Your Dad is so afraid of losing his "INDEPENDENCE" thats why he is so hard to convince him to give up his driving privilege.That is part of his indepence to come and go as he pleases.Indepence is the primary concern for the elderly.They feel the have to hang on for dear life to their privileges.Some will fight hard for that right.You have to find a way to redirect his thoughts and let him know HE is the one making the choices.And that he is in control!Im a caregiver and ive seen this over and over.My heart goes out to these individuals as they struggle with these issues.Just put your foot in their shoes and try to be understanding of how they may feel.I wish the best to you and yours.God Bless!Deb

When my dad's congestive heart failure had progressed to the point that he needed oxygen, he was having trouble driving because he "couldn't take the d*mn tank" with and he had things to do.  But he got lost, drove too close and very nearly had accidents that scared my mom when she rode with him.  Since my mom can't drive due to vision problems, we decided that an alternative was needed.  I enlisted my daughter, who was currently unemployed, to be their chauffer with me paying for a new pick up truck for her to use.  My dad got a charge out of riding in the pick up, (it had 3 doors so his tank could ride in the back right behind him) with his very pretty young granddaughter.  He always adored and spoiled his grandchildren.  He wouldn't listen to mom or his children about driving or medication schedules, but he did listen to his grandchildren when they expressed concern for his well-being.  Also, my daughter told him she needed the job so he had to co-operate for her sake.  Both my dad and my daughter told me how much they loved this arrangement. 

My advice, get the older teenage grandchildren involved if at all possible.  That way, the grandparent can  "help" the kids earn some spending money, and the kids also have the benefit of spending time with their grandparent.

I married a man who was 20+ years older than me and when he was diagnosed with dementia, he continued to drive until one day...he came home from the barber and said "I never had an accident in my life but there is too much traffic for me not to know where I am going" and he put his keys on the table and that was it. 

Of course, you are all wishing your parents or spouses did the same but I found myself "Driving Mr. Daisy" everywhere...I had no idea where he went and what he did and it became a real burden for me. 

I only mention this because I think that many people assume that Mom or Dad are being obstinant and you can take them wherever they need to go but only they know where they go and what they do and it is not just groceries on Saturday.  It is a lot of time and commitment. 

So, I sold the second car and set up an "account' with the proceeds and the insurance to pay people and friends to take him places.  He never used public transportation but I think we would be wise to have a strategy to stop the driving and replace it with alternatives before it stops all together.  Find family members, friends and neighbors who could use gas money and pay them per trip...you get the ideas of what I am saying.  

We went through this with my 85 year old father.  It was very difficult.  My uncle ( who is a doctor) ended up helping us out.  He came to us and told us to tell my Dad it was time to stop driving, and that we could say that he said so.  My father, predictably, got angry when my husband and I gave him the bad news, but we held firm.   And Dad, realizing we would not bow to the pressure of his "tantrum", finally accepted it.  My advice is to be tough and unflinching, and get as much support from others as you can. For example, you can say: "So-and-so and so-and-so think that you need to stop driving too."  Then the elder can't pin all the blame on you for "taking away" this privilege of his.   Also----Do not be intimidated by the elder becoming angry or combative.  You will need to have support from at least one other person while delivering the news to your elder.

My grandfather was 72 in 1980-He would not dream of giving up his keys to his truck-one summer day he went to the store came down the street 1 block from where he lived and had a stroke hit  and crashed into 3 park cars,no one was in the cars.He had a Stroke -I went before the Judge and right then and there i turned in the permit  and i kept the keys.Sold the car later.

What if someone was walking or people were in the parked cars ? This would have killed me inside -My grandfather stayed in the hospital 1 month -never came home died 3 months later he never knew what he had done .Do something before it is to late,be  safe than sorry.Take your parent before the judge get a court order.to give up driving .If there are medical reasons this can help also.Good Luck Leti

 Hi,

Here is my experience, and my plan, previous to her totalling her car and removing the necessity for me to intervene: My Mom moved to a continuing care retirement community, sold us her car because they had transportation to everywhere for her included in the pricey cost of the place.

