Pastors, Doctors, Teachers, Parents ... and the Easter Bunny
Gabriel Goldberg
Does It seem challenging to discover what pastors, doctors, teachers, and parents have in common with the Easter Bunny? That's easy: they're all on the Internet, ready to share a smile with you!
Knock, Knock
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to repeated knocks at the door. So he took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found his card returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check the citation, he burst out laughing. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are! "A cheerful heart is good medicine"—Proverbs 17:22a
Half and Half
Moishe was 80 years old and his family decided he needed a full medical check-up. So, he went to the doctor. The doctor listened to his heart and then said, "Uh oh!" Moishe did not like what he had heard and asked what the problem was.
"Well," said the doctor, "I can quite clearly hear a serious heart murmur. Do you drink?"
"No," replied Moishe.
"Do you smoke?"
"No." replied Moishe.
"Well then, do you have a sex life?"
"Well, now that you ask me, yes." said Moishe.
"Well then, Moishe, that's a problem," said the doctor, "I'm afraid you'll have to give up half your sex life if you want your heart to last."
Moishe asked, "Which half should I give up, the looking or the thinking?"
Suspicions Confirmed
At New York's Kennedy Airport, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, and a calculator.
Attorney General John Ashcroft believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x" and "y," and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns," we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every angle, and if God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.
Therefore, I'm extremely grateful that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are so willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. These statistic bastards love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence. Under the circumferences, it's time we differentiated their root, made our point, and drew the line.
These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex. As our Great Leader would say, "Read my ellipse." Here is one principle he is uncertainty of—though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered and the hypotenuse will tighten around their necks.
Entrance Exam
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
Little Fears, Big Fears
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
Recovery Assured
An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…"
All I Need to Know About Life, I Learned From the Easter Bunny
- Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
- Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
- Everyone needs a friend who's all ears.
- There's no such thing as too much candy.
- All work and no play can make you a basket case.
- A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.
- Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
- Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
- Some body parts should be floppy.
- Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.
- The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
- An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.
- To show your true colors, you have to come out of your shell.
- The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.
