Grandparents Day 2008

By: Amy Goyer | Source: AARP.org | September 2008

Recently, I took my first Salsa-dance aerobics class with my sister, Susie. Now I'm not a bad dancer, and I do exercise regularly. But let me tell you, this class is a good workout. In addition to moving constantly for an hour, I had my eyes glued to the instructor's feet as I flailed my arms about trying to create some semblance of grace. I was actually just lucky not to fall down or run into anyone. Know the feeling?

As I sweated and swiveled and tried to keep up with my classmates, I noticed one of the dancers seemed more experienced. She just had it together. It was a piece of cake for her! After the class, our instructor, Liliana, introduced that dancer as her mother, Encarnacion. Yes, this dancer was a grandmother in her 70s. At just 5 feet tall, this is one hot, spunky little granny.

Liliana said her son loves to spend time with his granny. Why? He says she is fun. She plays games with him, she tells him stories, and she listens to him. She's not the stereotypical rocking-chair granny. Seems pretty simple, huh? What's so special about that?

A friend's 10-year-old daughter recently told her mom that spending time with her aunt was O.K.—not bad. But she likes being with her grandmother better. Why? She said her grandmother is always so excited to see her, no matter what else is going on, and she just gets a good feeling when she's with her. Hmmm. So just being excited to see her is enough? What's so special about that?

I'll tell you what's so special about grandparents like these: They make their grandchildren feel important. Encarnacion plays games her grandson likes to play—and she doesn't always let him win, because she has a competitive streak, which he actually likes. She listens to him. She marvels at his talents and skills. And from my conversation with her, I could tell that she makes each of her grandchildren feel that way—all 17 of them!

And when I was talking with Encarnacion about her grandchildren, her face sparkled and lit up as bright as the hot Phoenix sun. It was clear that her grandchildren make her feel important, too.

Grandchildren also have a positive influence on grandparents' lives. In focus groups with grandparents, I've heard many grandparents say their grandchildren are the reason they quit smoking, started wearing seatbelts, began to eat more healthy meals, and even stopped swearing.

Is that the secret to a successful, fulfilling, long-lasting grandparent–grandchild relationship? Something as simple as making each other feel important? Indeed, I believe it is. And, somehow, that skipped-generation relationship between grandparent and grandchild can allow for a special, mutually-beneficial intergenerational exchange of importance.

It is estimated that there are 70 to 80 million grandparents in the United States and millions more across the globe. There are grandparents like Encarnacion, who have grandchildren nearby, so she gets to see them frequently. Then there are the long-distance grandparents, who stay in touch with grandchildren via the Internet, telephone, and a few visits a year. Grandparents share varied cultural backgrounds and traditions with their grandchildren. There are grandparents in their 30s and grandparents in their 90s. And more than 2.4 million grandparents in the United States have grandchildren living with them, children for whom they are responsible.

Grandparents come in all shapes, sizes, ages, abilities, viewpoints, lifestyles, and energy levels. Grandparenting is a stage of life that starts at age 48 for the average person and lasts the rest of their lives. And most grandparents will tell you that, despite the challenges the role often brings them, it is one of the best things that ever happened to them. The old adage, "If I knew having grandchildren would be so much fun I would have had them first!" doesn't come out of nowhere.

In the end, it really doesn't matter if you're a fiery, salsa-dancing granny, or a grandparent with a less active lifestyle. It doesn't matter if you see your grandchildren every day or once a year. It doesn't matter if you take them to Disney World or go for a walk around your backyard. What really makes the difference is how important you make each other feel. When grandparents let their grandchildren know in one way or another that they are special and deserve their full attention, grandchildren seem to pick up on that. In turn, they make the grandparents feel special, too.

Parents also play a big role in the grandparent–grandchild relationship. Without the efforts of parents, grandparents and grandchildren don't have the opportunity to spend time together and build a connection. Whatever the relationship between the parent and the grandparents, it is usually in the best interests of the child to have a connection with grandparents—if only to let them know that one more loving adult thinks they are important.

This year, National Grandparents Day is Sept. 7. As I thought about this significant, but unfortunately little-known, national holiday approaching, I realized that it's not just a day for grandparents. It's a day for grandchildren—and for parents, too. It's a day to celebrate this unique and special intergenerational relationship. A time for grandparents to tell grandchildren how important and special they are, and for grandchildren and parents to appreciate and let them know what an important role they play. Maybe it should just be called Grand Day—for grandparents and grandchildren.

As you celebrate grandparents and grandchildren this month – I'd love to hear how you make your grandchildren feel important, or how your grandchildren let you know you are important—or how important your parents are as grandparents to your children. Add your comments below.

In the meantime, I'm going to practice my Salsa aerobics so I can keep up with Encarnacion next time.

Tips for Celebrating Grandparents and Grandchildren:

• Make them feel special. Think about what makes the grandparents and grandchildren in your family really feel special. What do they enjoy the most? It may be as simple as a phone call, watching a movie, or sharing a meal together. Or it may require a bit more planning—taking a trip to a favorite destination together. Whatever you do, make it significant to them.
• Write a letter to your grandparents. Tell tell them how much you appreciate them. Telling them in person or on the phone is good, too, but a letter is something they can keep and go back to again and again.
  
• Give a phone card that covers the cost of telephone calls to keep in touch. A phone call from Grandma and Grandpa on the day of a big game, a test or another important event in a grandchild's life can let them know they are important. And a phone call from grandchildren to say hello to grandparents is a special treat at any age.
• Help grandchildren make a series of cards for grandparents. Get the cards ready and into stamped envelopes, and mail them once a week or once a month to facilitate ongoing interaction.
• Create a memory book, memoir, scrapbook or family history. This is a great way to capture grandparent's lives for grandchildren to keep. Taking time to do this ensures that your grandchildren will always have a record of your family history or stories. There are many books on this purpose you can buy, or look for a Web site that offers a format and questions to ask.
• Plan a family game night. Gather the whole family and play games that all generations can enjoy together. From throwing horseshoes to board games to video games like the Wii system, there are many games that are fun and encourage interaction. The best memories are made when laughing and having fun.
• Sign up for online interactive games. There are many sites now on which grandparents and grandchildren can "virtually" meet and play games together. With the Web, even game players don't have to be in the same place!
• Take a first step. If the grandparent–grandchild relationships in your family haven't been ideal. You can begin with small steps, such as a phone call, or sharing a meal.

Known for her expertise on family issues, Amy Goyer heads the AARP Foundation’s Grandparenting Program.