Just wondering how you're doing and how your mother is doing, too. Sounded like a very trying situation all around. I was going over old posts and just wanted to reach out. Give us an update if you like.

We are here for you,

Jane

  Chiming in late here. In your original post, I'm also "hearing" the stress of being a caregiver for your husband. Sounds like he's in the "chronic" phase of recurrent cancer care, and its a roller coaster ride, for sure. Since its sounds like you're a long ride away from an urban area, i wonder if you'd have the oomph to try an online support group for cancer caregivers. CancerCare.org has an impressive variety of resources,all of which is free, including phone counseling, support groups on line and lots of info on their website: http://www.cancercare.org/get_help/special_progs/caregivers.php

You have a lot you're doing for the people around you. I hope you can take some time for yourself. Easier said than done, I know.

In support,
Jane,   who's mother refused help up until her death, and who's sister has cancer

 By the way, folks, the PBS special can be watched for free on the web site: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/caringforyourparents/

Might be an opportunity to talk with parents if you watch it with them! Or with your kids.

take care of yourselves,

Jane

  Sorry it took me so long to reply.  Thank you for the input.  The idea of an adult day center would be great but there isn't anyway I would get my mother to go to one of these.  She gets tired just sitting up and as I said she just lays on her sofa all day.  Very depressing in itself.  I know she would benefit from this.  Maybe next time I go home I could take her to one of these centers just to observe and see if she would be interested in attending.  You never know until one tries it.  It might just give her the boost that she needs.  I did have my mother evaluated last year through the Office on Aging.  They also conducted a memory evaluation which didn't have the best results.  We then met with her doctor and everyone feels she is safe at home, as long as we unplugged her stove......which I immediately did.   This is where she feels the most comfortable. She does not wander from her apartment, so I don't have to worry about her like I did my father when he was still at home.  Thanks again for your response. jelbie

Jelbie, How difficult for you. You should try to find some time for yourself and do something you enjoy without feeling guilty. You have probably considered that your Mom may be depressed after your Dad's death and the depression maybe accelerating some of her other symptoms. My Dad's depressed, but refuses any treatment, which makes relating to him as you say stretch my patience.  I know that older people of any age can respond to effective treatments for depression. You might want to talk with your Mom and her doctor. You said she is homebound, but she might benefit from services at an adult day center, which provides more support and therapeutic services than a senior center.  Many centers provide door-to-door transportation. Most communities have them. You might feel a little better because someone else would be keeping an eye on how she is doing. You also might be able to find out if a counselor from the local office on aging would visit her. You can find that at www.eldercare.gov. I wish you the best. snlutz

I'm new to this site.   I didn't see the program but I am a long distance care giver for my mother.  I handle everything for my mother.  I'm her POA both health and financial.  My father passed away two years ago and since then it seems that my mother has just given up on life.  She isn't living but existing.  I have done everything that I possibly can for her,  she gets meals on wheels,  a cleaning lady, a lady that comes to help her bathe, Lifeline, etc.  She will be 90 in December. Lives in her own apartment yet and is homebound.  She has macular degeneration,  arthritis, a heart condition and her memory is getting very bad.   I have two siblings that don't help in any way. My sister does appreciate what I do and has told me so.  I live four hours away from my mother and try to get to see her every four to six weeks.  I feel good about what I have in place for my mother but I just don't seem to have patience with her.  She doesn't talk very much or do anything but lays on her sofa all day.  She does sit up to watch a couple of judge shows on TV for a couple of hours, then it's back to the sofa.  She doesn't take her medicine like she should.  I set this up in pill boxes (with the large letters for the visually impaired) for her but she say's she can't remember if she's taken her pills or not, so she would just as soon not take them, then to double up on them. She doesn't eat properly when she doesn't get her meals on wheels.   I'm dealing with my husbands health as well, he has cancer for a third time.  He has had three operations, radiation and has been on chemo for two years.  We drive weekly, 250 miles round trip, for his chemo treatments.  He has also just been diagnosed with congestive heart failure and is seeing a doctor this week for a treatment plan.  With my husbands health, we have no social life.  So, when I go home to see my mother, I guess my patience has been stretched.  I am not nasty to my mother by any means but I feel guilty that I'm not more understanding.  Is anyone else in  this situation and how do you handle it. 

Thanks for the reply Jane.  I agree that a spiritual connection can do wonders at helping w/individual connections as well.  My mother is certainly more religious than I am, although I do seem to go through spiritual phases.  We have tried a few different congregations where we live, but none of them have truly "clicked" w/me, and it doesn'tseem as though she has felt any differently about that.

I believe her isolation stems from a number of factors:

• she's physically disabled, w/chronic arthritis & chronic pain--this limits her independent mobility, and has practically put an end to her gardening days and knitting/crocheting projects.  I've tried to teach her how to use the internet, but she's never typed in her life and her arthritis doesn't help here either;
• Although she's disabled , she's not comfortable around other disabled individuals, so she isolates herself from that group as well;
• she has a minor language barrier, which shouldn't inhibit her, but I feel she has unjustly allowed it to overpower her socializing skills & needs;
• she's also been existing in this sort of passive depression since we moved to So. California... this one is complicated and wide open for analyzing, and one thing that's certain here is that we're both in the same boat;
• lastly, her old age (77), makes it that much harder for someone in her state to start anew in unfamiliar territories.

Thankfully , I've recently had something of a breakthrough and now have enough clarity to recognize a lot of what she/we has/have been going through these past 5 yrs.+, and have begun researching entities that might assist us more concretely than others we've contacted in the past.

It's been very hard, and I'm starting to face the reality that it's only going to get harder as time passes... I hope to regain the inner strength I'll need to continue facing this uphill battle.  Thank you Jane for your words of encouragement--they've not gone unheard or unfelt, and I in turn would like to extend the same sentiment to all others who are facing similar life challenges.  I'll do my best to keep holding my chin up, and I continue hoping for the best for our future.

Best,

Barbara

Hi, BarbaraC,

It was a moving documentary. I'm thinking about your mom's isolation. I'm sure you've been racking your brains thinking of ways she can reduce her isolation, but if i may, i have a couple of thoughts. Do you ever connect with a faith community in each of the places you live?  Churches or temples are wonderful places to meet people, and they tend to have older folks in them, as well, people your mother might want to get to know. i wonder what interests she has that would get her out of the house. a volunteer activity? does she knit or sew? there are knitting circles springing up all over. does she enjoy gardening? walking for exercise?

and what the heck, is she comfortable on computers? maybe she'd like to join an online aarp community. i'm amazed at the range of interests here. Movies, philosophy, photography, you name it there's a group for it. or she can start one.  A group for Lithuanians who play chess. The sky's the limit.  i belong to a listserv that has several rural australians on it, and the group is a real source of socialization for them. even though they've never met a single person in the flesh.

just a couple of ideas. share more as you like. hang in there.

jane