Eenie, Meenie, Minie É Noooo!

Source: AARP Bulletin Today | April 15, 2005

When it comes to life’s hard choices, I freeze up at "paper or plastic?"

So now I’m at the supermarket checkout breaking into a mental sweat. Milk: plastic. Eggs: paper. Frozen lasagna: paper. No, plastic. Box of plastic bags … God help me.

It’s just one example of our many so-called choices that are really not choices at all—but merely selections among many of the same thing. Yet I feel compelled to reason out all the possible permutations.

For instance, I’m convinced that Starbucks has been installing overstuffed furniture to pave the way for on-site psychiatrists who will help work through your deep-seated indecision over whether that venti skim latte extra-hot should come with or without foam. Yes, it’s all coffee. But in fact, the smaller the sliver of difference among the choices, the more agonizing the decision.

How many variations of Coke will they sell you now? I found 11. Staring down the soft drink aisle, I get a kind of horizontal vertigo that only a Coca-Cola light with lemon can relieve. Or is it Caffeine Free Coke II? I’m dizzy again.

Remember when people complained they had 65 cable channels and nothing to watch? Now they’ve got 150 channels and nothing to watch. In 10 more years, someone will tell me, "I’ve got 15,000 channels on my satellite, and all I get is Sea Hunt." And I’ll think, "Well, is that Sea Hunt before Lloyd Bridges started diving with two tanks, or after?"

My friend Meg tells me there are no fewer than seven daytime court shows on TV, ranging from the venerable Judge Judy to Texas’ own Judge Larry Joe Doherty. Now, this may tell us more about Meg than it does about TV, but even she will admit they are all the same show.

Do you want a seat in the front, middle or back of the plane? Will I get there any quicker? Am I watching CSI in Miami, New York or Vegas? Does the dead body care? Is Paris Hilton the smart one, or is it Nicole Richie? And in what universe does that question have an answer?

Wait, wait, I’ve got it. Paper bags inside plastic bags. Whew.