1. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say, "Because it’s such a beautiful animal." There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
~Ellen DeGeneres

2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
~Ronald Reagan

3. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor

4. If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel.
~Will Kommen

5. Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
~Robert Orben

6. Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.
~David Brenner

7. My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
~Dave Barry

8. I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want – an adorable pancreas?
~Jean Kerr

9. My doctor is wonderful. Once, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the x-rays.
~Joey Bishop

10. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
~Roseanne Barr

11. To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior.
~Rita Rudner

12. If you love something, set it free. Unless it's chocolate. Never release chocolate.
~Renee Duvall

13. The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
~Calvin Trillin

14. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
~Rodney Dangerfield

15. Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
~Yogi Berra

16. My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
~Rita Rudner

17. My husband wanted one of those big-screen TV's for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.
~Wendy Liebman

18. I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
~Douglas Adams

19. I have an aunt who married so late in life that Medicare picked up 80 percent of the honeymoon.
~Don Reber

20. I hate housework- you make the beds, you do the dishes...and six months later you have to start all over again.
~Joan Rivers

21. My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
~Henny Youngman

22. Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.
~Bob Thaves

23. I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
~W.C. Fields

24. Insanity doesn't run in my family. It gallops.
~Cary Grant

25. When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.