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 FOR MY GIRLS,

 STILL AFTER 25 YEARS, I REMEMBER THE PHONE CALL AT 12:15 A.M, MY HUSBAND TOOK THE PHONE, SAID"WE`LL BE RIGHT THERE" AND HUNG UP.  I STARTED SCREAMING, IT`S TINA ! WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE IS SHE?   HE SAID, GET DRESSED SHE`S AT THE HOSPITAL.

WE TOOK OFF AND ABOUT 5 BLOCKS FROM THE HOUSE WE SAW WHAT WAS LEFT OF THE CAR.

I STARTED BEGGING GOD TO PLEASE LET HER BE ALRIGHT,AS WE PAST THE BURNING CAR A TERRIBLE FEAR SHOT THU ME LIKE A BOLT OF LIGHTNING. I COULD`NT SToP TALKING, I KNEW  I WAS`NT MAKING SENCE BUT I COULD`NT STOP!

WHEN WE GOT TO THE HOSPITAL THEY WERE LIFE FLIGHTING TINA TO SPOKANE. WE HAD TO DRIVE, IT WAS THE LONGEST TRIP I`VE EVER MADE, WE STILL KNEW NOTHING ABOUT HER CONDITION.

THE DR.S CAME OUT AFTER A COUPLE HOURS AND TOLD US SHE WAS PARALYZED FROM THE NECK DOWN AND BURNED OVER 79% OF HER BODY. SHE WAS IN A  COMA. WE WENT IN TO ICU TO SEE HER, MY BEAUTIFUL  DARK HAIRED, BROWN EYED CHILD LAY THERE SILENT AND BROKEN. I TOOK HER HAND, TOLD HER WE WERE THERE AND WE WOULD`NT LEAVE.  EVERY DAY FOR 21 DAYS WE WERE THERE, SLEEPING IN THE HOSPITAL, TAKING TURNS  WATCHING HER.

SHE WAS MY FLOWER CHILD, BELL BOTTOM JEANS, HER SHIRT TIED UP AROUND HER WAIST, AND NEVER IF SHE COULD HELP IT, DID SHE WEAR SHOES.  SHE HAD A MISCHIVIOUS SMILE AND LAUGHING   DARK EYES.

ON MAY 19 1983 SHE LOST HER FIGHT TO STAY,  I KEPT SCREAMING AND TELLING THE NURSES THEY WERE MISTAKEN AND TO PLEASE GO BACK AND BE SURE. MY HUSBAND TOOK ME IN HIS ARMS AND TOLD ME IT WAS TRUE, SHE JUST WAS TO TIRED TO STAY.

LIFE WAS A BLURR, I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE ,THE PAIN WAS SO INTENSE, AND THEN I WAS AFRAID I WOULD`NT DIE, I WANTED HER BACK,!  I COULD`NT STOP CRYING, I BLAMED MYSELF,. THERE MUST HAVE BEEN SOMETHING I COULD HAVE DONE ! I WENT TO BED, I COULD`NT SLEEP, WHEN I CLOSED MY EYES I SAW HER FACE. I  HAD TO REMIND MYSELF  TO BREATH . I DID ALL THE BEGGING, BARGAINING  AND ALL THE REST,

THEN MY LITTLE BOY SAID,"MOMMY YOUR NOT GOING AWAY TOO ARE YOU? HE LAID DOWN BESIDE ME, HUGGED ME AND SAID, "COME ON MOMMY, I`LL FIX YOU A PEANUT BUTTER BREAD.   WHAT A BLESSING THIS CHILD HAS BEEN.

I KNEW I HAD TO PUT MYSELF BACK TOGETHER FOR MY FAMILY ,I DID, ONE BABY STEP AT A TIME .

