Step Grandparenting

Family Relationships

By: Arthur Kornhaber, M.D. | Source: AARP.org | October 13, 2004

American families are changing. You've probably seen these changes in your own family. You may be divorced. Your children may be divorced, too. One out of every two marriages ends this way. Did your son or daughter remarry? Then you now have stepgrandchildren, in addition to your biological grandchildren. This will also be true if you remarried and your new spouse has grandchildren.

All of these new relationships can complicate your family life. But they can also bring you a great deal of joy. Getting to know and love your stepgrandchildren could be the best thing you ever did!

At first, you may be confused about how you should act or where you fit into the family picture. That's why it's important to spend some time getting in touch with how you feel about your new role. Are you excited about having a stepgrandchild? Or is it a burden? Do you have the will, and the time, to build a relationship with the child? Are there family issues that may prevent this from happening? Knowing how you feel will help you be a better stepgrandparent.

Once you sort out your feelings, try and learn how everyone else in the family is feeling. That includes your stepgrandchild, his parents and other grandparents.

Your Stepgrandchild

Just because you want a relationship with your stepgrandchild doesn't mean that he will want to be close with you. The child may have enough grandparents for the moment. She may not need you in such a role. He may still be upset over his parent's divorce and remarriage. She may still be getting used to having new siblings and other relatives. All of these changes can be overwhelming for a child.

The younger your stepgrandchild is, the easier it will be to get close to him or her. A baby is not aware of what is going on in her family. She will adore you because you adore her. A five-year-old may also warm up to you quickly. Connecting with a teenager may be harder. Teens usually have their minds on other things, like school, friends, and activities. They aren't interested in stepgrandparents right now. An older child may also resent you and think you are invading his family.

Try not to take this personally. And don't get give up on a child who is distant. Timing is everything. Reach out to the child. But if he isn't ready, don't push it. Be patient. Wait for the child to come to you. Be there for her when she is ready.

Do you have other grandchildren? You may decide that you don't have the time or desire to get too involved with a stepgrandchild right now. It's good to be honest with yourself about these feelings. But don't ignore your stepgrandchild completely. The child will be hurt if you treat her differently than her stepsiblings. This is especially true during the holidays. Make sure every child in your family receives a gift, including your stepgrandchild.

The Child's Parents

Your stepgrandchild's parents are going through a lot right now. Getting married again is a happy occasion. But it is also a big adjustment. A parent may still be upset about his or her divorce. Maybe the parent's first spouse died and the parent is still grieving. Sometimes stepchildren will not accept their new stepparent. This can be hard on everyone.

You can help your family work through these feelings. Here's how:

• Be there to listen if parents need to talk. But don't force your opinions on them.
• Make sure parents approve of your relationship with your stepgrandchild.
• Don't criticize the parenting skills of your new son-in-law or daughter-in-law.
• Find ways to add to family harmony, rather than take away from it.
• Learn all you can about stepfamilies. Watch other stepfamilies in action. Learn from their successes and their mistakes.
• If conflict arises, sit back and wait. Don't fan the family flames. Trust that things will improve as family members heal or mature.

Other Grandparents

Your stepgrandchild may already have a close relationship with his other grandparents. You need to respect this. The child's natural grandparents may feel jealous of the time you spend with the child. Put yourself in their shoes. You would probably feel the same way.

Discuss these issues with the child's parents. Talk to the other grandparents if you can. Tell them that you'd like to have a relationship with their grandchild. They will appreciate the fact that you reached out to them.

Take Comfort

Research shows that stepgrandparents can have a meaningful, loving relationship with their stepgrandchildren. In one study, researchers talked to 25 couples who had just remarried. They asked the couples how their children and stepchildren got along with stepgrandparents. All the couples said that everyone got along quite well. Most of the children said that they cared for and respected their stepgrandparent.

This is hopeful news. Even when a child is slow to warm up to you, a close relationship can still blossom. Older people and young people are drawn to one another naturally. Try to remember this. Go slowly and make yourself available. Don't ask for immediate rewards and feedback. The chances are good that you will become a lifelong friend, caregiver and role model for your stepgrandchild.

About the Author
Arthur Kornhaber, M.D., is a child and family psychiatrist. He is one of the nation's foremost experts on grandparenting issues.

AARP Resources

• A Grandparent's Role in the Family
  Experts on grandparenting offer advice on how to adjust to your new role when a child joins your family.
• How to Be the Best Grandparent Ever
  Mario Andretti, Phyllis Diller and other experts share their secrets for impressing grandchildren.

Other Resources

• Stepfamily Foundation
  The Stepfamily Foundation offers helpful information about all aspects of the stepfamily.
• The Foundation for Grandparenting
  The Foundation for Grandparenting offers information about stepgrandparenting and other grandparenting issues.
• Blended Families
  This article, written just for kids, talks frankly about blended families and what they mean for children. Children can visit other parts of the KidsHealth Web site to find out more about adoption, divorce, and "surviving stepsiblings."

Books

Find these books online at Borders.com.

• "The Grandparent Guide," Arthur Kornhaber, NTC Publishing Group, September 2002
• "The Essential Grandparent's Guide to Divorce: Making a Difference in the Family," Lillian Carson, Health Communications, Incorporated, May 1999
• "How to Build the Grandma Connection," Susan V. Bosak, The Communications Project, April 2002