"Curmudgeon’s Corner"

By

Mark Chase



@COPYRIGHT 2008





(Retiring)

Recently, a friend of mine asked me if I’d like to retire abroad. I paused for a minute and told him, "Well that would be nice except I don’t think MediCare covers sexual reassignment surgery".

...Mark Chase
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(A Shopping Thing)

"Yesterday, while shopping for groceries at a local feeding store, I ran across a clerk that worked there. She was buying coffee that neither one of us could afford. She had her daughter too and I leaned down and said, "I know your mama, she checks me out about 3 or 4 times a week".

The little girl looked at me for a moment and said," mister, why is mama checking you out when she doesn’t check Daddy out? I don’t think my Daddy is going to like that!"

"Groceries, honey, groceries! Your mama checks out my groceries! So when your mama checks out my broccoli stocks it’s just that! Broccoli!! Okay?!!"

"Well, (the little girl said) I still think my Daddy isn’t going to like that; he hates broccoli!"

"Fine!", (I exclaimed) Next week I’ll make it turnips!"..and off they went as if nothing ever happened.

..Mark Chase

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(Throwback)

While standing in line at the express checkout, a man was ranting and raving about how women just don’t want to please men today. He was quite upset because he was reading this so-called nonsense in a travel magazine.

"Take this for example! My wife keeps telling me that I should compromise well how in tarnation can I compromise when she does the exact opposite of what I tell her to do?"

I thought for a moment and just couldn’t resist. "Your Mom shaves her back doesn’t she!"

"Well sometimes! Why?"

"Oh no special reason. That magazine you were reading "MS", is an acronym for marital status neutral that applies to women. In this case, MS does not stand for Mississippi and MS is not a travel brochure!"

"Well I’ll be a monkey's uncle!; could have fooled me."

"Right" (I replied)

..Mark Chase
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(Relationships)

At a party, a friend brought up the subject of snakes along the Amazon and how dangerous they were; the South American Anaconda. I told her that I personally knew an Anna Conda, who lived in San Diego. The relationship was far too constricting!".

...Mark Chase
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(Serenity To Survive By)

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the stupidity in other people, the courage to walk away from idiots and the wisdom to recognize the face in the mirror.."

...Mark Chase
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(Soul Camera)

"When one passes on, eternity is like a polaroid camera ready to take a snapshot as the soul, or body energy, transitions. In a blink of an eye, the soul imprint is captured on the cosmic celluloid for all eternity."

...Mark Chase
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(Paradise)

"The opportunity to express my life, my soul, through whatever medium that wishes to channel that passion, is about as close to heaven as I can get, a paradiso for the middle class".

...Mark Chase
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(Skeletons)

"Beware of skeletons in your closet; sometimes they still have meat on them"

...Mark Chase
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(Some Have Nutz, Some Do Not!)

"If you believe kissing a wet amphibian will turn it into a handsome prince, well how sexist is that! Did you for one moment stop and think that the frog just might be female?

And aren’t you just jumping the gun a bit in assuming a handsome Prince might appear? How do you know he’ll be handsome? or even straight?.."

... Mark Chase
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(Life On Other Worlds?)

"...The other day, someone asked me if I believe there was life ever on the planet Mars, I paused for reflection. Well, I don’t know, there might be life there or life used to be there, then again I’ve never been to North Dakota, I rest my case."

...Mark Chase
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(Making Up Someone Else’s Mind)

"The other day at a local feeding hole, two body mass challenged individuals were debating whether they should get dessert; I had the pleasure of sitting in the next booth...Here’s what transpired.

"Oh go ahead! No! I shouldn’t. Oh go ahead! No I shouldn’t! (one more time) Oh go ahead let’s splurge! No we shouldn’t! (pause) Go ahead!" (pause)

At this time I turned around and finished the sentence for the other person. "No you shouldn’t. You really, really shouldn’t!" They got mad at me like I was the one who was indecisive."

.. Mark Chase
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(Self Help Me Please!)

"The other day, just for kicks and grins, I called one of those internet, self-help, we got our license at a reputable university-so trust us, websites. I pretended to have a variety of ailments; it went like this...

"Yes, hi am I speaking with the CureAll Web Center?( a lady answered) "Yes we’re here, what is your medical condition today sir?" (pause) Well, my prostate is the size of a small Hungarian tangerine, my hair follicles are tingling and I?m having performance issues!

"Performing what tissues? (said the lady) PERFORMANCE ISSUES!! I’m having performance issues, maybe it has to do with my Hungarian tangerine size prostate! (I so calmly said!)

"Is there something wrong with your tangerine? ( at this point I was starting to question the existence of a supreme being!)

"Yes, you got me, there is something wrong with my tangerine"

(the lady answered) "Well sir, sir! maybe you should call a produce manager for your tangerine problems. Other then that, as we get older we have problems! sir? ...sir?"

(I replied) "Thankyou so much. I am so glad I called. Your exemplary phone manners are matched by your mind which is as sharp as a steel trap!"

(The lady replied) "Sir, sir? foreign produce can be a real problem but I’m not sure what that has to do with your hair tingling?. sir? sir? are you there? sir! Sir!!! sir you there?"

"Oh whatever! No I’m not here anymore and that debit card number I gave you; it’s expired!"

...Mark Chase
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(Seeing Is Believing....But What?)

"They say, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" but what if the beholder has cataracts? "

...Mark Chase
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(Best Laid Plans)

"Some medical experts think we can continue to be sexually active well into our 70’s, 80’s even our 90’s!!! Remembering what my grandmother and grandfather looked like, nah I’ll pass."

