Mother passed away November 11, 2012. She had a mild heart attack and her vital organs started shutting down. She only had one kidney, so this made it even more serious. November 10, the nursing home called to say she was on her way to the hospital ER due to being in some type of distress and having trouble breathing. I was in bed sick with a stomach virus that was keeping me running back and forth from bed to the bathroom when they called. My dear hubby (bless him!) called my brother to let him know, then went to the hospital to check on her. Our son and granddaughter happened to be visiting from out of town that weekend, so they went, too. My brother and some of his family came and were also at the hospital. Not long after, my hubby called and said that if there was any way I could get up and come to the hospital, I should try, because the dr. said she was nearing the end. I got up and went. I put on a mask as soon as I got to the hospital so I wouldn't spread whatever I had. Mother was conscious, but I couldn't tell if she recognized any of us or not. We sat in the ER with her for several hours until the doctor asked if we wanted to take her back to the nursing home or admit her. She had a DNR order, and at this point they were just giving her morphine so she wouldn't be in any pain. After a lot of discussion, we decided it would be best to admit her, which they did. We went home, but my hubby went back to spend the night with her (bless him!). They put her in a private room with a small sofa, and gave him a pillow, blanket and coffee. He fell asleep, but awoke just before 4 am. He walked to her bedside and spoke to her but she didn't answer. In just a minute or two, he could tell she had stopped breathing so he called the head nurse who confirmed her death. I was still sick in bed at home, so he called me and then my brother to let us know. We had her visitation the next evening, and graveside service the following day. The day after that, my hubby and I had to leave on a business trip. The day after that, my brother and his wife had to leave on a business trip. None of us got back until the next week. It was difficult to carry on like nothing unusual had happened, but in a way, it was comforting to have something to keep our minds occupied.

After we got home, I took a couple of days to just "be", not forcing myself to do anything or talk to anyone. Two days later, it was Thanksgiving. Our son and granddaughter came to spend the weekend with us which again, kept my mind occupied. The next week, the avalanche hit. My desk was piled with a mountain of paper and mail; some personal, some Mother's, and some business. I felt like I was moving in slow motion, handling one thing at a time, making one phone call at a time, calling the bank, Social Security, and other businesses she had accounts with. I had a session with my counselor, who I've been seeing for my depression since February. I had talked to her about how difficult my mother was, and how hard it was caring for her, so she knew the situation before Mother passed. She assured me I had done the best I could do. This really helped me.

Earlier this week I sent thank you notes. I still have a lot of her paperwork to take care of, storage building to empty, etc., but  I'm surprised at how peaceful I feel. It feels like a great stressor in my life is not there anymore. At the same time, as difficult as our relationship was, my memories of Mother have mostly been pleasant. It's like my mind is filtering out  the bad times to keep me from getting depressed again.

I feel like I'm rambling, but since I posted here back in the summer about what a hard time I was having dealing with my Mother, I wanted to let you know what it is like now that she's gone. I'm ready to get on with my life and that feels good. May she rest in peace.