Heartfelt Decisions: What's best for loved ones is a very personal choice
By: Olympia Dukakis Source: AARP Bulletin Today Date Posted: 2007-05-11
When Sen. John Edwards and his wife, Elizabeth, announced that his presidential campaign would continue despite her incurable cancer, their decision sparked a national discussion. To my eyes, this discussion was as much about love and marriage as it was about politics or ambition; it was about how to live one's life in the face of illness. The Edwardses considered their situation squarely and chose the path they felt would bring them the most happiness, incongruous as that word might sound. In their decision, I saw a combination of realism and optimism that I've had occasion to consider in both personal and professional situations.
I'm in a new movie, Away from Her, a love story directed and written by actress-filmmaker Sarah Polley. Julie Christie stars as Fiona, a vibrant 62-year-old who is diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. Naturally, Fiona is frightened, but she's also strong and proactive. She realizes what's happening to her and decides to enter a nursing home. Fiona's husband, Grant, played by Gordon Pinsent, is in denial about her illness and—for a number of complicated emotional reasons—is unhappy with her choice. His situation intensifies as Fiona forms a strong attachment to another patient at the facility, Aubrey, portrayed by Michael Murphy.
I play Aubrey's wife, Marian, who has placed him in the home temporarily but can't afford to keep him there and must serve as his caretaker for the rest of his life. Altogether, these four characters have logged some eight decades of marriage. They want to do what is best for one another, and ultimately they recognize what that "best" is.
Of course, this philosophy isn't only for married couples. When my now-deceased mother was in her late 80s, she developed Alzheimer's. At the time, she was living with me and my family, and I was happy to have her there. After a lifetime of conflict, we'd finally become close. I had no intention of putting her in a nursing home. But while I was out of the country working, my mother reached a crisis point. She'd become seriously disoriented, convinced that men were breaking into the house to rob and kill her. Over the phone, my son Peter and brother, Apollo, talked to me and the entire family. I realized keeping my mother home wasn't fair to anyone, including her.
We moved her to a facility where she received superb care. Almost immediately, she improved, regaining a sense of vitality and security. We'd go for walks, singing Greek songs together. Though often she couldn't remember my name, I always felt she was happy we were singing. Yes, it was hard and nothing could change the inevitable. But to this day, I'm glad my family and I were able to make the realistic assessment that allowed my mother a chance at some measure of safety and peace.
Whether the illness is cancer or Alzheimer's, there can be no hard-and-fast rules about life after diagnosis—except that you need to be honest and flexible. It's an inherently personal process, and I doubt that caregiving decisions are ever easy. But made conscientiously—as is the case of the Edwardses, the fictional Fiona and, I believe, my own family—those decisions should be respected.
Olympia Dukakis is an Oscar-winning actress.
preview