Sex in America
By: Susan Jacoby, July & August 2005 | Source: AARP.org | May 16, 2005
In 1964, 18-year-old Sara Martin (not her real name) visited three gynecologists in the small Illinois town where she was attending college before she found one who would prescribe the newly available birth control pill to her, an unmarried woman. "That little pill changed the sex lives of a whole generation," says Sara. "It certainly changed mine."
Fully 40 years later, another pill is recharging her sex life. Thanks to Viagra, she and her husband of two decades are able to enjoy a passionate physical relationship in spite of a chronic medical condition that made it difficult for him to function sexually. "The pill changed my thinking when I was young by making me feel I had a right to enjoy sex without the fear of pregnancy," says Sara, now a public relations consultant in Chicago. "The medication my husband is taking now means that age and illness don't have to mean the end of sex. This is not about pill popping, it's about our expectation that sex should always be a joyous and important part of life."
The Baby Boom generation famously came of age in a time when sexual mores were changing radically. And now, according to an AARP study of the sexual attitudes and practices of Americans 45 and older, the Boomers are creating a second sexual revolution—one that will change forever the way people think about sex and aging. It's a revolution in spirit and attitude about sexuality in midlife, and at its core is the assumption that health- and age-related physical problems should be treated and overcome rather than accepted as part of growing older.
Six years ago, this magazine commissioned the first nationwide sex study to focus on Americans from midlife to old age—a group largely ignored in previous sex research, from the famed Kinsey reports of the 1940s and '50s to the work of Masters and Johnson in the late 1960s and the '70s. The newest AARP study conducted in 2004 surveyed a nationally representative group of 1,682 adults ages 45 and older to measure attitudes and other factors affecting their sexuality and quality of life. This second landmark study represents the very frank viewpoints and revelations of three quarters of the 78 million Baby Boomers—men and women ages 45 to 59—as well as individuals in their 60s, 70s, 80s, and beyond.
So what's changed in the last six years? Quite a bit, actually. For one thing, the proportion of men who've tried potency-enhancing medicines, hormones, or other treatments has doubled since 1999. Not that surprising, considering the number of prescriptions and other remedies on the market for erectile dysfunction. What is surprising: the increased pleasure the men's use of these treatments is giving their female partners, no matter what their age—a finding that challenges the widely held belief that older women aren't all that welcoming of their partner's newfound ardor. Another headline: despite Baby Boomers' famous open-mindedness, they disapprove of extramarital affairs in roughly the same proportion as do members of the older generation, and they also agree with their own parents that today's popular culture puts too much emphasis on sex.
Still, much of the spirit of the "free love" generation's youthful attitude remains. Boomers feel strongly that sex is for every age, not just the young. And a large majority of both men and women in their 40s and 50s see no reason that sex should not be enjoyed by singles, the divorced, and widows and widowers. By contrast, half the women 70 and older, and 37 percent of the men in that age group, disapprove of sex outside of marriage.
The Little Pill That Could
When AARP conducted its first sex study in 1999, Viagra had been on the market less than a year, so it's not surprising that only 5 percent of men had taken it. Since then, with the availability of not only Viagra but two more recently approved drugs, Cialis and Levitra, as well as other aids for erectile dysfunction, the number of men who've tried treatments to enhance their potency has doubled—from 10 percent to 22 percent. And the majority (68 percent) of those men said the treatments have increased their sexual satisfaction.
That's no surprise to Alfred Pariser, 65, a management consultant in Rancho Mirage, California, who began taking Viagra after undergoing prostate cancer surgery nine years ago. In fact, Pariser was among the first group of 1,500 men to take the drug in a clinical trial. "Why wouldn't you want to try these drugs?" asks Pariser. "Why should people be embarrassed to talk about it? One of the biggest myths is that men are taking these medications only to have sex with younger women. I love and desire my wife, Cheryl. And I certainly wasn't ready to stop having sex in my 50s."
