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When I was a kid on Long Island, my first memories of grass cutting were pushing one of those reel mowers around the 1/8 acre.... which seemed like a huge yard at the time.  THAT was work!  A few years later we got a 'lawn mower' - a tempermental gas-powered monster.  It never wanted to start and I dreaded having to go out and cut the grass.

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When I moved to upstate NY I had about an acre or two to cut.  The previous owners had left an old push mower there.  That one started but there was another problem.  One of the rear wheels was kinda iffy.  To make matters worse, the house sat up on a hill.  One day, while going back and forth on the hill, that wheel decided to come off.  I kept going. I hoisted it off the ground in the back and pushed on! Sheer stubborness and determination (and throw in a bit of stupidity!) kept me going.  Also was the fact that I didn't want my new country neighbors to see how wimpy I was.

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I mowed like this for weeks. It was now about July and somewhere around 90 degrees.  I was struggling across the lawn wondering WHY in the hell I was doing this?  "I'm NOT gettin'  a-n-y   younger...  I'm gonna bang a heart attack!" I thought. 

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I went into the house, got my car keys and drove the 8 miles to town to the Sears store where I ordered a tractor.

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My roomate at the time - of course being male, was subjected to the strict instruction of lawn mowing by his father when he was young.  He HAD to do it right;  all the lines had to be straight and everything must be perfect.  My Mom, on the other hand, was just glad to get either my sister or myself to even MOW the grass!

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Kenny couldn't wait to get on the tractor.  I was happy to oblige.  Go for it!  I watched from the wraparound porch, glancing across the road to my neighbor's house, waving to my elderly neighbors sitting on the porch.

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The time finally came when it was my turn to mount the beast and tame the wild wooly yard.  "Oh, this should be easy... all I have to do is ride."  I chuckled.  Yeah - riiiiiiiight!

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I started out OK; just went around and around on the perimiter of the yard.  I remembered Kenny's instructions about mowing on the hills.  God knows I didn't want to totally embarrass myself by tumbling ass-over-teakettle down the side yard in full view of Gertrude, Albert and Don sitting on the porch across the road!  (everything us 'city' people did was subject to close scrutinity!) Didn't want to wreck my new tractor, either!

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Somewhere along the way I lost my place.  I missed spots which was annoying.  I wanted this to be perfect, so - I did what I thought any normal person would do:  back up.  Then when I'd find another patch I'd overlooked, I'd do figure 8's.  Around the huge maple trees in the front yard I go around and around and around till I got so dizzy I thought I'd fall off the mower!  I didn't hear any guffawing from across the road so I thought I was doin' pretty good! I switched to figure 8's to finish it off.  I was doing real well... or so I thought!

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Kenny, meanwhile, unbeknownst to me - was in stitches on the porch watching me.  He didn't say anything to me right away.  Later, after looking at the yard he said:  "It looks like a BAD HAIRCUT!  A drunken blind person mowed this lawn!"

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I was SHOCKED!!!  I thought I'd perfected the art of mowing!  I was crushed!

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Years and a BIGGER LAWN later (try about 3 acres now), I still am no better..., and I don't care.  Thank God my house isn't near where anyone can actually see how I mow.  I rent out some of the 60 acres here for my farmer neighbors to mow for hay.  I keep a keen ear and eye out for tractors during hay season.  If I see one coming down the 1/2 mile drive, I abruptly shut off the tractor and go inside.  I will NOT let these 'faamahs' see me MOW!

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It has developed into a ritual for me now. I still go backwards. I still go over what I've already mowed to get to a 3" strip that I missed. When I mow around (and around and around) the huge holly tree out front, I feel like a kid on a carnival ride; going as fast as I can without throwing myself off the tractor and getting SOOOOO damned dizzy! I always - on purpose - leave spots that I've missed.  Who cares?  This isn't Better Homes and Garden!

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