Long Distance Grandparenting
Many of us welcome grandchildren as one of life's great gifts. But not having your grandchildren close by can be a real hardship. It can be doubly difficult if we're also missing our own children.
In some ways, being a grandparent makes us more observant than we were as a parent. We have lived longer. We may have even more respect for the wonder of a baby's first words, its squeals of delight, and its first awkward steps.
Fortunately, most of our grandchildren's parents want their mothers and fathers to have a strong relationship with their grandchildren. Our own children can help us create strong connections. We may be thousands of miles away, but we can still be wonderful grandparents!
From the start, it's a good idea to let your own children know the pleasure their child adds to your life. They know you are very special. You probably care about their children as much as they do. Ask them to help you find ways to be a very involved long-distance grandparent. It's also helpful to give the parents of your grandchildren constant encouragement and support. You know from experience that being a parent is a hard job.
Grandparenting is both fun and very serious. It's fun because children love to play and laugh. It's serious because we worry about our grandchildren. We want them to be safe and happy. We may also want to share our values, our knowledge, and our family's history with them.
Long distance grandparents need to be creative. We have to capture our grandchildren's attention, in serious ways, in fun ways. Accomplishing this takes a bit of planning.
Building the Relationship by Stages
When your grandchildren are infants, you will want the parents to overwhelm you with pictures. If pictures are worth a thousand words, it is especially true for long distance grandparents. Ask the parents to send pictures frequently. If possible, you will want to see your new grandchild in person while he or she is still an infant. You know that when you hold that infant, it will pierce your heart and remain there forever.
Once your grandchild is a toddler, you can find ways to develop a direct and lifelong connection with that child. Toddlers begin to develop their own relationships. They recognize people. They laugh out loud if someone amuses them. They start to talk. They are little social beings.
Toddlers love telephones. They love to hear voices on the other end of the line. Why not make it your voice as often as possible? You might ask the parents to show your grandchild a recent picture of you as you talk to your grandchild on the phone. Soon your grandchild will make the connection. Picture frames that also hold a taped message are now available.
Continue the calls as your grandchildren grow. You may still be talking with your grandchildren frequently by phone when they become parents themselves! You can send your grandchildren a calling card (though they are more expensive than using home phones) so that they can call you. Fortunately, great long distance rates are widely available for traditional and cell phones.
Young children fall in love with a cartoon character, a special doll, a truck. Consider sending your grandchild a picture, a book or a card that features that character, doll or truck. The real secret is to see each grandchild as the unique individual he or she is. Encourage and support the child's special qualities every way you can.
As they grow and develop, continue to seek out the child's interests. Children of every age love to receive the kind of attention that tells them that you understand and support them.
How do you do that from a distance? You will be benefiting your grandchildren, and your relationship with them, if you encourage their interest in books. Before they can read, you can tape record some of the great children's stories. If you kept or remember any of your children's favorites, tape those. Or you can buy a book, make a tape of you reading it, and send both the tape and the book as a special gift.
As they get older and you read to them during visits, tape these exchanges as well. Your grandchildren will look back and treasure hearing their own young voices and those of grandma and grandpa.
Pre-teens and teenagers can be a challenge. Their world is broadening to include friends, school and many activities. You can enter their universe by showing your great interest in their friends, their preferences in music, their attitudes about school. You'll need to be tactful and patient, of course. Teenagers tend to be more interested in their friends. They may temporarily view their families unfavorably. This stage, fortunately, will not last too long.
Be Hip - Use Technology to Connect
Use e-mail. Children are fascinated with computers and love email. Pre-teens and teenagers often communicate by e-mail, even with friends who live nearby. They will consider you a very modern grandparent if you keep up with their lives by e-mail.
Digital cameras make it ever so easy to send photos by e-mail. Some parents now post pictures on a family web site or have negatives made into CDs for slipping into a computer.
Sending and receiving e-mail has one great advantage over phoning. You can read and respond to it on your own schedule. If you phone your grandchildren frequently, it's a good idea to schedule a routine time. Our own children will be much happier if we set up a time that fits their hectic schedules. As your grandchildren get older, you will want to ask to speak to each grandchild separately. They will love to answer questions about school or hobbies and activities. But you will want to make sure that you are flexible. We all need to pay attention to the needs and desires of very busy parents!
You can also share your family history with your grandchildren by computer, tape recorder or mail. Selma Wassermann, in 'The Long Distance Grandmother,' suggests that grandchildren might respond to family stories by the time they are six to eight years old. Your grandchildren will love having these stories to give to their grandchildren!
The Old-Fashioned Way
If you don't have access to e-mail, send cards and letters as soon as your grandchild can open them. Even if you do use e-mail, it's a good idea to still send cards and letters the old-fashioned way, or by snail mail, for special occasions. Getting their own mail is a thrill for children.
Visits and Vacations
Most important, you want to see your grandchildren as often as possible. The parents are crucial to decisions about visits. For parents and grandparents, visits can be wonderful, emotional and exhausting. You will need to be certain that the timing of visits suits all involved.
Visits will also have some disappointments. You may be disturbed when young grandchildren cling to mom or dad. They probably will. You may feel twinges (maybe strong ones!) of jealousy of grandparents who live near by. We are all human and deal constantly with conflicting emotions. As grandparents, we sometimes need to swallow hard. But, oh, is it worth it!
Nurture these relationships and we are rewarded with joy and delight. And we know we have given the best we can give - our love and support.
AARP Resources
Grandparenting: The Joys and Challenges
This AARP publication provides information and resources for
today's grandparents.
Traveling with
Grandchildren
It's great fun to go on trips with grandchildren, if you take
the time to plan.
Affordable Fun for Grandkids: St. Louis
Trips with the grandkids don't all have to be theme parks.
While about St. Louis, this story gives you ideas of what might
be available in lots of cities.
How to be the Greatest Grandparent Ever
Fascinating ideas from world experts - from a champion race car
driver to a circus animal trainer.
Additional Resources
Long
Distance Grandparenting
The Foundation for Grandparenting offers ideas for grandparenting
from a distance.
Tips for Staying
in Touch
Monthly tips from cyberparent.com for staying in touch with both
younger and older grandchildren.
Books
Find these books online at Barnes & Noble.com
" The Long Distance Grandmother: How to Stay Close to Distant Grandchildren", Selma Wasserman, Hartley & Marks, 2001
" The Essential Grandparent: A Guide to Making a Difference", Dr. Lillian Carson, Health Communications Inc, 1995
" The Nanas and the Papas: A Boomers' Guide to Grandparenting", Kathryn and Allan Zullo, Andrews McMeel Publishing, 1998