Pariser also scoffs at the idea that sex isn't romantic if it has to be preceded by popping a pill. "What definitely isn't romantic is not being able to experience sexual intimacy ever, which is where I'd be if this had happened to me 20 years ago."
But the real news is the pleasure these mighty little pills and other aids give the female partners of the men who take them. Women in all age groups reported that their own sexual satisfaction was enhanced by their partners' use of the drugs. Not only that, some reported that the various medications also increased the frequency of sex.
Jennifer Berman, M.D., a leading researcher and director of female urology and female sexual medicine at the Rodeo Drive Women's Health Center in Beverly Hills, says the idea that "older women are just happy to be done with sex" is based on cultural stereotypes that equate women's sexual desire—and desirability—with a youthful body. "Certainly I see women of all ages who've lost desire," says Berman. "The reasons are complicated. But for every woman who says to me, 'My husband wants sex and I'm not interested,' there's a woman who says, 'I want sex and my husband isn't interested.' This woman can be 30 or she can be 70."
The one thing that most of these potency-enhancing drugs can't do is create desire. That could be one reason that 42 percent of the men who tried them in the past stopped using them. About half who quit said the treatments just didn't work. Michael Kimmel, Ph.D., a sociology professor at the State University of New York at Stony Brook and editor of the journal Men and Masculinities, points out another reason the drugs like Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra don't work for every man: they have no impact on emotional problems that may be affecting sexual functioning. "These drugs act only on the body, not on the mind and heart," he says.
Racy Relationships
For Boomer men and women, a spicier sex life often means experimenting with activities that convey a whiff of the forbidden. The men and women in the AARP study were frank about some of the ones they favor. Phone sex with a spouse or intimate partner and the exchange of erotic notes and e-mails are popular among the 45-to-49 age group. Seventeen percent of the men and 18 percent of the women in this age group admitted to talking dirty on the phone; 22 percent of men and women said they've penned erotic notes or exchanged sexy e-mails.
Another finding: slightly more than a quarter of men and 21 percent of women in the 45-to-49 age group confessed to having had sex in a public place, and 11 percent of both men and women in the 50-to-69 age group also fessed up. Few of the 70-plus group admitted to ever taking part in any of these activities.
But when it comes to such activities as "swinging" and any form of extramarital sex without a partner's consent, the Baby Boomers are just as traditional in their values as their elders. The majority (more than 95 percent) reported they just wouldn't do these things. There's no real contradiction between the more open Boomer attitudes about sexuality and the group's adherence to traditional ideals of sexual fidelity. "If you're having an extramarital affair," Kimmel notes, "you're breaking your marriage vows. But doing different things with your partner can be a welcome enhancement for a couple's sex life."
But what happens when individuals aren't in a relationship? Women, in particular, are bringing a whole new meaning to the term "do it yourself." According to the AARP study, more of them—nearly a third more than five years ago—said they masturbated at least once in the last six months. Nearly half of women in the 45-to-49 age range reported doing so. And 20 percent of women 70 and older said they masturbated. Just as important to understanding contemporary attitudes is this response: a majority of all women—even those 70-plus—told AARP that self-stimulation is an important part of sexual pleasure at any age.
Julia Cantwell (not her real name), 75, a retired social worker who lives in Kansas City, Missouri, believes it's important for women to feel more comfortable about masturbating "because your life as a sensual being, able to have sexual pleasure, doesn't have to end if you don't have a man. I think younger women are learning that much, much earlier than my generation did. It bodes well for them when they reach my age."
For men, however, masturbation doesn't seem to be a highly charged issue. About 6 in 10 of all men 45-plus said they masturbated at least once in the last six months, and the proportion hasn't changed significantly since our last survey in 1999. Some other findings: younger men masturbate more often than older men do. And, no surprise, more unmarried men (73 percent) masturbate than do married men (51 percent).
Importance of Sex
While a majority (56 percent) of those individuals 45 and older agreed that a satisfying sexual relationship is important to one's quality of life, for most it wasn't the number one priority. Good spirits, good health, close ties with friends and family, financial security, spiritual well-being, and a good relationship with a partner were all rated as more important than a fulfilling sexual connection.
