AARP Online Community: kcgirlintx - Treat your Family like Strangers

kcgirlintx

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Background

Name: Deb

Birthday: June 28

Gender: Female

Status: Divorced

Ethnicity: Caucasian

Location:
Texas
United States

School:
Nashua Elementary, KC MO
Maple Park Jr. High, KC MO
North Gate Jr. High, KC MO
Glendale High (few months) Glendale AZ
Oak Park Sn. High, KC MO
Custom World Travel Academy, International Tours & Travel Academy, KC MO
Lenexa KC
Job Ready Training IT courses, Austin TX.

Work:
Twin Drive In (Riverside MO), Airport Gift shops, Resturant & Snak bars, Parking (KCI), Montgomery Wards, Sears Store (KC MO), Lake City Ammo Plant (Independence MO)
Trans World Airlines (KC MO & Austin TX)
Progressive Insurance, Apple & Dell computers, Motorola/Freescale, Home Depot Tech Support (Austin TX).

Hometown(s):
Nashua, MO
Phoenix, AZ
Colorado Springs, CO
Nashua, MO
Norfolk, VA
Antioch, MO
Nashua, MO
Austin (Cedar Creek, Luling, Bastrop, Red Rock), TX.

Quote:
"Life's a BEACH. I love the smell of the Ocean in the morning."

My Comments (18)

Treat your Family like Strangers

After a more emotionally brutal outing with my mother than usual, I wonder why people treat strangers better than they do their own family members. My family has never been what I would classify as close by any stretch of the imagination; even so, we know that we love each other. If during an intense argument or an out and out screaming match, you were to ask, do we love one another, you might get a response more along the lines of “I hate her or him” or “how could anyone Love someone like that”. Ask again, after a few hours cooling off time, and the response would be a softer more resounding “Yes”, “Of course I love them, they are family”. Translated this means; that even though at times I can’t stand to look at them or hear their voice and have thoughts of murder occasionally, family is family and even at their worse, you just have to love them, like it or not, that’s the rule.

My own dear mother, who I know deep in my heart loves me, treats me with total disregard, and would more than likely tell you straight out that, she prefers the company of my siblings to mine, but she still loves. I do not exactly understand our relationship. I know if I ever need anything and it is within her power to do so, she would help me get it and I would do the same for her and my father. I could qualify that with, if she thinks I need it; in any event, she will never let me forget the fact that she (and my father whom, she intentionally forgets to mention) has helped me out of a sticky situation, once again. Sometimes, I wonder if she helps her children to have something to hold over our heads later on, or if she is truly helping solely because she loves us. Yes, my loving mother, take her out in public where she is around people that she will never see again in her life and she is the most friendly, congenial, kind, soft spoken person anyone could possibly want to meet. Get her home behind closed doors with family and loved ones and she is the most, short tempered, hateful, suspicious and mean spirited woman in three counties. The only way one of her family members are likely to get through an entire conversation with her is, allow her to do all the talking, agree with everything she says by verbal acknowledgement and maintain the focus of the conversation around her. For some unknown reason, that applies doubly to me. I have asked my siblings repeatedly why they think that is, they agree, however are at a loss for why it is.

I have an aunt that I am sure loves her children and husband. That did not stop her from disowning and breaking all ties with her daughters and son, and it does not keep her from yelling and screaming at her husband and telling him that she cannot imagine what could have possessed her to, ever agree to marry him. She fails miserably when attempting to find a kind word for any of them most of the time. That same cantankerous woman will give a homeless person her overcoat in freezing weather or take in a troubled teen after their parents, at wits end, have kicked them out after exhausting all other options to reverse inappropriate behavior. I would bet if you were to ask her she too would say, “Of course I love them, they are my family”.

Why people are more generous with a kind word or affection for a stranger is difficult to say, and I do not pretend to understand it. I do believe, if we give our family the same kindness and consideration that we would a stranger we just might get along more congenially. So, next time you feel like responding to a member of your family with a sarcastic or cruel comment remember this commentary, and treat your family like a stranger.