EVEN AFTER ALL THESE YEARS THE PAIN LINGERS, NOT AS SHARP, BUT THERE SURE IS A BIG EMPTY SPOT IN SIDE.  I STILL LOOK FOR HER IN CROWDS, I`LL HEAR A LAUGH THAT SOUNDS LIKE HER, AND I TURN TO LOOK WIHOUT THINKING .

TAMI.....

TAMI WAS TINA`S SISTER,16 MONTHS OLDER THAN TINA AND GINA [THEY WERE TWINS]

TAMI WAS MY WILD CHILD, SHE WAS ALWAYS LAUGHING, LOVED  ANIMALS, DANCING, MUSIC AND HER  SISTERS, BROTHER AND  MOM AND DAD.SHE ALWAYS SAID SHE WAS " A TOYS R US KID" `CAUSE SHE DID`NT WANT TO GROW UP. SHE LOVED CHRISTMAS AND BIRTHDAYS, SO WE ALWAYS MADE A BIG DEAL OF HER BIRTHDAY. [JULY5 1961]SHE`D OPEN HER PACKAGES AND SQUEEL WITH DELIGHT !! SHE MADE EVERYTHING FUN. SHE HAD A BEAUTIFUL SMILE AND FLASHING DARK EYES.  SHE WOULD HUG ME HARD EVERY TIME I SAW HER WHEN SHE WAS LIVING BY HERSELF, AND SAY "I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK" .    HER HAIR ALWAYS SMELLED LIKE THE FLORAL SHAMPOO SHE USED.  I STILL HAVE A BOTTLE OF IT THAT SHE LEFT BEHIND.

SHE WAS BI-POLAR, A DISEASE THAT HAS RAVAGED MY FAMILY. SHE HAD A WORTHLESS BOY FRIEND THAT TOMENTED HER WITH OTHER WOMEN. THEN THE END OF AUG. 2002 AFTER HER 41ST BIRTHDAY, SHE FOUND HIM WITH HER LITTLE BROTHERS WIFE.  THEY FOUGHT ALL DAY, WE LIVED A BLOCK AWAY  AND COULD HEAR THEM .  I WAS AFRAID FOR TAMI SO I CALLED 911.

AT 5 A.M. SHE CALLED, SHE SAID SHE WAS SORRY ABOUT THE FIGHT, I TOLD HER I WAS JUST WORRIED ABOUT HER. SHE SAID HE HAD LEFT HER, I SAID MAYBE THATS BEST. I  SAID,TAMI I  WANT SO MUCH FOR YOU TO FIND HAPPINESS, "I KNOW MQMMA, I`M SO TIRED I THINK I`LL GO TO SLEEP. MOMMA, "I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK,"SEE YA.

AT 10:00 THE NEXT MORNING, ANOTHER PHONE CALL, THAT HORRID SICK FEELING, IT WAS MY SON, HE`D GONE TO CHECK ON HER AND SHE WAS DEAD.  THEY SAID IT WAS SUICIDE, I WON`T BELIEVE IT. I PREFER TO THINK OF IT AS AN ACCIDENTAL OVERDOSE. MORE PAIN, MORE DISBELIEF,WHAT HAD I DONE OR DID`NT DO?

I THOUGHT THIS IS WRONG, THIS IS A DREAM, PLEASE LET ME WAKE UP ! BUT  I SUCKED IT UP, DID MY  CRYING IN PRIVATE, AS SOMETIMES PEOPLE STAY AWAY BECAUSE THEY ACT LIKE DEATH IS CATCHING.    I MISS HER LAUGHTER,  JOY THAT WAS HER, AND THE FEEL OF HER WARM, SOFT SKIN. I JUST MISS HER, PERIOD !

