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Avoiding marriage conflicts when you stop working

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En español  |  Talk, talk, talk to each other. That's what every financial planner tells me couples need to do when retirement first springs to mind. Single people have to think only about themselves when making plans. Couples, however, make a dual decision. Are you both ready for retirement? If so, what next? If one of you wants to keep working, how will you handle the new relationship?

Spouses often assume they both see retirement the same way, but that's not necessarily so. When they start to talk, one might be surprised — pleasantly or otherwise — by what the other thinks.

For example, a husband might expect his working wife to retire when he does, when in fact she's not ready to quit her job. A wife at home might think her husband should work a little longer, to accumulate more savings. They might have different dreams about where and how to live. "We have had clients say to each other that they had no idea that that is what the other wanted to do, and not so nicely," says planner Marc Roland of San Diego. (Roland, like all the experts quoted here, belongs to the National Association of Personal Financial Advisors.)

Planner Jamie Milne of St. Johnsbury, Vt., is helping a couple, both 62, with different feelings about work and risk. The husband wants to retire. The wife wants to work for four more years but worries that, if something goes wrong financially, she'll be forced to bring in a paycheck for even longer than that. As she sees it, he's taking her options away.

Some retirements are driven by a bad workplace situation. Planner Mary Lacey Gibson of San Juan Bautista, Calif., had a client, 59, who hated her job. At a meeting in Gibson's office, she asked if she could retire. It meant that her husband would have to work three extra years — and he instantly agreed. Gibson says the wife gave "the first real smile" she'd seen.

Issues with retiring at different times.

Spouses often assume they both see retirement the same way, but that's not necessarily so. — Corbis

If you want to retire early, however, planner Andy Tilp of Sherwood, Ore., has a cautionary question: "What will you do next?" You might not have fully considered this point, he says. There are many hours and days to fill, especially if your spouse is still working. Are you planning a second career? Full-time grandchildren or golf? Part-time volunteer? Continuing education? Women are more likely than men to have a web of friendships that will keep their lives busy and interesting.

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In Week 1 of AARP's online retreat, 5 Weeks to a New Life, discover the technique the world's leading marriage counselors use to get couples to open up and talk candidly without getting into fights.

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