...Mark Chase
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(Bumper Sticker)

" Friends don’t drive drunk friends to drink more then they normally do! "

...Mark Chase
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(Restaurant Motto)

"We reserve the right to serve refuse to anybody! "

...Mark Chase
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(Shadow Worlds)

".... I like to think of a parallel universe as a cosmic silhouette that outlines substantive matter. This silhouette creates a virtual shadow world that mirrors our own..."

...Mark Chase
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(Toliet Paper in the 1960’s)

Back in the 60’s, a famous national brand of TP proclaimed with an ad, "It?s too good for toliet paper!"..so when I went shopping with my mother and she just happened to buy this brand, I took the roll from her and proclaimed, "Mom, it’s too good for toliet paper"

Mom grabbed me by the shirt collar and said, " You have 3 seconds to give it back or I’ll send you to your happy place!"

"I guess it wasn’t too good afterall".

...Mark Chase
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(Broadband)

Back in 1998, a techie friend of mine asked me have I ever heard of broadband. I said, "Yes, the Go-Go’s!"

...Mark Chase
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(Cooking)

"There are two places to cook, you either choose to cook in the kitchen or choose to cook in the bedroom. Since I can feed myself, guess where that leaves you."

...Mark Chase
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(The Human Condition)

"I am not a fan of human smell, being human that sounds like a contradiction; it isn’t. I just prefer chemical smells on omni sapiens, better living through chemistry...and to those cultures that think stink is sexy, well go ahead and think that, (I’ll be politically correct) but please don’t make love to me or take off clothes in my house.

And if take off your clothes, be prepared to receive a high powered spray wash complete with highly scented detergent"

...Mark Chase
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(Life)

"Life is the consequence of doing something you probably shouldn’t have been doing in the first place!"

...Mark Chase
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(Robes)

"May all souls float towards the light of understanding. May we never attempt to steer one another away from our chosen paths. We may wear different robes but each robe shines with a uniqueness that is inherently human."

...Mark Chase
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(Stew)

"...sometimes, friendships are like the ingredients to a stew. In come the carrots, the taters, peas, chunks of beef (for non-Vegetarians)!) and good old chicken stock. Ya mix them up, simmer for a couple of years so as to blend so beautifully...then some event horizon scoops up your friends in a fit of epicurean orgasmic hunger; your friendship stew is done."

...Mark Chase
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(Suddenly, all better)

"...Imagine what would happen if cancer, leukemia, AIDS, MS, and other diseases that have plagued humankind for ions, were suddenly eradicated from the face of the Earth! I mean, who would look after Jerry’s Kids?"

...Mark Chase
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( My Worth )

"...the other night I was watching a very old, very bad horror movie. Something weird and hungry living in a mountain cave below a ski resort. (bad movie) A commercial came on reminding late night male tv watchers that a certain part of their anatomy could be enlarged by buying and taking this magic pill.

"Golly gee, shazaam!"f the product came on and my mind regressed back to when I was born...

In the early 50’s, my birth and aftercare came to around $62 dollars. (TOTAL!!!!) This particuliar product being advertised on television, cost about $20 dollars more then it set my parents back for me to be born. So moral of the story: (Don’t watch late night horror films about a hungry monster that feeds on ski bunnies who sip hot cocoa by a roaring fire!?.....NO!)

The moral of the story is, it?s nice to know my core value cost less then a medicine that claims to increase the size of a certain part of the male anatomy. My birth was a sure thing; I doubt if this male enhancement product can claim that!

...Mark Chase
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(US Women’s Swim Team)

"..I was listening to an announcer talk about the U.S. Women?s Swim Team. His observation goes as follows, " The U.S. women are dominant with 100 meter breast". (end quote) Well, I thought, that’s got to be uncomfortable!"

...Mark Chase
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(Homo Sapiens?...Not In This Bar!"

"..I have always thought the reference to humans as "homo sapiens" was rather politically incorrect. I think "Omni Sapiens" would be a bit more balanced. "Omni" meaning all or universal and "sapiens" meaning recent humans. Since most "sapiens" are sexually diverse, labelling the species with one practice is rather inhibiting don’t you think.."

...Mark Chase
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(Bottoms Up)

"...If I ever think of getting married again and I agree, "thinking about marriage" is an oxymoron, I’m going to file for divorce first that way I can work my way up. I mean, if you’ve hit bottom, there’s only one direction you can go right?"

...Mark Chase
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(MacDonald’s and Recycling)

"Recycling"... Okay, I give up..next time I journey to MacDonald’s on hamburger Wednesday...I?ll bring my own bag or dinner plate. Next time I go out to dinner.. which reminds me I haven?t gone out to dinner on a date..oh forget it!...As I was saying, next time I go out to a nice restaurant, I’ll bring my own dinner plates, silverware, etc....AND!

My own bottled water to wash my utensils, will blowdry everything, and instead of asking for a "doggie bag"...I will hand carry leftovers out of the restaurant and hand feed any homeless person I see hanging around."

...Mark Chase
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(The Never Ending Fountain)

"Inspiration", is made easier when the inspired is replenished from motivational waters that nourish from a never ending fountain."

...Mark Chase
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(On Behavior)

"when people have nothing to lose, morality is often dictated by
the lack of whatever, rather then the plenty of whatnot!"

...Mark Chase
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     "Curmudgeon’s Corner"
       
       @copyright 2008
Note* all quotes and quips are the sole property of Mark Chase. Enjoy! (MC)