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Is the Mind-Blowing Orgasm a Blast From the Past?

Readers ask our sexpert about certain lovemaking processes that come and go

New Love

Stocksy

Don't let healthy conditions be a barrier to intimacy

Q: I never thought I'd fall in love again at 70, but that's what has happened. She's in love with me, too, but we haven't tried to have sex yet because I can't figure out how to tell her my diabetes inhibits my ability to get an erection. (She thinks I'm merely being sensitive, when in fact I don't want to take the chance she'll reject me.) How do I tell her? And what can I do to make love to her so that she does not feel unfulfilled?

A: I get the bind you think you're in, but is it possible her love is not "erection dependent"?

The beauty of love is that it allows us to make compromises in service to other, more important things — being with the person who opens up your heart and soul, for starters.

So level with her and tell her about your condition. In the same breath, reassure her that you want to make love to her in other ways and that there are ways she can make you feel good, too. If the two of you are open to dildos, vibrators or oral sex, you can pleasure her to orgasm, and she can excite you as well — and, perhaps, stimulate you to orgasm. (As you probably know, a man does not need an erect penis to have an orgasm.)

As a first step, visit a sex shop together (either brick-and-mortar or online) to find out what sexual aids are available. Learning about what's new in sex toys can be very erotic!

Don't get me wrong, adapting to this "new normal" is going to be far from an easy adjustment. Aging is not always kind, and some of the diseases that show up along the way — I'm looking at you, diabetes — make conventional intercourse difficult or impossible. But that doesn't mean we can't satisfy each other in alternative and deliciously inventive ways!


Q: My husband and I like making love to each other. He does the same things he used to do. But it feels like my orgasms are not as strong as they used to be. Is there a way to get them back on track? Or is this just a natural, biological result of getting older?

A: Although I've heard about weaker orgasms from a number of women, most doctors know little about the problem, nor is there much research literature on it.

One possibility is that as your estrogen levels decline with age and vaginal muscles get weaker, reducing the muscle tension that helps some women climax.

Second, some older women find it difficult to clench the vagina around the penis as tightly as they did when they were younger, which may cause a loss of sensation as well.

Third, any diminution in a woman's blood-delivery system means less blood flowing to the vulvar area, therefore less pressure on the nerve endings that set off an orgasm.

Finally, the changes could be due to lower muscle tension overall, especially in the legs and core (stomach and abdomen). Though seemingly unrelated, this, too, can lessen your orgasmic response.

In your case, I agree the issue is likely physiological, not psychological. However, Kegel exercises may help you rebuild your vaginal muscles, while gym or other workouts can strengthen your legs and core.

Another possible remedy: Include a vibrator in your lovemaking. These devices efficiently and effectively drive more blood into the genital area, helping to alleviate any blood-delivery deficiency you may be experiencing. If your husband uses it with you, and you take your time and let the excitement build, it might bring back those shake-the-bed-frame orgasms you used to have.

Oh, and one last tactic: Resist the temptation to compare then and now. Taking the "glass half full" position, I have to say that almost any level of orgasm is pretty wonderful!


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