GINA,

GINA WAS TINA`S TWIN, AS LONG AS I STILL HAD HER I FELT I HAD A PIECE OF TINA LEFT.  IN 1987 GINA`S

METH ADDICTED BOYFRIEND  TURNED ON HER AND AS SHE WAS DRIVING OUT THE DRIVEWAY, HE OPENED

FIRE WITH A SEMI AUTO. ASSAULT RIFLE, SHOT16 TIMES THRU THE BACK OF THE PICK-UP AND SHOT HER IN THE BACK, PARALYZING HER FROM THE WAIST DOWN... TO SHORTEN THIS ,BECAUSE SHE LOVED HIM SHE TOLD THE JUDGE IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.  HE WAS SENTENCED TO TAKE CARE OF HER FOR 5 YEARS.

HE SAID THEY WERE GOING TO GET MARRIED.   I FOUGHT IT BUT SHE SAID "PLEASE MOM ,I LOVE HIM."

THE 5 YEARS WENT BY, SHE BELIEVED HIM UP TO THE DAY HE WALKED OUT. WHEN SHE ASKED HIM WHY?

HE SAID," HAVE YOU LOOKED AT YOURSELF LATELY? " HOW COULD ANY ONE BE SO CRUEL ?  AFTER HE LEFT SHE WENT TO BED AND WOULD`NT GET UP.  SHE AND TINA WERE VERY CLOSE, THEY WERE NEVER APART, HER DEATH  WAS A TERRIBLE SHOCK TO GINA.   AFTER TAMI DIED GINA SEEMED TO JUST GIVE UP. I TALKED TO HER EVERY DAY AND COULD TELL SHE WAS  HAVING A BREAKDOWN.  PAIN PILLS BECAME HER FRIEND, BECAUSE IT BROUGHT SLEEP.  

ON THE 28TH OF SEPT. JUST BEFOR HER 41ST BIRTHDAY,I WAS LAYING IN BED, IT WAS ABOUT 11:30 AND I FELT LIKE I NEEDED TO TALK  TO HER. I CALLED, SHE SOUNDED LIKE SHE HAD A COLD, WE TALKED A WHILE, SHE PROMISED TO CALL THE DR. IN THE MORNING. I SAID LATER, I  LOVE YOU MUCHES,  SHE SAID, THATS THE ONE THING I`M SURE OF.  LATER MOMMA.

8:30 A.M. SEPT. 29TH

THE PHONE RANG AGAIN,  IT WAS MY DAUGHTER CINDY, SHE WANTED TO TALK TO MY HUSBAND, I KNEW, I SAID ""IT`S GINA, OH GOD PLEASE NOT AGAIN "!   DID GOD SEND ME TO THE PHONE TO SAY GOODBYE THE NITE BEFORE?   I LIKE TO THINK SO.

THE DR. SAID HER HEART JUST STOPPED FROM THE STRESS, DIABETES AND SMOKING. I KNOW SHE DIED OF A BROKEN HEART.   I WENT THRU ALL THE PAIN AND BLAMING MYSELF AND MOST OF ALL ,WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE  IN MY LIFE THAT CAUSED THIS TO HAPPEN TO MY THREE GIRLS?    THE EMPTYNESS I FEEL CAN`T BE EXPLAINED, SOME TIMES THE PAIN IS OVER WHELMING . BUT YOU PLAY THE CARDS YOUR DEALT.   I`D LIKE TO HOLD HER ONE MORE TIME.  SOMETIMES IN MY DREAMS I DO.

I HAVE 5 CHILDREN LEFT, I`M SCARED ALL THE TIME,    I GO ON WITH LIFE AND FUNCTION AS I`M EXPECTED, I DON`T WANT ANY ONE TO FEEL SORRY FOR ME.  I JUST WANTED TO GET THIS ON PAPER, IT`S PROOF IN BLACK AND WHITE THAT THEY WERE  HERE ,THEY LOVED AND WERE LOVED IN RETURNED.

WHAT KEEPS ME SANE IS MY MEMORIES AND THE KNOWLEDGE THAT I WLL SEE THEM AGAIN,

GOODNITE MY LOVEY`S,  MY ANGELS,  PLEASE REMEMBER ME....

 MOMMY