Comments (10)

Bookmarked (0)

Honeysucklerose says:

This just jumped out at me as if it was custom made. I tell you I am going through the same thing right now and have been so since 2006. It is getting worse because I keep trying to reason this stuff out and walk the thin line. The truth be known I love my children but I hate them around me. There is always some issue and not just in theirs lives but the issues they present in mine. Just recenly my daughter wrote me a letter that I thought was not only one sided but taken out of content so she could make a point. In short she critisized me for making decisions in my life that she couldnt handle. Mind you they wernet decisions that effected her life they were decisions she didnt agree with. I never knew my daughter would turn out to be such a pian in my neck. I am about to turn 50 and to make some decisions in my life about my family and my health and the one thing I already know if they cant get with the program then keep it moving.

I can relate to what your saying you love them but if you can see them coming you may lock the door!

Posted: July 27, 2008 4:59AM EDT

Cby says:

I've learned here lately to say thank-you to just about everything and it has a peculiar way of making amazing changes. I picked up this book at a 'for-charity-book-sale' called "Thank You Power", by Deborah Norville. Just the cover was enough to challenge me to give it a try. In the past I have gotten through many horrible events in my life by saying thank-you, but I had stopped doing it because my life is so good these days. I have noticed how quickly the energy around me changes when I gives thanks for absolutely everything; for the red light, for the smell of gasoline, for the tone of voice of a total stranger, for the cooler temperatures, for the sixth time I've heard my husband tell me the same thing, for the internet, for my sore shoulders... It never ends and yet in the wake of positive energy that is created I see people around me relax and focus and actually smile! Try it my friend

Posted: July 26, 2008 8:54PM EDT

jc2gether63 says:

Hi Deb,
Congratulations on being featured on the front page of the AARP web site. It is an excellent journal and I do believe they picked it because too many families share your circumstance.

A neighbor had an excellent discription of people that treat neigbors better than family, "Street angels and house devils."

Sometimes when the lines of humanity are crossed through violence or sexual abuse, the ties must be cut . . . even with family. Have a Great Day! Carol

Posted: July 24, 2008 12:18AM EDT

grannyrules says:

I too feel your pain, my own thirty eight year old daughter called me some choice words, only because i allowed my grand daughter, her daughter to live with me. it's been almost three months now and we have not spoken. I know that I should be the big person and forgive her but this hasn't been the first time, she always argues about the fact that my nineteen year grandaughter would rather live with me. yes, she can provide more for her than I can but the memories that we have together is worth more than anything

Posted: July 23, 2008 12:56AM EDT

kcgirlintx says:

I think about moving away but at the same time worry what will happen to them when I'm not here to look after them. It is a turmoil that I have not figured out yet. Thanks for the comment

Posted: July 22, 2008 10:01PM EDT

jen43 says:

Deb, Your journal above is the featured journal on the AARP.org page!
Way to go girl !, proud of you, have a great evening......Jen

Posted: July 22, 2008 10:00PM EDT

minhargabright says:

I feel the pain in your voice. I myself at the age of 40 finally realized that it wasn't me, it was the other's abusiveness. I moved far away and started treating my own family the way it should be. My children are quite happy, my husband is happy, and that makes me happy. I think I succeeded because I removed myself from the evironment of abusiveness. Like it or not, it is abusive, and we avoid the truth because we are family

Posted: July 22, 2008 1:13PM EDT

kcgirlintx says:

I realize this attitude among family members has been active for generations and is not likely to change any time soon. I guess I like many others just wish it would. In the meantime the only thing to do is continue on as best one can.
Deb

Posted: July 10, 2008 2:35AM EDT

Hollowwood says:

It seem that many people save their most Damming Words for those closest to them. They are most forgiving of Strangers, less forgiving of Family! The Errors of Family Members puts them in the Spot Light, and they don't like it. With Strangers, they can sit on their High Pedistall, in Judgment, and feel Superior. Art

Posted: July 9, 2008 9:11PM EDT

dillieg says:

good morning deb! you know its a sad thing to say but this is so true in many cases.......i find its easier just to go on loving them and disregard the hurt...we all need to apply the love of god in our lives but i dont see that happening a lot. good luck and be happy,if for no other reason,do it for yourself!

Posted: July 9, 2008 11:27AM EDT

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Added: Jul 9, 2008
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