Grandparents and Child Development
By: AARP Grandparent Information Center Source: AARP Foundation Date Posted: 2004-09-20 16:39:42
Some developmental milestones, however, are more difficult to deal with. For example, on a recent visit to our 18-month-old grandson, we tried to give our grandson a kiss when we arrived. He took one look at us, turned away, and cried. Then there was a visit from our preteen granddaughter. She arrived attached to headphones. She wasn't interested in anything except talking on the phone with her friends.
We were disappointed but not surprised. Both of our grandchildren were "going through a stage." Knowing that, we were able to put aside our disappointment, adjust our expectations, and enjoy our time together.
It Happens So Fast
Grandchildren change so quickly it's hard to keep up with them. We should be willing to try, though. For fast information on what to expect from grandchildren of any age, there is nothing better than the Internet. Numerous Web sites offer guidelines to all stages of child development, from birth through adolescence. A quick search can tell us what we need to know at any point in the growing-up process.
The Basics of Child Development
Grandchildren are complex little human beings. They are constantly changing in more ways than can be listed here. Below is a very general look at the social and emotional developments we can expect in grandchildren.
- Infancy (birth to 2 years)
These are the years when we must childproof our homes because grandchildren this age explore with their mouths. This age group lacks self-control, cannot remember rules, and does not understand consequences. They are afraid of unfamiliar faces. Approach slowly and carefully. Their long journey toward independence is beginning. Let them feed themselves (despite the mess), play games with them, and read to them. Be prepared for temper tantrums and lots of "No." Hold, hug, rock, and cuddle with abandon. - Early childhood (3 to 8 years)
Between ages three and five, grandchildren begin to accept suggestions and follow simple directions. They like to try new things, take risks, and make their own decisions. They share and take turns. They can also be very bossy. Awareness of others and their feelings begins to develop. Grandchildren ages six to eight are increasingly interested in making friends. They find criticism and failure hard to handle. They can work with others and take part in discussions with different points of view. They all like jokes and riddles. - Later childhood (9 to 12 years)
Preteens want to spend time more time with their friends than with their family. They may challenge adult authority. Grandchildren this age compare their families to those of their friends—often unfavorably. They need love and support more than ever. - Adolescence (13 to 18 years)
We may not see much of our grandchildren during this time. They are forming lasting friendships with both sexes. Teenagers are more tolerant and even-tempered than preteens, but they experience real pain when relationships end. They take social and physical risks and like to discuss serious issues, especially those that affect teenagers.
If we understand normal child development, we can put temper tantrums into perspective. We can recognize that separation anxiety and stranger anxiety have nothing to do with us personally. Patience pays off. One of these days our granddaughter will take off her headphones and talk to us again. We just have to wait until the time is right.
Extra Eyes and Ears
Parents are so close to their children that they sometimes miss early developmental problems. Take, for example, friends of mine, whose child was born with a serious hearing loss. These two well-educated people never realized anything was wrong. The fact that their daughter didn't come when she was called or wouldn't talk on the telephone raised no red flags. Only when she began preschool did her teacher identify the real problem.
We can do the same for our grandchildren as the preschool teacher. If we think something isn't right, we need to raise the question with our children. As The Coordinated Campaign for Learning Disabilities reminds us, "The only 'wrong' thing to do is to do nothing." Most developmental problems can be successfully treated if they are identified early.
This, Too, Shall Pass
It's important to know what normal behavior is for grandchildren at different ages. That way we're less likely to be hurt or disappointed when their behavior isn't exactly what we expected. There are too many good things about watching grandchildren grow up to let some passing phase upset us. Grandchildren need all the love we can give them all the time. Take a deep breath. We know from experience the stormy patches don't last forever. They're only around long enough to help us appreciate good weather when it arrives.
AARP Resources
- Mr. Rogers ' Passion for Learning
It was a great day in our neighborhood when Mr. Rogers talked to AARP.
Additional Resources
- Child Development Basics
Information from the Child Development Institute on physical, mental and emotional growth and development in children and teenagers. - ivillage.com Development Tracker
Guide to children's development from age one through twelfth grade, including age-appropriate skills, changes, and challenges. - Emotions and Behavior
Help with understanding a variety of childhood behaviors for toddlers to teenagers, including separation anxiety, temper tantrums, and depression.
Books
Find these books online at Barnes & Noble
- " Your Child: Emotional, Behavioral, and Cognitive Development from Birth through Preadolescence "
Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, David Pruitt, HarperCollins Publishers, March 2000 - " The Yale Child Study Center Guide to Understanding Your Child: Healthy Development from Birth to Adolescence "
Linda Mayes and Donald Cohen, Little, Brown & Co., February 2002 - " Touchpoints: Your Child ' s Emotional and Behavioral Development "
T. Berry Brazelton, Perseus Publishing, February 1994
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