Q: Since my divorce 12 years ago, I’ve had my fair share of dates. Then, through the Internet personals a couple of months back, I finally met a man I had absolute chemistry with. He seemed to feel it too, but after just a couple of weeks he started to back off.
The last time I saw him—over a month ago—it was wonderful! He seemed just as bubbly and thrilled as I was. Now I feel like I don’t know what’s going on. I’m not sure if I should just ask him that question point-blank, or whether I should even contact him. John Gray’s Mars/Venus book says I shouldn’t take the initiative—that I should wait for him to contact me. What do you think?
A: It is dumfounding to establish a great connection with someone only to have him vanish into thin air. It makes you doubt your assessment skills.
For some people, being thrilled and bubbly can mean they harbor a very deliberate desire to get closer to others— to establish intimacy, to find a partner for life. Other people— no matter how effervescent they may appear in the moment—possess an equally intense desire to stay free of all encumbrances. Still others delight in making the sort of sparkling connection you describe, then mysteriously disappear at evening’s end. This third group contains what I like to think of as the unstable isotopes of the dating world: They’re good for only one brief chemical bond at a time.
If you ask me—and you did—I think it’s fine to contact The Invisible Man and ask him point-blank why he seems to go as fast in reverse as he does in forward. See if he can explain this behavior to your satisfaction. Only then can you truly find out if what you had still sizzles—or has fizzled.
Dating in midlife is remarkably (some would say “disturbingly”) reminiscent of dating in adolescence. As in the scandalously inequitable social scene that prevailed in your teenage years, it seems that everyone but you has found a partner—even though you personally would not be interested in half of them. You’re single, you’re lonely, you’re discouraged (I know this because I hear it detailed in my office). You can’t quite divine the “rules of engagement,” yet you don’t have a lifetime to waste in figuring them out.
The difference between 50 and 15 is that you now know who you are. However vulnerable or tired you may feel, you’ve seen yourself through plenty of ups and downs. If things don’t work out with this guy—if his constantly running hot and cold makes you feel tapped out—keep experimenting with other elements. As in the ballroom (or bedroom!), practice makes perfect in the laboratory of life.
From Sex & Love for Grownups, by Sallie Foley, pp. 34-36.
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