I came from a very disfunctional family, after my Dad died  when I was 3,and my brothers were 2 and 6 My mother`s mental illness went totally out of controll. She felt like her world had collapsed, She loved him so very much she could`nt imagine life without him. She blamed us and would hit us and tell me to get out of her sight, that I`d ruined her life and because my Dad spent so much time with me,[his little princess] she said I stole time from her that she could have spent with him. She said She wished I`d never been born. It was pretty much down hill from there.

She started drinking,leaving us home alone and bringing men home "uncle" somebody ! There was never any food ,

milk was powered, we ate cerial when we had it, my grandmother came once in a while and brought bread, jam and

and then there was all ways lard and sugar sandwiches!Yummy!!!

After she had spent the insurance money she found a shy ,quiet man who never dated, she met him thru his sister.

Two weeks later they ran off and got married, came home ,told us we were going to stay a couple weeks with the Aunt`s and Uncle that raised her. We did`nt know them. I was scared to death that it would be an awful place,[as

if things could be worse than we  already had lived thru.

We were put in the car with the few clothes we had ,and off we went. My little brother was hugging me and crying, I had always protected him and saw that he ate weather I did or not. I was 41/2 then ,he trusted me to always be with him

I hugged him,wiped his tears and told him this was going to be a great adventure !

Altho I was shaking in side.

We finally arrived, and I could`nt believe my eyes ! There was a big farm house, flowers all over, fruit tree`s ,big

red barn and every animal you can imagine !

My Aunt`s, we were to call them Aunt`y, Aunt Kate and Unkie. They each took ahold of our hands and lead us into this unbelievable big,house that smelled like cinnamom and fresh bread and it was so clean! The first thing Aunty said was,Ed get the buckets and the wash tub and pump a bunch of water !  These babies need a good scrubbing!!!

And scrub she did, she put the tub by the wood cook stove filled it up and got the home made soap,I could`nt  remember when the last bath we had was.

Then we ate supper, real food .Chicken, gravey, veg ,.biscuits all we could eat and MILK !! Right  out of a real cow !

After dinner my Mom left, without saying good-bye. The two weeks turned into over a year of good food, love hugs ,scoldings and never once being hit. We ran and laughed and rolled in the grass down the hill into the

cherry orchard. WE sat in the trees and ate as many cherrys as we could, then we`d run to the barn to see what Unkie

was doing. we feed chicken, gathered eggs, feed he pigs, and watched while the milk magically came out of the cows. On occasion Unkie would turn a teat at us and squirt milk at us, we`d run screaming and giggling to Aunty would yell 

out "Ed, stop that ,you`ll get it in their eye`s ! and she`d wink at us.

We even got to go to the State Fair ! We`d never seen anything like that. All those people, animals and all knds of wonderful things and best of all I got to sleep in the hay beside Unkies prize pig !  I thought maybe this is what Heaven is like,,as I closed my eyes and went

to sleep’

It`s really hard to express what this experience did for me. But it ended too soon. they came back and got us and the

joy was gone. Funny how kindness and warm  arms can help even in memories. When   things got real bad, I,d hide and think of my days in the sun. I still love old farms and barns and animals. my Mom refused to let us see our Aunts

again, because they told her she was`nt doing right by us.  When I was 10 I found them again, we stayed in touch until they died.  God bless them and people like them, they never could have kids of their own, so raised and

spoiled my Mom and then took on us wild ones.          lonnie

When children are little they step on your toes, when they grow up they step on your heart..

It now seems so strange how fast they grow up. For years you are the center of their world, they come to you for everything. You nurse them thru all the various chldhood ills, they cling to you, knowing if any one can fix it Mommy can. The bumps, the bruises, the owies that the magic bandaid cures. You wipe awaythe tears, they smile  , hug your legs and out the door they go.

I was a single Mom with 4 girls and 1 boy, I had no one to give me any help or encouragement and without my kids I would have been so lost. I constantly felt guilty because I had to work to survive. On my days off I would make them special days and we would plan together what we would do.

I worked nites so I could be there in the morning to get them up and ready for thier day, pre-school for 2, 1st

grade for 1 and the other 2 were home with me til I went to work. In the summer we had all day together. 

Sometimes I would be so tired I felt like crying, I`d think to myself "Oh please God, if they could just all dress themselves and tie their shoes I`d be so grateful,then I`d feel guilty !  The warm hugs , the baby smell of thier skin and the " I love you this much " made it all better again, and I knew I was doing the best I could with what I had to work with.

Then you turn around and their grown, school friends now take up our together time, no time to sit and read a story to them, "Mom, can we go to the play ground with our friends"?   O.K  see you in a couple hours.

Then all the sudden ,Mom ,"can I go to the movies with Kevin"?

Now they are gone, my twins, and my oldest daughter, my laughing, loving, girls. They were 20, 40, and 41 when

they died.  I`d give anything to dress them or tie their shoes, I just want to hold them one more time, to feel their 

warm, soft skin against my cheek and smell the shampoo smell of thier hair. Would`nt it be great if we could have do overs?  My heart hurts, there`s a huge empty feeling in there. Please let them see me, loving them.

I hear from my son[my baby, he just turned 40!] He calls every day just to say hi and I love you he fills me in on his day, I ramble on about what ever.  We never say Good-Bye, it makes it sound to final, we say "Later".

