Becoming a Grandparent
By: Source: AARP.org Date Posted: 2006-06-20 16:58:31.739827-04:00
You're going to be a grandparent! The announcement comes in many different ways. It may be a phone call, or an e-mail, or a surprise visit. You may hear it at home, or in the office, or during dinner in a restaurant. However the news arrives, one thing is certain: Nothing will ever be the same again.
For most of us, news of a grandchild's impending arrival couldn't be happier. The thought of a new baby in the family is enough to send us into a dizzying array of emotions, ranging from joy, anticipation, and satisfaction to anxiety, sadness, and uncertainty. Like other major events in our lives, no single emotion fits the bill. How could it? The arrival of a grandchild signals the beginning of a new generation in a family. We are growing older. Life no longer stretches endlessly ahead of us. It is the price we pay for the joy of becoming grandparents. And it's a bargain.
Grandparents today are very different from grandparents of only a generation ago. We are generally healthier, busier, and more likely to still be working when our first grandchild arrives. As a result, our role as grandparent can vary greatly. There are so many different ways to be involved in our grandchildren's (and children's) lives. It's up to us to choose the ones we are most comfortable with.
If grandparents today are different, then so is everything else—approaches to childbirth and pregnancy, child-rearing practices, baby furniture, safety equipment, toys, etc. The key is to be open and flexible, which we all know is a lot harder than it sounds.
Pregnancy and Childbirth
It's a whole new world out there. Ultrasound pictures of your grandchild, parking spots for expectant mothers, exercise classes, fathers as equal partners in pregnancy, midwives, underwater births, and a host of family and friends in the delivery room. We need to prepare ourselves. Your local library or bookstore is a good place to begin catching up on the new trends in pregnancy and childbirth. Better still, borrow some books from the prospective parents. They'll be pleased you're interested. Check with your local hospital on whether they offer classes for grandparents-to-be. They're a great way to review the basics, learn about new developments in child health and safety, and meet other grandparents-to-be. However strange, and sometimes silly, this new world may seem, our role should always be positive and supportive. That's what Arthur Kornhaber ("The Grandparent Guide") says "being modern is all about. It means having a positive, flexible, energetic attitude toward understanding, learning, and personal change."
Reach Out To Your Children
Lots of things may have changed, but one thing has stayed the same. Our children still need us. Maybe it's a shoulder to lean (or cry) on, or help getting a room ready for baby, or reassurance that the changes they're going through, both physical and psychological, are normal. The nine months leading to the birth of a grandchild present special opportunities for both parents- and grandparents-to-be. It's a time when we can become closer to our own children and build a solid foundation for our relationship with our grandchildren.
Setting Boundaries
Each of us has to decide how involved we want to be in our grandchildren's lives. Are we able (and willing) to provide full- or part-time day care? Will we babysit occasionally? Do we plan to visit regularly? If we live near by, will our visits be a surprise, or will we call ahead? Will visits from our children and grandchildren be a surprise, or will they call ahead? So much depends on our work situation, health, energy level, and other commitments. We may not be able to answer all these questions before our grandchild arrives, but we should at least begin discussing them with our children. Then when the world's prettiest, handsomest, smartest, best baby ever arrives, we can always change our minds about everything.
We Are Not the Parents (Even If We Think We Should Be)
It may be tempting to compare how our children are raising our grandchildren with how we raised our children. After all, we're older and presumably wiser. What was good enough for us should be good enough for them. Tempting as that path may seem, resist the temptation to go down it. Instead, share your experience and advice only when asked for it. We can ask questions about a problem that concerns us (bed times, computer games, table manners, etc.). We can express our doubts or worries in non-threatening, non-judgmental ways. And, after all is said and done, we can acknowledge that our children always have the final word.
Spoiling: Good and Bad
Many of us look forward to having grandchildren so we can "spoil" them. Good idea or bad? Both, actually. If by spoiling we mean disregarding our children's rules about our grandchildren, overindulging them with expensive gifts, or caving in to their every demand, then spoiling is a very bad idea. If, however, by spoiling we mean giving our grandchildren unconditional love, spending as much time as we can with them, rocking them to sleep, listening and talking to them, playing games with them, then spoiling is one of the best things we can do as grandparents.
Have a Good Time!
Above all, being a grandparent is fun. We are free of the anxieties and responsibilities of actual parenting, and we are relaxed enough to ignore the small disasters that accompany small children wherever they go. We learn the world can be a different-and wonderful-place if we look at it through the eyes of our grandchildren. They will take us places we wouldn't go otherwise, show us things we have grown too jaded to notice, and make us smile and laugh more than we have in a long time. They will constantly surprise and delight us if we let them. Hopefully, we'll do the same for them.
AARP Resources
- "Grandparenting: The Joys and Challenges,"
Order this free AARP booklet dealing with the changing image and role of grandparents, the joys and challenges of grandparenting, and a list of resources grandparents can use if they need help. - Family Crystal
What comic Billy Crystal really loves is being Ella's grandpa. - Opportunities to Inspire Grandchildren …
Use some of these ideas to involve the youngsters in creative projects that are fun, educational, and challenging enough to stir their imaginations
Additional Resources
- Foundation for Grandparenting
Articles on different grandparenting roles, an online forum to share questions and concerns, and a variety of interesting personal anecdotes.
Books
Buy these books at Borders.com.
- "The Grandparent Guide: The Definitive Guide to Coping with the Challenges of Modern Grandparenting," Arthur Kornhaber, NTC Publishing Group, September 2002.
- "The 12 Rules of Grandparenting," Susan M. Kettmann, Facts on File, Inc., November 1999.
- "The Essential Grandparent: A Guide to Making a Difference," Lillian Carson, Health Communications, Inc., 1995
- "Grandparenting ABC's: A Beginner's Handbook," Eleanor Berman, Perigee Trade, August 1998
- "Tales From the Crib: When Your Children Become Parents," Stephanie Kutzen, Global Source Publishing, Inc., January 2006.
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