^{Oh help please !  I am 58 and my mom is 86, she lost my dad on Jan 3  of this year, 2009 and they were married for 63 years. I have been too sick to go down to Ca where I was born and raised. and mom has no one there, a few church members who are loyal, but they have their own lives. My mom took care of dad the last 2 years and she lost her health.  I warned against it, asked her to get help, but .......... she got a fungal lung infection  one month after dad died and a bad intestinal infection. She is very depressed and she doesn't seem to want to help herself. I think she wants to live as she will go out with her walker and walk around the area, she can be very determined, but my dad was VERY dominant, He was like the pupeteer and she the string puppet and the puppeteer died !!!!!!! OMG.  So, I get so frustrated not knowing what to do.My health is taking a turn for the better so I think I can fly down soon, I have no money but have asked some friends to help.but what can I talk to her about ? someone who I know via penpal from AARP, she is 81 and lost her hubby of 50 years last Aug but is doing much much better than my mom,anyhow, she said to talk to my mom about childhood days, I don't know what to talk to my mom about. she was well taught by my dad not to have feelings. and now she doesn't. she hasn't even cried once !!!!! I know they are all stuffed in there, but dad was a tough German guy, born in 1914 and I adored him, but many times of that age and culture, feelings were a bad thing WHAT CAN I TALK TO HER ABOUT ON THE PHONE THAT WILL HELP :::::: ?? THANKS SO SO SO MUCH, wENDY}

Hi Laura,

I am so sorry for your loss as well. I have only been a widow since March of 2009, but in many (almost all) of the responses of people I meet who are going through grief for one reason or another, the common thread is the abandonmnt issue. For some reason, people always abandon the one with the loss. They mean well, but I think they just do not know what to do or to say and so they stay away not wanting to deal with it at all.

I have aso found that many of the grief groups are way too intense for me because they focus on the loss and not on building a new life with what we have left. This is a real challenge when you have been married for such a long time and a wonderful partnership and friendship hs been lost. Mine was 40 years as many of you were.

Just having someone there a few times a week for a hug or just to listen or go to a movie or out to dinner, has been the most  valuable for me. Being there for your dad, even if only by phone most of the time, is so important as well. 

Out of everyone in my life, I am lucky enough to have one person who has been there for me through all the tears and the fears. Even though he lives out of state and is married, he has been my emotional support and encourager for the whole 8 months. What a saint!

Lots of love & hugs,

Sharon

Susie,

I really know how you feel when family seems to bail. My Dad's cousin with whom he had been very close in prior years came to the funeral and said he would come to the house after the service. He then changed his mind. He said he would come out to see us the following week but we haven't heard from him since. This was my  father's closest relative. They grew-up together. My Dad's best friend (hasn't seen him much since the stroke) said he would come to the funeral and didn't and sent a card instead. It was simply signed. I don't think my father is reading much into it, but I am. These are people my Dad really cares about and they aren't acting the way I would expect. I don't blame them, I just would really like to know why. People are weird when it comes to death. People don't know what to do. I am reading a book called I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye and it actually gives you a page that you can easily photo copy to give to friends and family to help them help the mourner. I find the idea comforting. If I ever see these people in my Dad's life, I may give it to them.

I know you are right about him needing his time. I am living with him so I do much of the cooking/shopping and can be there for him almost always.

Thank you for your advice and wisdom. Your assessment of how loved ones should behave is right-on. I wish more people understood. My father's doctor has called three times since Mom passed. He has been the most attentive of all. Funny.  Take Care and thank you. Laura

Ann,

I hope if my father goes to one of these meetings he ends up going out to eat or something once in awhile. I know he needs time to grieve, but I don't think it should be all day, every day. Some distraction (not too much) I think is a good idea.  I'm glad your support group is helping you cope. Are there older men that have lost wives there?

Gerri,

 Thank you for your kind words. It helps to hear from others. I have never heard of Griefshare. I will look into it as well as the Hospice suggestion I recieved from others. Sorry for your loss.
Take care. You are in my thoughts. Laura

Thank you so much for your response. I think I will try hospice. Hopefully some guidance from them will help. Take Care of yourself and God Bless.  Laura

Laura ~ Please accept my condolences for the loss of your Mother.  I lost my Mom in 2004 and still have times when I want to see her so very much.  I lost my husband in February of 2008 and am still trying to put my life back together.  Greiving is very hard work.  It is a long journey and having family and friends helps make the journey a little easier.  I attended several 8 week sessions of hospice grief classes and also was a part of a weekly hopsice group.  I would recommend these things not only for your Dad, but also for yourself.  It helps so much to know that you are not alone on this journey and there are others there to give you support and help you shoulder the burden of losing a loved one.  May God Bless each of you.  Jan

Hi Laura,

         I lost my husband of 40 years on July 20,2008. I attended griefshare which is a 13 week session. It is for anyone who suffered a loss. You could attend with your father if you want to at least for the first few sessions. They have griefshare all over so just goggle GRIEFSHARE. I  also would like to offer my sympathy to you and you dad.

                                                                                                                  Gerri