Hi again,

     Pets are often a big problem in divorce.  I have known quite a few people who have had to forfeit one or more pets and it was very hard on them.  I hope you find a solution that is good for you and the pets.

     Don't kick yourself too long or hard for your bad decision regarding this husband.  You can't change the past, but you sure can learn from it and make better decisions in teh future, right?

     Keep us posted!

     SallyJo

Hi, 

Sally, I didn't mean to come off sounding like a "know-it-all".  I appreciate any feedback or advise you give me.

I guess every case or situation is a little different.  In my case, I don't think I will lose a lot, if anything.  If I did, it wouldn't matter that much.  All my household things like furniture are all over 10 years old.  I'd be happy to get rid of it all and start over.  Too many possessions weigh you down anyway.

It might sound silly, but one of my main concerns are about my animals.  I have 3 cats and 1 dog and I'm not sure if I can take care of them all.  If I let him take 2 of them, I would miss them terribly.  I guess they are like our children.

By the way, I attended DivorceCare after my 3rd marriage ended.  I really liked it and made a lot of new friends.  I wish I never got involved with another man after that.

Linda

Hi again,

     I'm so sorry if I made it sound like you didn't know what you were doing; I forgot that you have experienced divorce before.

     It sounds like you have things all planned out.  Good for you.

     SallyJo

I have a plan & it does not include me paying large sums of money out to a lawyer.  I've been married & divorced 3 times before, so I think I know what I'm doing. 

A lady came to look at my place.  She indicated to me that she will buy it but not until January.  That is going to be my goal date of getting this whole mess straightened out. 

The husband indicated to me that he will be moving out soon.  "As soon as he found out about some work he has been talking to somebody about".  Of course, our 5+ years together has been full of empty promises, so his word doesn't mean a lot.

If he is not out by the time I sell my place he will find out that I am moving without him. 

I've just got to trust my instincts on this. 

Well, here are my 2 cents worth!

     1.  Get a better lawyer.  Any lawyer suggesting that you put yourself in perril is NOT a good lawyer-don't take his/her advice.  Find somebody else ASAP.

     2.  File for divorce.  Once that is done, the wheels of the law will get rolling and you will get this man out of your life sooner.

     3.  If you live in a 50/50 state, ALL of the expenses and assets will be divided betwen the two of you.  So, getting the divorce action going will help you stop your liabilities-your lawyer will advise you on how to do all of this.

     4.  Be a detective!  Start now to write down important financial information:  bank account numbers/amounts/dates, credit card information, asset information, insurance information.  Make copies of documents or, better yet, take them and give them to a trusted friend.

     5.  Have an evacuation plan.  Know where you can go if you need to leave in a hurry.  Put some money away-again maybe with a trusted friend or relative.  Don't leave the house unless you have to because it would be more difficult to take possession of the house if he is still living there and you aren't.  But, you need to be able to escape if you have to.

     6.  Stop giving him money.  Stop cooking his meals.  Stop acting like his wife. 

     7.  Start planning for YOUR future as a single woman.  Join organizations like church or community groups.  I would suggest DivorceCare.  It is a divorce class usually run by church groups.  You will get lots of help and support there (you don't have to "be" divorced).

     8.  Don't keep this a secret from your family and friends.  Let them know what is going on.  This is your time to rely on them and their time to show you what good friends and family they are.  Some day, they might need to trade places with you!

     PLEASE keep us all posted on your progress and know that our thoughts and prayers are with you!

     Love ya,    SallyJo

I know you have made the right decision.  We were married 37 years and mine began to disappear at night.  Turned out he was living an alternative lifestyle - "GAY"!  I had found a man's checkbook in his car and copied down the address.  I am not sure why I did that, but I did.  One night he picked a fight with me and left the house.  I waited 15 minutes and went to the address on the checkbook.  There was his car so I went to my adult daughters house and talked to her.  He called me at 1:45a.m. wanting to know where I was.  I confronted him with my hard to believe suspicions (only 5 hours old) and he confessed.  I told him I was filing and one of us would be leaving the house.  I decided to take my young adult son and find an apartment.  We are doing great but he has stopped the child support on his own, even though he is court ordered.  My attorney is having a hay day with him and filed contempt charges.  We go in a week to court.  I think the love was gone along time ago and I don't even like him now.  Who would have thought but this is the best thing that has happened to me.  

I wish you the best and please keep in touch.  Unfortunately, you will find it hard to trust.  My experience has put me on my guard.

Well, I paid my $75 and had my 30 minutes with a lawyer.  Even he didn't offer me much hope.  He suggested that I provoke the husband to enough anger that he would hit or shove me.  Then I could get a court order keeping him from my home.  Another suggestion was to go on & file for divorce.  Even though we've been living under the same roof, we have been in separate bedrooms for over 2 years.  He said if it wasn't protested it would go through anyway and then since we would be not married, I could force him out.  I think I'd do the 2nd suggestion before the 1st one.

Mormee, speaking of groceries, I did go by Food Lion and bought some.  I like to cook & I like to eat.  Whenever I get food ready, he's right there sitting at the table ready to eat with me.  I don't  mind so much when I have something good fixed, but I do mind when I don't have anything readily on hand because he still expects it.

I"m not giving up.  I'm a little disappointed in the lawyer and the time spent there waiting.  I was losing time from work because they kept me waiting.  I think I could file for divorce myself.  I've seen many places online where I can get the forms & do it.

If you can get your hands on his credit card, call the number on the back of it.  You will need the account number and probably your area code.  Talk to a representative and ask if your name is on the account.  If it is, ask them to remove it.  They will generally do it if he is the primary cardholder.  If your name is on the account and they won't remove it, be sure to make sure that he is required to remove your name in your divorce agreement.  You do not want him to create debt in your name.  If your name isn't on the account, you don't have to do anything except to tell the representative that you do not want your name added in any future time.