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 There is no getting around the fact that we all are getting old. Those of us who emigrated to this country in the 1960s and 1970s are now on the wrong side of 50. Our 20-something children are now swelling the ranks of the ABCDs.

Understandably, upon arriving here, our first concern was to secure a job, a green card , the citizenship, a car, a house, not necessarily in that order. Many of us were already married. So we settled down to raise our children.

This proved a much harder task than we had assumed. We struggled with our carriers, dual full-time jobs, the lack of traditional family support system of mothers, grandparents aunts and maids.

For the first time in our lives, we learnt the facts of American teenage culture. We were worried, concerned. Even scared. We spent all our time and energy protecting our children from the ‘evils’ of this ‘promiscuous’ society. I remember so many discussions on this topics in reunions and get togethers. We wrote many letters to the editor in India Abroad and local papers.

Along with our children, we too learnt about sex education. We became savvy about driver’s licenses, summer camps, pajama parties, dating, drinking, and proms. And then the complicated process of college admission tests and interviews. We were inundated with cultural demands from all sides.

Somehow we managed to provide a steady guidance for our kids. It truly seems a miracle to me that in spite of all our uncertainties and doubts ignorance and bunglings, our kids, for the most part, grew up pretty decent human beings after all.

Now they are young adults, phew! What a relif! The worries are over. Right? Not quite. Not yet. We begin to worry about their marriage, career,,,

Why do we not worry about ourselves? Getting old in this country? As parents we are so wrapped up in our children’s lives that we often neglect our own physical, spiritual and financial concerns.

How have we aged? How do we want to age? We are alone in this, without the tradition and continuity that would have been available to us in India. How should we spend our golden years? Fortunately, our cultural background provides us with some spiritual guidance. I see many of my contemporaries flocking to the local temples and gurdwaras. Some find satisfaction in charity work and volunteer services. However I sense many of us, including myself, are uncertain and ambivalent about religion. We seek alternatives for our spiritual fulfillment.

We have questions about how to keep ourselves busy after retirement. Where should we live out the last years? Near our children? In an old people’s home? Or some place new, preferably sunny? In this country or back home in India? What are the logistics involved? Old age often makes one nostalgic about the past, but we know that the India of our youth is no more. How practical is it to move back again? We need information on these topics as well as shared first hand accounts of trials and tribulations by those who have paved the path.

Of course, the  most important issue is the availability oif adequate health care. We do not want to dwell on the toughts of death and diseases. But we do need to give serious thoughtto how we would like to die and what resources are available in our communities to ensure that desirable death. How many of us have ‘Advanced Directives’? or living wills? These are the decisions we need to make while we are still healthy. We have successfully arrived at Vanaprastha, the third stage of our lives. We need to figure out how to navigate the last stage of Sanyasa.

We Indian women are particularly vulnerable. It is a fact that on an average, women in this country outlive men by at least a decade. Widowhood in the late years is a distinct possibility. At the risk of sounding alarmist, we need to be advised about it. Many of us have ‘sacrificed’ ourselves for the good of the family, parents, husbands or children. We seem to forget to take notice of ourselves. In our perimenopausal age, just when we ourselves need physical and emotional care, we often find ourselves saddled with a double load of troublesome teens at home and aging parents halfway across the world.

Sometimes, when I look back, it seems ironic that our generationgot our timing wrong twice! We came to this country in our 20s, after spending all our childhood and teen years in India under strict parental control abnd societal supervision. Most of us did not get to enjoy the freedom routinely granted the American teenagers by this permissive society. It seems as if we missed out on so much fun, like choices in make up, hairstyle, dress, sports, clothing, driving, friends, even the freedom to argue with one’s parents and throw occasional tantrums. I remember helping my teenage daughter into her first strapless dress for her prom.  Among the feelings of joy and pride was a twinge of regret at never experiencing any such occasions in my teenage years.

Now at the opposite end of life, we have again messed it up by opting to grow old in this country. A very harsh country to grow old indeed! Unlike India, this culture does not pay homage to old age. There are no respect for wisdom and experience, nor admiration for the serenity and spirituality that come with aging. Here the pressure is on acting as young as one possibly can, for as long as one can get away with it.

Getting old in America means falling out of step with the rest of the society; not trying to act young may actually suggest being lazy and unproductive! So the rush is on to seek that illusive youth in gyms and spas, in lotions and hair dyes, Botox and cosmetic surgeries. What a sad, pitiful way to spend our ‘golden’ years!

I remember my mother being so proud of her first gray hair in her forties. When I plucked it off she was visibly upset! I wanted her to remain young a little longer, and she wanted to reach that ‘respectable’ age as soon as possible what a polar difference in attitude towards a perfectly normal process in our lives.

Attitudes notwithstanding,  this is the time to plan for a secure and serene old age. As we shared our wisdom and experience in childrearing, so can we do on issues of aging, discuss various choices and outcomes, share our sorrows and fears as well as the serenity and the spirituality that we all seek as we age. Come, let us celebrate getting old. Let us age and be happy.

India abroad/8.23/2002