The Art of Marital Communication
Gabriel Goldberg
My wife and I are buying a new house and selling the house in which we live. Without revealing any marital secrets, it’s safe to say that moving is higher on my wife’s priority list than it is on mine. So over the next few months we’ll both strive for calm and complete communication. We won’t use these funny little — but unattributed — stories harvested from the Internet as examples.
-----A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Will you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" asked the woman
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in.
Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."
The doctors say he will probably live, but it will be quite awhile before the cast will be off…
---A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd really love to be ten again" she replied wistfully.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Frosties and then took her off to their local theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, and the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the cinema to see the latest blockbuster, complete with a hot-dog, popcorn, a big fizzy drink, and a huge bag of M&M's, her favorite sweets. What a time she had!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, darling, what was it like being ten again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"You dummy," she replied. "I meant my dress size..."
The story’s moral: Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong.
