I have been thinking a lot about what Blueslady suggested. I want to make sure I have enough information to make the best decisions, for mom.  I really need to see for myself what is going on back home.  Both mom and my sister are painting very different pictures of the same situation.  I also have to consider my needs in this whole debacle.

We could benefit from a neurtal other party. But if we could agree on doing that, I would only want to deal with the topic of Mom's care.  We are not going to solve all of the deep seated family issues facing us, nor am I interested in opening that toy box.  I used to think if you were family you would be there for each other no matter what but the phrase blood is thicker than water doesn't always apply.  I think we can work out something that allows everyone to get along and get things accomplished.

There has to be some give and take on all sides if this going to work out.  I love it here and have wonderful friends who I would hate to give up.  It would be easier all around though if I moved back there.  But I don't know if it would be good for my mental or spiritual wellbeing.

I think taking longer extended trips is a good plan. I was able to use FMLA a few years ago.  In my job holidays are the hardest time to get time off.  I would have a better chance planning for a few weeks or a month at the beginning of '09.  I will pitch the idea of joint counseling to my sister.  Hey what have I got to loose!

Thanks Jane 

  I think Blues Lady's advice is very wise. I'm sorry you and your sister aren't getting along right now. Would it help if the three of you met, or at least the two of you sisters, in front of a counselor of some sort next time you're down in California? Making peace before your mother passes on would be a huge investment in future relations. When there's tension between siblings, everything is harder, and sometimes the disagreements can get full blown into litigation over the estate, even if there isn't much to fight over. This happened with some cousins of my father. Terrible rifts happened there.  I do sincerely hope it never gets that bad between you.

A free source of counseling would be your local (or your mother's local) Area Agency on Aging which provides free geriatric case management and information/ referral services.

I'm also thinking, gosh, a year is a long time with a woman who's 94, even though she may live another 10 years. Do you want to move to Southern California, with or without your mother there? You may be single but that doesn't mean you don't have a social network up north. I'm just wondering for your sake. Could you take longer chunks of time to visit your mother? Even take a bit of time off, unpaid, under the family medical leave act, say at Christmas time? Time spent now means a lot to you and your mother. After a year you can still move, or move her up. But you never know. I'm a fan of "Regret-Prevention".  :-)

Just a few thoughts. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Jane

  Great suggestions! Whether I move there or she comes here, I want to spend quality time with her while we can enjoy each other's company.  I want to make sure her wished are honored to the degree I can do so.  Thanks for the reassuring words.

Since your mom is enjoying good health, and you can retire in about a year, you can most likely  use this year to make plans.  You know that everything is more expensive in southern california, but the weather is such that fuel for heating costs will be minimal, and you will be close to your family.  I would suggest close, but not with if possible for living arrangements.  Everybody need their space and privacy at times.  You are wise to consider your sisters situation.  I know that I loved my mom, but living in her home, as an adult would not be an easy thing to do.  If you do move there, perhaps you can arrange to split what ever "care" is involved, and do special occassion things together as a family. Like Mothers Day,  Bithdays etc.   Really, let your mom know that this may be a future arrangement that you are considering.  Check on homes in the area, and the availability of facilities of interest to you.  (Like Church, Gym, Clubs, do you play Golf? restaurants, shopping, etc.}  You have a year to research and make plans and arrangements.  I hope that you get to visit for holidays and look around.  Do you still have friends, classmates, or co workers in the area?  If so, talk to them, have them keep an eye out for the type of place you have in mind.  What with todays housing market, you may find a real bargain.  Most importantly, do not allow this situation to stress you out.  You are a thoughtful, loving daughter doing every thing possible to be responsible and you deserve credit for your concern about your mom and sister.