Adopted Grandchildren
By Dr. Arthur Kornhaber
Has your child adopted a child? This is not unusual today. There are more than 120,000 reported adoptions in the United States each year.
What is it like to be the grandparent of an adopted child? In many ways, it is just like being the grandparent of a biological grandchild. There are plenty of rewards-including the chance to love and be loved by a child. But you and the adoptive family will also face many twists and turns along the way.
I have interviewed hundreds of grandparents of adopted children. They taught me three things that adoptive grandparents need to do for the good of their families:
- Understand yourself. Pay attention to your own feelings about being an adoptive grandparent.
- Understand the parents. Be compassionate, helpful and supportive.
- Understand your adopted grandchild. Be there for the child. Pay attention to what he or she is going through.
Understanding Yourself
You will be so excited when you meet your new grandchild! But there will also be some bumps in the road. You and your adopted grandchild will need to get used to one another. At first, you may feel ill-at-ease when you spend time with the child. Don't worry about this. The more time you spend together, the more comfortable you will both feel. Remember, every baby brings its own love.
Other feelings may not pass so quickly, however. It may bother you that the child is not related to you by blood. It may feel strange to have a grandchild who has a racial or religious background that is different from your own. The child may be dealing with physical or emotional issues that you don't fully understand.
Try to be aware of what you are feeling and why. Then go to work to resolve any problems or conflicts. Do this before these problems disrupt your family's life. You may have to change your way of looking at certain things. This won't be easy. But it may be the only way you will be able to fully accept and love your new grandchild.
Understanding the Parents
Your role as an adoptive grandparent starts before the child arrives. That's when your family needs your support the most. First, try to find out why your child and his partner decided to adopt. This will help you better understand what they are feeling.
Is the couple adopting because they can't have a child of their own? If so, they have probably been going through a stressful time for months or even years. They are disappointed and frustrated. Deciding to adopt a child has been hard for them. They need your comfort and support as they go through the adoption process.
Is your child adopting because she is single or gay? You may have trouble accepting the life choices that your daughter has made. But don't let your point of view prevent you from welcoming and loving your new grandchild. This family needs even more support than a traditional family does.
Understanding the Child
Being adopted is not easy. Your grandchild will have many questions and emotional issues to work out as he grows up. These children feel insecure. They want to know where they came from. They wonder about how they fit into your family. They worry about whether their adoptive parents love them. They may go out of their way to test that love. This will be true no matter how loving and caring your family is. Studies show that it's better to tell children that they have been adopted. However, it is imperative that families do this only when the child is ready.
Do you have other grandchildren? Make sure you offer equal amounts of love to each child. The adopted grandchild will be hurt if you treat her differently than your other grandchildren. This is especially true during the holidays. Make sure every child in your family receives a gift, including your adopted grandchild.
Remember, you are special to your adopted grandchild. She may come to you and want to talk about her concerns. Listen. Act as a sounding board. Offer a calming voice. The child will look at your relationship as a safe haven. He may have issues he can't talk about with his parents. But he does not have those issues with you. You are not his parent. But you have a connection to his parents. This is important to a child.
The Blessings of Grandparenting
Always remember that grandparenting is all about love. Be sure to support and love your grandchild's parents. Show compassion. Be understanding. Try not to judge. Open your heart and mind to the magic of your beautiful new grandchild!
About the Author
Arthur Kornhaber M.D. is a child and family psychiatrist He is one of the nation's foremost experts on grandparenting issues.
AARP Resources
- Welcome to Grandparenting
The key to being a successful modern grandparent is to be open and flexible. - Why Take a Driver Safety Class?
Will you be driving your adopted grandchild to soccer games and ballet lessons? Keep them safe. It may be time to refresh your driving skills.
Other Resources
- The Foundation for Grandparenting
The Foundation for Grandparenting web site provides information about many grandparenting issues. - For Adoptive Parents
The National Adoption Information Clearinghouse in the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services offers a host of articles to help adoptive parents nurture their children. - Helpful Tips for the Adoptive Grandparent
A social worker and adoptee suggests some actions that grandparents can take when they find out they are part of an adoptive family.
Books
Find these books online at Barnes & Noble.com
- "The Grandparent Guide," Arthur Kornhaber, NTC Publishing Group, September 2002
- "Born in our Hearts: Stories of Adoption," Filis Casey, Health Communications, Incorporated, June 2004
- "Raising Adopted Children: Practical Reassuring Advice for Every Adoptive Parent," Lois Ruskai Melina, HarperCollins Publishers, June 1998
