Modern Love
By: Sallie Foley Source: AARP.org Date Posted: 2007-08-20 18:07:27.461606-04:00
By Sally Foley, M.S.W., March & April 2005
Q: I've been widowed six years and am thinking of joining a matchmaking service that claims thousands of members. A $1,700 fee will give me introductions for three years. Should I sign up? —Alice L., Clearwater, Florida
I've worked with many people who have used these introduction services, and most are disappointed. This is a blind date, no matter how members are screened or paired. It's a bit like mining for gold in California—and, in my experience, for most people it doesn't pan out. Unless you know two people who've used this service, I would pass. If you're undaunted, ask how many men in their database want to meet a woman your age. They may have 10,000 men, but that means little if most are seeking young women.
Before you go the matchmaking route, I'd first try a less costly dating site, such as Match.com or eHarmony.com (see the Abbreviated Guide to Matchmaking Services and the Personal Ad Maker tool). Better still is to join a club of like-minded individuals. Forgive me for playing to stereotypes, but think of interests you have that men are likely to share. For example, political groups, biking clubs, and land-preservation organizations are all male magnets. (Knitting clubs will probably not be fertile ground for you.) If you have a tomboy streak and love model rockets or railroad trains, you're set.
Q: My girlfriend wants me to use condoms, but the loss of sensitivity makes sex less satisfying. I've argued that if we're only with each other, we wouldn't be at risk. What do you say? —Archibald L., Detroit, Michigan
It's amazing how many things the 50-and-older crowd has in common with the twentysomething set. Spotty cell phone service, dating challenges, and a denial about sexually transmitted infections (STIs), to name three. There is no age at which you can't contract HIV, herpes, gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, hepatitis B, and other diseases from unprotected (condom-free) sexual behavior. And infections can remain silent for decades. Ignoring these factors is one reason people 50 and older account for 11 percent of AIDS cases in the U.S.
Your partner is smart to be concerned. Women are at greater risk, since STIs penetrate the vagina's mucous membrane more easily than skin. Women are three times more likely than men to get herpes.
For a better feel, switch to an ultrathin latex or polyurethane condom (available in pharmacies or through www.drugstore.com); these conduct heat for a more natural sensation. To increase comfort and prevent breakage, make sure you add a water-based lubricant. And consider trying the female condom (it's larger and is inserted into the vagina), which is also available at www.drugstore.com.
When can you stop using condoms? When you're both certain that you are free of STIs (and have tested negative for HIV and hepatitis), committed to monogamy, and in 100 percent agreement to forgo condoms. Then, and only then, can you go unbagged.
Sallie Foley, M.S.W., is a couples and sex therapist in Ann Arbor, Michigan, and the author of Modern Love: A No-Nonsense Guide to a Life of Passion (AARP Books/Sterling).
Additional Related Links
Abbreviated Guide to Matchmaking Services
Personal Ad Maker tool
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