Creating a Family Childcare Agreement
Many grandparents who provide daily childcare for grandchildren say they get a lot more from the arrangement than they give. They’re able to enjoy a strong relationship with their grandchildren and to become an important part of their lives. They’re able to help their adult children—and to feel appreciated for the important role they play in the family. Some grandparents even find that caring for grandkids for a portion of each day makes them feel younger than they’ve felt in years.
Sound like a job made in heaven? It often starts out that way. But even the most ideal childcare arrangement can go sour if grandparents and parents aren’t careful. Without honest, open, and constant communication, the most enthusiastic grandparent caregiver could come to regret saying “yes” to childcare. The most grateful parents could begin to make unreasonable demands. And the cutest grandchild could become too much for a grandparent to handle.
There’s one good way to avoid a childcare meltdown. Hold a family meeting before childcare begins. Bring up all the issues—big and small—that concern you. Make sure your adult children do the same. Be open and honest. Compromise. Negotiate. Come to an agreement about how your childcare arrangement will work. Put that agreement in writing. Then revisit that agreement from time to time. Revise it whenever necessary.
What issues should you discuss at your family meeting? That will depend on you. Here are some suggestions to get you started.
Questions You Should Ask Your Adult Children
- When and where? No detail is too small for the childcare agreement. When would you begin babysitting each day? When would parents return from work? What happens when parents are late? Can you take days off? Would there be a backup babysitter? Would you provide care at your own home or the child’s home? Feel free to negotiate these and other terms. Don’t be shy about stating your preferences.
- Can we try it out for a while? Not sure if you’ll have energy for an infant? Afraid you might miss your friends and social activities? Try out the childcare arrangement for a month or two and see how you like it. Don’t commit yourself to childcare until the end of that period.
- How about part-time? Don’t want to tie yourself down every day of the week? Maybe you could watch your grandchildren three days a week. This would give them the benefit of a relative’s care. But it would also let you have some time for yourself. On the other two days, care could be provided by a paid childcare professional, or a parent who has a flexible work schedule.
- What’s the job description? Make a list of the extra tasks you’re willing to do in addition to providing childcare—and the ones you’d rather not tackle. You may not want to do laundry, feed pets or cook meals. Voice your preferences early so there’s no misunderstanding.
- Can we still be family? Your relationship with your adult children may change when you start caring for their children. Are you concerned about this? Bring it up. Remind your adult children that you still want to spend time together as a family.
- What’s my salary? About 20 percent of grandparent childcare providers get paid for their services. If you need the money, don’t be afraid to ask for it.
Questions Your Adult Children Will Want to Ask You
- Will you do it our way? Your job as a childcare provider is to do things the way your adult children want them done. You’ll need to follow their direction regarding such things as how the children will be disciplined, what food the children will eat, how toilet training will be handled, and when the baby will nap. You’ll also have to be open to some constructive criticism when your adult children don’t agree with your child-rearing methods. Can you live with this? If not, childcare may not be for you.
- Will our children be safe? Are you providing childcare in your own home? Your adult children will want you to childproof the rooms where your grandchildren will spend their time. Parents will insist that you use an approved child safety seat in your car. They may not want you to run errands when the children are with you. They may ask you not to smoke around the children. Consider each request. Try to be flexible. And if you can’t meet their expectations, say so up front.
- Can you learn new tricks? Your adult children may be concerned that your parenting skills are not quite up to date. You can’t really blame them. They’ve read all the latest child-rearing books, and you haven’t taken care of kids in 20 years. Don’t be offended if they ask you to take a parenting class or to read a new parenting book. These resources can help you feel more confident when you’re on the job, and can help you understand your children’s requests regarding safety, diet, and other child-rearing issues.
Don’t Stop Talking
As you can see, it’s important to have a family meeting before your childcare arrangement starts. The agreement you develop at this meeting will help you and your adult children work together to nurture your grandchildren. But one meeting isn’t enough. Make plans to sit down at least once a month to talk over issues that come up. During the month, take note of things that are going well, and things that should be improved. Evaluate how you’re feeling about being a grandparent childcare provider. Ask your adult children to do the same.
Most important, always be on the lookout for ways to make things better. You owe it to yourself, to your adult children, and—most important—to your grandchildren.
AARP Resources
Generation Me
Learn more about how your adult children think.
A Grandparent’s Role in the Family
Having grandchildren changes your role in the family.
Grandparents and Child Development
Knowing about the stages of child development helps grandparents identify developmental problems others may miss.
Keep Active for a Longer, Healthier Life
Need energy to keep up with grandchildren? Here are some tips for getting in shape.
Other Resources
Childcare: Grandparents and Relatives
The pros and cons of having relatives provide childcare.
All in the Family
Tips on keeping the childcare arrangement running smoothly.
Relative Care: Setting Ground Rules
The key to a successful childcare arrangement is setting ground rules up front.
Books
“From Grandma to You: Childcare Wisdom for a New Generation”
Joan Hellstrom, Susan Findlay, and Connie Ray, Sterling Publishing Company, Incorporated, January 2006
“First Three Months: America's Foremost Baby and Childcare Experts Answer the Most Frequently Asked Questions”
Martha Sears and Deborah Baker (Editor), Little, Brown & Company, August 2001
“Happiest Baby on the Block: The New Way to Calm Crying and Help Your Newborn Baby Sleep Longer”
Harvey Karp, Bantam Books, May 2003
“Happiest Toddler on the Block: The New Way to Stop the Daily Battle of Wills and Raise a Secure and Well-Behaved One- to Four-Year-Old”
Harvey Karp, Paula Spencer, Bantam Books, May 2005
“Caring for Your Baby and Young Child: Birth to Age Five”
Steven P. Shelov (Editor), Richard Trubo, Robert E. Hanneman (Editor), Bantam Books, June 2004