After we sold our old barely working car (the timing turned out to be great to buy hers!) and relied on hers, she mysteriously moved herself back to her old apt. 30 miles away and insisted on having her car back. THIS was hard! Now we had to buy a new car. But we didn't complain, as we saw it was her right even though she was making increasingly poor judgement calls on the road. We could not convince her to give it up. A month after she got it back she totalled it. She was miraculously unhurt and hurt no one in the process, but that removed the car from all of our lives.

My plan, which I was about a week away from implementing, was to first, ask her to take an AARP driving course for seniors. If she refused, I'd let it go and soon thereafter rig her car so it wouldn't start. I couldn't do the battery thing, but I'd have to get more creative because she knows a thing or two about cars. My brother would have been enlisted to come over and check it out (he was in on this as well) and determine (falsely of course) that the engine was seized due to no error on her part. And he would have had it towed to his house and sold it and given the money to her.

She still complains (3 years later) that she'd have a life if she only had a car. Our family provides all the travel she wants and needs to everything she could dream of (she lived with me for a couple of years before moving in with my sister) and still engages in the fantasy that she could do it herself if she only had a car. This we can live with! Best of luck to you!

When my grandfather passed a car and scraped the entire driver's side - and never even knew he touched anything - my mother wrestled with what to do about his driving.  Grand-dad was adamant that he could still drive... even though at almost 80, he had lost most of his vision and hearing.  Ultimately, the "solution" came in the form of an excuse.  A beloved grandson who lived in Texas "needed" a car... and Grand-dad rather reluctantly gave his to him.  That was after Mother had tried everything, including hiding his keys or taking them home with her.   And for awhile, Mom compromised - Grand-dad could keep the car in the carport... but he was not to drive it!   It got to where the easiest way to avoid a conflict was to try and second-guess my grandparents and drive them wherever they needed to go.  But as fast as we could think ahead of them, they could outdo us, so that only worked to a point.  So the ultimate decision to give away the car was a blessing.

Believe it or not, some people DO give up their cars voluntarily.  My great-aunt decided on her own that she was no longer a good driver, and she called her grandson one day and said, "I want you to sell my car.  I'm not driving any more."  Oh, that it were always that easy!

My paternal grandmother drove until she was in her early 90's.  Mam-maw's life centered around her car.  It spelled FREEDOM for her, and she was extremely reluctant to give it up, even after backing out into another car and a few other fender benders.  She drove a two-tone Chevy impala (I think it was a 1968 - Army green with a white top) - it was a TANK!  So she was not hurt, but she really did a number on the other person's car. 

In 2003, Mam-maw fell and had to go to the nursing home for about 3 months of rehab.  The following year, she fell again and had to return for more rehab.  This time, she was so weak and sick that we questioned whether she could even return home, at 91 years of age.  Mam-maw did go home, but she realized she was not able to drive any more, and she asked my sister and brother-in-law to sell her car.  They did - for $500, and she was thrilled.  However, in recent years as her health has improved somewhat, she has commented, "If I just had my car, I could take myself lots of places!"  We are thankful the car is gone!

My friend's father drove an old Chevy suburban, and he caused many accidents all over town.  Since we live in a rather small community, and everyone knows everyone, most people knew to look out for this man, but there were still some fender-benders and such.  So my friend went to the chief of police and asked him if he could talk to her dad about his driving.  He told her that her father had passed his driver's test (how that happened, we aren't sure) and there was nothing he could do.  Another friend told me that the police chief came to him, friend to friend, and said, "It's time to have the talk with your mother about no longer driving."  The man asked the chief to do it for him and was told with a smile, "I'm sorry, but you are on your own with this."  So my friend had "the talk" and told his mother she could no longer drive.

This has got to be one of the hardest issues we face with our "seniors."  The car does spell "freedom" for them... and independence.  My 96-year-old grandmother has a best friend who just turned 90, and she is still driving.    She told me recently that she drove several of the little ladies to a friend's house to play dominoes, and she said, "There were five people in my car, and I was the only one without a walker."  I asked what she did with the four walkers, and she said, "I just folded them up and put them in my trunk!"  When the day comes that HER son has "the talk" with her, I wonder what those other little ladies will do - if they are still alive.  This dear soul represents their last vestige of independence from their children and grandchildren - and a ride to many places they want to go.

