Gabriel Goldberg

The Internet is the world's largest and most accessible library. But there's a hazard to posting material: while it becomes accessible to everyone online — hundreds of millions of people — it can also take on a life of its own, and escape from control of and attribution to its author.

Many people who've been online for a while have a collection of joke mailing lists and a set of humor Web sites — not to mention email from friends, relatives, and colleagues — to keep them amused. While it's worth exercising restraint when forwarding (Is it new? Is it funny? Will they want this?), gems do arrive. My monthly collections will feature Internet humor items: credited if their origin is known, or unattributed if they're featured on dozens, hundreds, thousands, or more Web sites.

And now a word from the other camp...

I'm a cat person, my wife and I have four. But we like dogs a lot too, enjoy visiting families with them and borrowing them to take for park walks. So I like this tribute to dogs:

• The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. — Anonymous
• Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. — Ann Landers
• If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. — Will Rogers
• There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. — Ben Williams
• The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. — Andy Rooney
• We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's he best deal man has ever made. — M. Acklam
• Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and ate. — Sigmund Freud
• I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. — Rita Rudner
• A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. — Robert Benchley
• If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. — James hurber
• My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. — Joe Weinstein
• Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, when we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul — chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! — Anne Tyler
• Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. — Robert A. Heinlein
• If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. — Mark Twain
• You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" — Dave Barry
• Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. — Roger Caras
• If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. — Phil Pastoret

A Well Planned Life?

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, Did you manage to live a well-planned life?"

"Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second was to an actor; then I married a preacher; now I'm married to an undertaker."

The first woman asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?"

"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!" came the reply.

See a list of all Internet Humor by Gabriel Goldberg »