Top 50 Funniest Baseball Quotes

by: Betsy Towner, from: AARP Bulletin, Updated March 30, 2012

26. Alan Sutton Sothoron pitched his initials off today. — Anonymous, St. Louis newspaper

27. All I remember about my wedding day in 1967 is that the Cubs lost a doubleheader. — George F. Will

28. Never root for a team whose uniforms have elastic stretch waistbands. — Susan Sarandon

29. There ain't much to being a ballplayer, if you're a ballplayer. — Honus Wagner

30. Us ballplayers do things backward. First we play, then we retire and go to work. — Charlie Gehringer

31. The funny thing about these uniforms is that you hang them in the closet and they get smaller and smaller. — Curt Flood

32. Sure I played, did you think I was born age 70 sitting in a dugout trying to manage guys like you? — Casey Stengel, to Mickey Mantle

33. When you start the game, they don't say "Work ball!" They say "Play ball!" — Willie Stargell

34. There are two theories on hitting the knuckleball. Unfortunately, neither one of them works. — Charlie Lau

35. The way to catch a knuckleball is to wait until the ball stops rolling and then to pick it up. — Bob Uecker

36. Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time? — Yogi Berra

37. The majority of American males put themselves to sleep by striking out the batting order of the New York Yankees. — James Thurber

38. A hot dog at the game beats roast beef at the Ritz. — Humphrey Bogart

39. He's the strangest hitter in baseball. Figure him out one way and he'll kill you another. — Sandy Koufax on Roberto Clemente

40. As a nation we are dedicated to keeping physically fit — and parking as close to the stadium as possible. — Bill Vaughan

41. Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting. — Yogi Berra

42. A man once told me to walk with the Lord. I'd rather walk with the bases loaded. — Ken Singleton

43. I'd be willing to bet you, if I was a betting man, that I have never bet on baseball. — Pete Rose

44. Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets. — Yogi Berra

45. Lasorda's standard reply when some new kid would ask directions to the whirlpool was to tell him to stick his foot in the toilet and flush it. — Steve Garvey

46. If you don't succeed at first, try pitching. — Jack Harshman

47. The Hall of Fame is for baseball people. Heaven is for good people. — Jim Dwyer

48. So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face. — Yogi Berra

49. He looks like a greyhound, but he runs like a bus. — George Brett on third baseman Jamie Quirk

50. The baseball mania has run its course. It has no future as a professional endeavor. — Cincinnati Gazette editorial, 1879

Source: Baseball’s Greatest Quotations: An Illustrated Treasury of Baseball Quotations and Historical Lore, by Paul Dickson, HarperCollins, 2008.

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