when things looked like they had taken a turn for the better, he seemed to 'give up' and things quickly went downhill. As much as I miss him, I can't help but feel a sense of relief too. I did everything I possibly could for him. He never made it down here. He passed still in the same nursing home he was initially put in. Right up to the day he passed, I was struggling to get answers for what I needed to do. I'm REALLY surprised that Texas made the number one place to retire as I'll be darned if I could find any real resouces for seniors. Cheap to live here, yes, but at what cost later on? Again, thanks for the help. John |
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Re: Suddenly faced with caring for Dad
posted at July 5, 2012 11:51 AM EDT
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Posts: 1923
First: November 27, 2011 Last: May 18, 2013 |
In Response to Re: Suddenly faced with caring for Dad: An over due follow up. My Dad passed May 11th. Just when things looked like they had taken a turn for the better, he seemed to 'give up' and things quickly went downhill. As much as I miss him, I can't help but feel a sense of relief too. I did everything I possibly could for him. He never made it down here. He passed still in the same nursing home he was initially put in. Right up to the day he passed, I was struggling to get answers for what I needed to do. I'm REALLY surprised that Texas made the number one place to retire as I'll be darned if I could find any real resouces for seniors. Cheap to live here, yes, but at what cost later on? Again, thanks for the help. John Posted by sat73 So sorry about your loss, John. Yes, once, anybody gives up, it seems that it is always downhill from that point. I can understand his feeling as well as your feeling of sort of relief. Try to concentrate on the good memories as you work through the grieving process. One of the reasons that some states are promoted as a good place to retire is the cost of living, the tax rate and the retirement funds exclusion in state taxes. It really does not have much to do with nursing home care, rates or any subsidized payments. If that were the case, a lot of the poorer elderly would be moving to those states that had the better Medicaid benefits although a much greater cost of living. My mother is 90 and is in memory care - she has been deaf all her life and now cannot speak and has very limited cognitive ability; her behavior is similar to a less than (2) year old but without any development, only decline. So although she can move around, feed herself with proding, her quality of life is very limited. Her caregivers are wonderful and I hope she can stay there until she passes on but who knows how long that could be. She fights them, tries to bite them, hits at them when they are trying to give her care - bath, hair washing, dressing, oral care - As POA, I pay her expenses and believe me they are hefty but based on what these caregivers do and endure, it is reasonable - Her care is not medical, mostly personal care because she takes very little medicine and has few medical conditions that can be fixed or treated at this point. If she ever becomes bedridden, she will have to be moved to a nursing home at her cost which is twice what the memory care runs. As her health care directive designate, I have given orders for DNR and also no feeding tube. All of this has made me get my wishes in order, both financial and healthcare, so that my child does not have to make these decisions and she will know what I want. Trying to make decisions for another adult is always difficult and has a lot of 2nd guessing attached - you just have to know that you have done your best. Best to you, John. Share your experience with others that you know who might have to walking in your footsteps in the future. This is the sort of thing that most families avoid talking about until something happens - best to do some planning or at least knowledge gathering. |
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