Dealing with Your Grandchild's Difficult Behaviors
Source: AARP.org | October 13, 2004
Before the move, grandparents were free to spoil their grandchildren. Now, they are the ones who have to keep those children in line. That's not nearly as much fun. It's also hard work.
For one thing, parenting styles have changed a lot since grandparents raised their own children. "Time outs" are in. Spanking is out. Switching gears takes a lot of energy and patience. So does keeping tabs on curious little ones who find trouble at every turn. Grandparents aren't as young as they used to be. That becomes painfully obvious when they try to chase after a toddler or keep a teenager in check.
Guiding youngsters through life can also be emotionally draining. Grandparents may be at a loss when it comes to dealing with the mental health issues that trouble their grandchildren. These children are so young. Yet many of them have already lived through more trauma than some adults face in a lifetime. They feel alone and unloved. And they have needs that other kids don't share.
This kind of trauma can change children. They may act differently than they used to. They may be angry or anxious. They could be aggressive or withdrawn. At the same time, they may need more comfort and understanding from the adults in their lives.
Grandparent caregivers must be strong enough to set firm limits for these children. They also need to be tender enough to offer plenty of praise and encouragement. It's a delicate balance. Getting it right would be hard for even the best parent.
Parenting Troubled Kids
What do grandchildren need from the grandparents who are raising them?
- Grandchildren need positive reinforcement. Patting children on the back when they do something good can inspire them to do more good things. It can also help them feel good about themselves.
- Grandchildren need consistency. It ' s best to set ground rules that are clear. That way there are no questions about what is right and what is wrong. Do your best to enforce those rules in the same way every day.
- Grandchildren need to feel safe. If you have to punish them, do it calmly. Do not use physical or emotional violence.
- Grandchildren need to know you care. Make sure they know that their bad behaviors will never make you stop loving them.
Behaviors You Can't Control
Are you having trouble getting through to a grandchild? Do your efforts at discipline fail time after time? Your grandchild could have a condition that you can't control. He or she may need help from others.
Some medical disorders can cause a child's behavior to change. If you think this is happening to your grandchild, talk to your health care providers. They can screen your grandchild. The child may have a behavior disorder, a mood disorder or an anxiety disorder. If so, medication and therapy may work. See the child's doctor or mental health provider. Don't wait to get help. Most disorders are easier to treat when you catch them early.
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
Behavior disorders are common in children who are being raised by grandparents. One of the most common is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Children with ADHD can't control the way they act. They can't sit still. They have trouble focusing and completing tasks. They forget things. They interrupt others. They speak or act without thinking. These children are usually very bright. But they have a hard time doing well in school. They also have a hard time making friends.
ADHD seems to run in families. Some experts think that people with ADHD may not have the right amount of some chemicals in their brains. These chemicals help people pay attention. Others believe that children can get ADHD if their mothers drink alcohol or use drugs when they are pregnant.
Bipolar Disorder
Is your grandchild wildly happy or angry, and then very depressed? Perhaps it's bipolar disorder. People with this disorder have extreme mood swings. Sometimes, they may have lots of energy and talk a mile a minute. They might not be able to sleep. They may do things that are very risky. They may get angry and violent. These are called "manic" symptoms. At other times, the same people will be very quiet, sad and hopeless. They may have very low energy. They may cry a lot and feel like they want to die. These are called "depressive" symptoms.
Anyone can develop bipolar disorder. It often runs in families. It can also appear in families that have a history of drug or alcohol abuse.
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
It's normal for children to feel afraid when they have to do new things or meet new people. But these fears usually go away after a while. Does your grandchild have fears that don't go away? Then he or she may have an anxiety disorder.
There are many anxiety disorders. One is called Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, or OCD. Children with OCD tend to get stuck on a particular fear or worry. They just can't let go of it. They feel that they have to do something over and over in order to make their fear go away. One example, a child with OCD may be obsessed with germs. To deal with that obsession, the child may wash his or her hands over and over until the skin becomes raw.
OCD may run in families. New events like starting school can bring it on. So can major losses, like moving, losing a loved one, or a change in the family.
Helping a Child Improve
Serious behavior problems aren't a child's fault. And they aren't your fault either. But both you and your
grandchild must work together so the child will improve. Get the help you need. Take part in the child's therapy. Give the child your support. And, together, both you and your grandchild can look forward to better days ahead.
AARP Resources
- When Stress Gets the Best of You
Raising and disciplining grandchildren can be stressful. Find out how you'll know if stress has gotten the best of you. - Finding Health Insurance for Your Grandchildren
Does your grandchild need therapy and medication? Health insurance might help pay the bill.
Other Resources
- American Academy of Pediatrics
Learn about various behavioral and mental health issues including aggressive behavior, behavior concerns such as lying and cheating, ADHD, bi-polar disorder and when to seek professional help for your grandchild. - Grandparent ' s Guide — Parenting Issues
Learn new parenting skills so you can give your grandchildren the tools they will need to be successful in life. - Child and Adolescent Mental Health
The Lucile Packard Children's Hospital at Stanford University presents detailed information about a variety of mental health problems that can affect children and adolescents. - Effective Discipline
The Ohio State University Extension offers tips on appropriate ways to deal with the misbehavior of a child.
Books
Find these books online at Borders.com
- " Volcano in My Tummy: Helping Children to Handle Anger , " Eliane Whitehouse, With Warwick Pudney, New Society Publishers, April 1998
- " Good Kids, Difficult Behavior: A Guide to What Works and What Doesn ' t , " Joyce E. Divinyi, Elizabeth Fallon (Editor), Wellness Connection, January 1998
- " How to Handle a Hard-to-Handle Kid: A Parents ' Guide to Understanding and Changing Problem Behaviors , " C. Drew Edwards, Caryn Pernu (Editor), Jolene Roehlkepartain (Editor), Carrie Price Schwert (Illustrator), Foreword by Arthur D. Anastopoulos, Free Spirit Publishing, Inc., September 1998
- " The Bi-Polar Child , " Dimitri Papolos, M.D., Janice Papolos, Broadway Books, September 2002
- " Taking Charge of ADHD, Revised Edition " Russell Barkley, Guilford Publications, Inc., September 2000
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