I have`nt seen my youngest daughter since her sisters funeral in 2004. She was drinking, and disrespectful and

got mad because we would`nt let her go pick thru her sisters belongings. I call her, I`ll always love her but she

chose the bottle over all of us, I pray for her, and her darling 16 year old daughter, She knows where I am if

she needs me. I guess you can`t stop loving them, but you sure don`t have to always like them !

Oh well I guess what does`nt kill you makes you stronger !!

Later........Lonnie

  Well with great enthusiasum in my last journal, I wrote about spring finally getting here. It was 80 degrees one day, 75 the next, and then.......we woke up to snow for three days !!  It`s rained ever since.

Was that spring? Ya think?? No wonder every bone in my body is screaming,"GO SOUTH" !

I`m mad, my cat is mad, and when she`s mad she`s mad all over !  She blames me for the rain, she wants to go out side and when I open the door she gives me "that look" ! She just ran up stairs and went to bed after some very loud remarks that I`m sure would be bleeped out !!

So here I sit  freezeing, It`s still raining, its getting dark the cats still mad ......                        but I will cling to the hope that altho it`s a month past the first day of Spring  I will hang on to the hope that it has to arrive, guess I`ll keep my long johns and sweat  shirts handy until some one lets me know I can go out and play !

Til next time....Lonnie

Today the sun came out, in Oregon it`s kinda like a magic trick, now you see it now you don`t ! I was washing dishes, yeh, by hand [,just call me Maytag lol !] I decided to heck with this ,dried my hands, grabbed my coat and my kitty,Oatey and we went out in the SUN!

We sat in the lawn chair and looked around at the beauty around us. Bright yellow Daffodills, Blue Bells, Tulips and

tiny blue flowers I call Jonny-jump-ups. Even my Bleeding heart was starting to bloom. No lilacs yet ,but wonderful apple blossoms !   What a wonderful time to be alive !

My kitty jumped off my lap, streached, and flopped down in the warm grass. She rolled around in it ,got comfy on her back and closed her eyes. I laid down by her,looking up at the birds rushing to build nest in the bird houses.

I could hear Oatey softly purring her song of happiness and I closed my eyes and thought, It just does`nt get much better than this.

i THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE VERY IN KEEPING WITH MY LAST JOURNAL ABOUT TRYING TO AGE GRACEFULLY,

BUT FEELING VERY UN-ATTRACTIVE AND TROLL-LIKE

 WHEN IN THE PRESENCE OF THE "BARBIE AND KENS" OF THE WORLD!

SO HERE GOES, HOPE IT MAKES YOU SMILE.

LIFE SHOULD NOT BE A JOURNEY TO THE GRAVE WITH THE INTENTIONS

OF ARRIVING SAFTLY,IN AN  ATTRACTIVE , SHAPELY AND WELL PRESENTED BODY,

BUT RATHER TO SKID IN SIDEWAYS, CHOCOLATE IN ONE HAND, LATTE IN THE OTHER,

BODY THROUGHLY WORN OUT AND SCREAMING, "YAH-HOO", WHAT A RIDE !!!!!!!.

REMEMBER, EVERY DAY IS A GIFT.

LONNIE

Hello out there in the real world.  I`ve decided since I can`t sleep I`ll unload  some of my pet peeves!

I`m getting leary of smiling at any one, no one smiles back and they give you that look ......Is she all there?

The checkers in the stores act like their doing you  a favor by taking your money and smashing your eggs!

When you go to the gas station, and your there first, But a brand new shiney sports car drives in with a 25 year old half dressed girl in it, guess who gets noticed first.  Hey! I`m blonde too, [like that makes a difference.]

How  do these people feel when their mothers are treated  rudely?   My favorite is when the wonderful people at social security make a mistake and all the sudden it`s your fault!  " I`m sorry M`am, but I don`t understand what your  trying

to say."  THey say it real loud and real slow like your in your own little slow world !  Then ,it`s your not understanding

what I`m TRYING to say !!!!        No you don`t understand, I`ve earned every one of these  wrinkles,[I`m not crazy about that fact ]I`m not deaf and last time I checked I had all my marbles !!!So please, what happened too RESPECT for those  over 60,  God did`nt say treat them like there invisable and maybe they`ll go away.  He said we are all created equal ! No one stays 20 forever, so think about that.   Gee I feel better !!!!!!!    Good-nite for now.....Lonnie

NO SUNSHINE TODAY, BUT GUESS WE MAKE OUR OWN SUNSHINE !                                                          

CAN`T WAIT TO PLANT FLOWERS AND FEEL THE GRASS AND  GET DIRTY !

I LOVE THE SPRING TIME, MY CAT LIKES HELPING. Or THINKS SHE IS WHILE PLAYING WITH A POOR DEFENSLESS WORM  !!

Another day, helped build 8 birdhouses it was a nice day, will paint them tomorrow. A lady special ordered them, and it keeps us busy, Plus ads to our small income..My husband has had two bypass surgerys ,diabetes and two angioplastys with 4 stents. His heart attack was when he was 52, we were just doing well. We were ruined financially.

But we still had each other, and thats more important than keeping up with the Jones !

The bird houses were a great success, as I stood there looking at them, and at my love with paint and sawdust all over him, I hugged him and said I`m so glad your the one my soul loves ! He hugged me back, and said , Your so lucky ! !