Hi Denice,

It is so interesting to hear the stories and share our grief on this forum. I am very glad you responded to my post. It is so very hard to deal with the emotions and I know I have been able to handle things a bit better with writing and hearing from so many who are in the same position.

Steve also never complained, thankfully was not in pain, and really was a fighter until the last few days. He just finally said one day, "I'm done". He was ready and we had talked about it, and I knew he just knew it was not going to be any better. He did radiation the last week of his life, and I almost wish he hadn't, it took a lot out of him and that is when he really started to slide. BUt he wanted to live so much and was so upset he had put so much on my shoulders.....but I would have done anything for him, we were friends in high school, before getting married. I travel for business and felt guilty I was not home with him every day the last year. But I had to support us, and thankfully have good health insurance.

He made me promise no hospital at the end, so he was home and I was very glad he was. The last 24 hours he was not himself, I know it was the cancer, and tried so hard to not take what he said and did to heart, but some of things he said really hurt.  I  wish he had been able to hold me and tell me he loved me, I know he did, but was hard to not hear it one last time.

Please feel free to keep in touch, I think we all benefit from each other. take care and may your days be better,

Beth

Beth,

I just had to respond to your post.  My husband also died on June 3 from cancer.  I wish he had a "cancer" book or journal; he was not one to write.  I do have comfort that he made a few of our friends promise to "take care of" me. After the group promised, one reminded him that I was very independent and I could actually take care of myself--but if I needed something they would be there.  Even though I know he knew that, it was like a light bulb went off and he understood that I was going to be okay without him.  He was holding on for me, it only was about a week later that he passed away. He was always a giver...he never asked for anything and I know he hated it that I had to do many of the things he always just did.  He lost his independence when he couldn't drive the last few weeks.  He only wanted family to help him also; he didn't want to be a burden. He never complained about being in pain.  Only once after we brought him home from the hospital on hospice did he tell me he wanted more medicine; and that was only after I reminded him that I was only giving him small doses and I could give him more if he wanted.

We were together about 25 years, but we had been friends even longer.  He had been sick for some time (about 9 years) with multiple myeloma, but was a fighter...in numerous remissions, but the last year we couldn't get him back into remission.  Those nasty amyloids just kept attacking his organs.  I believe he now has a perfect body and is with Jesus and I will see him again one day. I sure miss him.

I'm going to keep coming back to this forum even if I just read others posts.  I'll probably post from time to time.

Denice

CarolynD49:  I also lost my baby sister (59 yrs old) last year on Thanksgiving Day.  I have lost my husband, father and mother, but nothing in my life has been this painful.  My little sister was waiting for a liver/kidney transplant and unbelievably was a patient in the hospital when she got the calls AT HER HOME three times in one night, from this same hospital where she was a patient, offering her a transplant.  I never left her beside for 2 months and was with her at the hospital when she received these calls -- unfortunately, she lived alone so no one got the messages and the liver went to someone else. She was then sent to rehab because she had gotten so weak ,from the hospital's lack of care, that she was told she was not strong enough for a transplant.  She died 10 days later.  Unfortunately, this good Catholic hospital in Washington, D.C. takes no responsibility for their mistake.  My faith in God, hospitals, doctors and mankind has been destroyed.   My family and friends don't talk about her because they want me to move on with my life, and they say that "it will get better."   I am sorry if I sound bitter and cold, Carolyn, but as you said it is unbearable dealing with her loss.  Down deep inside I trust that someday we will be together again.  All my best to you. Ilene

Hi!

You touched my heart and my thoughts are with you.

That poem was the most beautiful poem that I have ever read and so true.

My mom is in a nursing home, 91 years old with dementia and can't walk.

My father, I live with, and is 89 years old.

We both can't except that my mom isn't with us but we do visit her everyday!

I am sad but try and remember the good times, shopping, cooking and eating her delicious meals, and just talked to her and getting helpful advise.   I miss her brother and two sisters.  Those were happy times.

I know what you mean about people not contacting you.   During wakes they say, I'll keep in touch but then you don't hear from them again.    I guess everybody has their own lives and problems, too!

I'll keep you in my prayers.

I am so sorry for your loss as well as all our losses!!!! I am struggling with this gut wrenching pain, lonliness and guilt, it has been almost 19 months since I lost my hubby and best friend to lung cancer and it just isn't getting better for me. I try to remember the good times and all I can remember is his last 2 weeks. I was his caregiver with the help of a hospice nurse that came twice a week or more if I needed her, I was alne with him when he passed and I will never forget the look on his face. I keep praying for God to help me, has he forsaken me???...tiff

My heart goes out to you, Beth, as you grieve your loss. I came here because I lost my baby sister (46 yrs old) to cancer and it has been unbearable dealing with the loss. I have lost many people in my life but have not lost a spouse like you did. My older sister did, however, and I know the pain that she went through. They had been married just under 25 years when he passed. I know that God is watching over you and will help you to get through this tough time. And if your faith is like mine, we will be with our loved ones once again and that will truly be heaven! Take care of yourself.

Carolyn

I feel your pain as if it is my own and I can relate to the feeling of being lost and not caring about anything people tell me it was Gods will, it will get better or get out and do something, all these things are said to help us cope but I guess what I am trying to say is you go through several stages of grief, unbelief,sadness, loss, anger, the why's the I should haves,then finally some acceptance of the things we cannot control. Remember always that God has a reason even though we don't understand why did He take him and not me that is the question i ask myself a lot what good am I at the age of 67 I felt My life was done foolish me I started giving my things away to get ready for my day so my kids wouldn't have to deal with what I had to. Pretty irational huh? When you lose the other half of yourself you are so confused you just prepare for your time to go. Now of course we are the "Dreaded Widow" our married friends turn away and I think it is because it reminds them they to will have to face this loss,so to ignore us and think there but for the grace of God go I. Any way what I am trying to say it will never go away but it does with time get easier to accept our loss.May your special angel watch over you on your hard days. Judy

My thoughts and prayers are with you, nickie1347. I hope your day goes peacefully and that memories of your husband and best friend bring a smile to your face and warmth to your heart. Take care, know that we are here for you and God bless.

Carolyn