Not surprisingly, men place a higher value on sex than women do: 66 percent of men, compared with 48 percent of women, said that satisfying sex is important to their quality of life. This gender split changes, however, with age. In the 45-to-49 group, men and women place almost equal (and high) importance on sex. By age 60, though, the gender gap becomes a chasm: 62 percent of men, but only 27 percent of women, place a high priority on a satisfying sexual relationship.
Such findings may be misleading, argues Helen Gurley Brown, 83, the legendary former editor of Cosmopolitan magazine and the author of the 1962 classic Sex and the Single Girl (recently reissued in paperback). "So many older women lack partners," she observes, "that they may just be making the best of a bad situation in saying that sex isn't all that important to them."
Having a partner doesn't guarantee happiness, however. The study found that nearly one third of men and women with partners ranked their sex life somewhere between "yawn" and "bloody awful." They didn't actually say they're bored, but they checked the box marked "neither satisfied nor dissatisfied." Which means "you're probably having a boring time in bed," says John E. Morley, M.D., director of geriatric medicine at St. Louis University.
On a more positive note, a majority (63 percent) of men and women with partners described themselves as either "extremely satisfied" or "somewhat satisfied" with their sex lives. And when all is said and done, it seems that having a mediocre sex partner is better than having no partner at all. Almost 40 percent of men without regular sex partners and 15 percent of women without regular sex partners rated their sex lives at the bottom of the satisfaction scale.
Nonie Prince, a retired California high school teacher who describes herself as "75 going on 50," loves her life. But Prince, who walks six miles four times a week, skis, and bikes, says she's had trouble finding a man over 65 who's not looking for "a nurse with a purse." As an African American woman, she would prefer to have a relationship with a black man, but at this point, she says, she's "gotten to the place that if a man can see, has good teeth, and can hear, understand, and listen to me express myself...I don't care what color he is." She asks wistfully, "What can we women do to enlighten these men to the tenderness and love we older ladies are still able to give?"
True Romance
The tenderness Prince speaks of may indeed be the best sexual enhancer of all. When asked to describe their partners, both men and women singled out qualities that go beyond sex. Three quarters of those with a regular sexual partner said that their partner "loves me deeply" and "is my best friend."
What may be even more significant is that the older the men and women were, the more likely they were to say that their partner makes them feel important. "Why shouldn't that be true?" asks Annette R. Lyons, Ph.D., a 75-year-old New York psychologist whose own husband is in his 90s. "The person you love is more important and more precious to you as you get older. And part of that love is the fact that you've negotiated differences, including the different things men and women need to fully experience the joy that sex can bring."
This ability to negotiate age-related sexual problems, in fact, may be a key to a strong overall relationship. "When people say they can't have sex because they have a bad back, or arthritis, or all of the things that can affect our bodies as we get older," says Helen Gurley Brown, "I think what they're really saying is they're looking for an excuse not to have sex. When you care, you find that there are all sorts of ways to express sensuality."
That's what Sara found even before Viagra restored her husband's capacity for erection and orgasm. "One of the memories I most cherish," she says, "is that even when my husband couldn't have intercourse, he still held and kissed me and touched me in ways that satisfied me sexually. It wasn't all about him; it was about us. And now I'm thrilled to be able to give that back to him."
New York writer Susan Jacoby also wrote our article about AARP's first sex survey in 1999.
Additional Related Links
Poll: Cast Your Vote on The Hot Fifty
Watch AARP's Hugh Delahanty and Sallie Foley Discuss Sex at 50+ on the CBS Early Show
Read the Former Surgeon General's Statement on the AARP Sex Study (PDF)
Looking Back: The 1999 Modern Maturity/AARP Sex Survey
Lust and Found: Hot New Sex Drugs
Web Exclusive: Alternatives to Sex Drugs
Four Famous Couples Share Secrets of a 50-Year Marriage
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