I take my grandmother to get her hair done each Thursday, and while she is there I buy her groceries and run any other errands she needs.  However, she "supplements" these trips with rides to the store with her friend (the 90-year-old).  In fact, one Thursday I dropped her off at home and got her settled, and then I went to Wal-Mart to buy my OWN groceries.  I looked up and my grandmother was coming toward me, pushing a buggy.  She had hitched a ride with her friend, and she was buying "a few things."  I am certain I have no idea how many "outings" these ladies make - or where they go - and I pray they do not have an accident and hurt themselves or anyone else.

It seems that quite often, an "incident" spurs the submission of the car keys... as in the case of my Mam-maw and her stint in the nursing home.  I know a lady who was driving herself and a friend to the PX at an Air Force base about 65 miles from our home town, and one day she got lost.  She didn't have a clue where she was, or how to get home.  That was the last time she drove.  Sometimes licenses are revoked after accidents.  And yes, SOME seniors do just decide to no longer drive.

I've thought about this a lot... what would I do if I was widowed and could not drive myself safely?  I have no children, so who would I call?  Thankfully I could probably afford to hire someone to drive me... as does my 96-year-old friend, Olive.  And I feel certain younger relatives and friends from church would pitch in... but it would be on their timetable and at their convenience, not mine.  So I do see how frustrating this is for our seniors... and I try to be as accommodating as I can to my grandmother - and still keep a semblance of a schedule for myself and my household.

I am a firm believer that when we talk about a problem, we should talk about a solution.  While there is no cut-and-dried answer to this dilemma, there are some things that could possibly help a bit:

1. Make arrangements in your calendar to schedule your senior's errands and act as their chauffeur.  I do this for my grandmother on Thursdays.  Thankfully I can make this weekday work for both of us.  When I was still a business owner, it wasn't as easy - and often I had to take a long lunch hour to get this done without eating up my entire Saturday.  Some Thursdays, I can accomplish all of the errands and the trip to the beauty shop in a couple of hours.  Other times, the day is filled with doctor visits and other stops, but I try to consolidate as much as I can on this one day.
2. As my Mam-maw ages, she tires more easily, so I have learned to do what I can for her by myself, such as grocery shopping, and trips to the pharmacy and bank.  Obviously she has to go along to her doctor visits, but whenever her presence is not required, I gently suggest she let me handle the errand for her while she rests and conserves her energy.  This also speeds things up for me, as just getting in and out of the car takes twice as long when she is involved.
3. If you are completely unable to schedule time to chauffeur your senior, investigate the senior services in your community.  Our senior center operates a bus that does door-to-door pickups for trips to shop at Wal-Mart, doctor visits, and lunch at the center.  My grandmother's church operates a bus that would pick her up for services and deliver her afterward. (So far, I have not had any luck getting my Mam-maw to use this bus. Her complaint is that she has to accommodate the church bus schedule.  My take is - what else does she have to do?  So what if she is the first one on and the last one off?  Her choice is often to stay home and watch church on television, and that is okay, too.  But she does have a choice!)
4. Consider trading with a friend or relative... one week you take his/her senior and yours - and the next it is his/her turn.  At the very least, if someone else is driving your senior quite a few places, offer to buy a tank or two of gas for them!
5. Don't be timid about asking for help.  If you have other family members who can pitch in and act as the "taxi" once in awhile, call on them.   It truly does "take a village," and that's just how it is when caring for the elderly.

Nothing about caring for the elderly is simple, or one-size-fits-all.  We all have to tailor our care and services to the needs of our loved one or friend.  But at the same time, we owe it to ourselves and those in the direct path of a senior driver to try and head off danger at the pass.  I often find that creating a space in my calendar for my grandmother's activities can avoid a "head-on collision" of sorts - and all of the time and energy that would come with it.

Best wishes with your situation... and may your days be free of "collisions."

I think it's great that you talked with your father’s doctor/neighbor/friend for help. In a survey by the Hartford and MIT Age Lab, when approached with a conversation about stopping driving, older drivers living alone preferred to hear first from their doctors, then from adult children, close friends and other supportive helpers. Maybe your father’s doctor/neighbor will change their mind about getting involved, or perhaps there is another doctor he visits that can help.   It’s important to note that who initiates the conversation can make a big difference in the chances of success. Here are some helpful links that can help you initiate a conversation, how to anticipate reactions and discuss transportation alternatives so your father can remain independent even after driving is no longer a safe option.