In 1975, my husband and I adopted 3 older children, all biological sisters, and have raised one of our granddaughters.  This child has been the light of our lives and the blessing of our "old age".  At age 10 she began requested that we adopt her at age 18.  Shortly after her 21st birthday we legally adopted her, making her our 4th daughter.   Because of drug and alcohol usage by her mother during her pregnancy, Kecia was diagnosed with ADD/ADHD and depression at age10.  Today, she has a high school diploma because we home schooled her the last 2 years of high school.  She had difficulty functioning in a school system which did not understand ADD/ADHD students.  While she worked for approximately 2 years at a local pet store, due to the economy she has been unable to find a job.  With her lack of additional educational skills and work experience, she has little to offer a potential employer.  She has lived with us since she was 11 days old.  After her unemployment ran out, we have supported her minimally (gas and pocket money).  Her inability to find employment makes it almost impossible for her to live on her own, or even with someone else, particularly in a city which emphasises "upscale" living.  When she did work her take-home pay was minimum wage which would not have enabled her to live independently. 

I am not making excuses but what do we do except assist her considering the present state of our economy?  Sure, we could force her out of the home and her choices are a Salvation Army Shelter, the Homeless Shelter, or the streets.  Neither her biologial mother or father have ever supported or assisted her.  In fact, her mother still lives on public assistance and is addicted to Cocaine.  We feel that, although it is a little tough since I retired, if any of our children will be with us to help us as we become older and less able to care for ourselves, it will be this 4th daughter.

She is no happier living with us at 24 years of age than we are having her here.  However, if we follow the directions left by Christ before his cruxification, we cannot turn her out to live on the streets.  Going to a shelter would allow her to have  only a few of her belongings.   She is very attached to us and has little or no relationship with her biological parents. We are blessed that we had no debts, a house with no mortgage and a car with no lien.  What little money we give this child is far less that it might cost us one day to move into assisted living.  We have always been there for her and we feel she will be here for us should the need ever arise.

Dottie

But how do you cut the cord?  Do you have any suggestions?

Be honest with your children and learn to say "NO".  My husband and I were care givers for our parents, especially my mother and step-father, so I simply have to remind them what 'changing adult diapers' was like and they back off.  We did help them considerably when we could but can no longer.  We want to be independent forever but if not...then it's their turn.  Explain how you feel; they may be angry at first but if they really love you (and I'm sure they do) then they will learn the old/new realities of life. Good luck; and leave the stress behind.

We have three sons, never married; all professionals.  At different times in their lives we have helped them both financially and emotionally.  Now the tide has changed; we live (or he lives) with the youngest son (40). Two generational household.   My husband lost his pension due to restructuring; my pension is small as I did not work during the years our sons were young.  But between the three of us, we make due.  We rent, having sold our home 12 years ago.  Due to unforeseen circumstances, we live only on our SS and pension.  We are debt free but cash poor.  Now if necessary our sons help us.  I think it has been a fair exchange.  Family takes care of family.

I also helped my son and his family move back to our city.  Meantime another son had to move back home. At the time I was able to do this and still be ok.  I am now on social security.  My husband is retired.  There was so much going on and I emotionally got caught up in this.   We are now struggling to keep things going.   I know how difficult it is.  Because I didn't have the staminia to draw a line we are now very stressed out.  Where does it end?!!!!

I wholeheartedly agree with you. I am doing okay financially so why shouldn't I help my son? I only have one child and everything I have would go to him after my death anyway. He is 37 and has been living in the small house he grew up in . I offered to help him with a downpayment on a bigger ,newer house.  He is so excited about  having a nicer house and he has been working hard on the old one so he can rent and have some income from it. Wealthy families have been doing this for generations , it is about time the middleclass realized there is nothing "wrong" in taking care of our own. I know if I ever really need anything, he will be there for me too. I think it is what God expects of us.

My son was married with children 15 years. When he became disabled and unable to work his wife decided to end the marriage. He had no place to go and was unable to care for himself. He came back home. after a year his daughter was unable to continue to live with her mother and we also took her in. Eventually she went back home to live with Mom but my son continues to live with us. He is now 40 years old with teenage children. He continues to be unable to work or afford to go out on his own due to medical expenses.

I know other people who are disabled live on their own. But they live in poverty. It would be great if he could be totally financially independent and in his own place. But it seems alittle cruel to me. Why is it so bad that families help each other and care for each other? In other countries families and extended families care for each other and remain in the same home. It is only in America where we have become so independent of one another. Some how I feel we have lost something in the process of our independence. The respect for the elderly, the disabled, the weak, of our society have been discriminated against  and continue to be because they do not fit into the "norm" of what society dictates.

Our daughter who is 24 moved back home after living with a guy who was abusive.  Of course we wanted her out of that situation.  During the time she lived with him since he had no job she built up a lot of debt.  We have problems because my name is on her loan for her car and for a health insurance loan.  She does not pay these like she should and therefore my credit is going down the tubes just like hers.  We don't have the money to bail her out and wouldn't on anything that didn't have our name on it too.  Our 20 year old son came home after trying college and not liking it.  He tried to find a job all over the place.  Our rule is you don't live at home unless you have a job.  He is back working at McDonald's where he worked when he was in high school.  He is paying off school loans and plans to go to a junior college when he has those paid off.  Daughter tries to take advantage of living at home while son understands our lack of money and doesn't push or ask for money.   

It is just really hard on young kids to get a job that will pay them enough to live on their own.  Right now jobs are hard to get everywhere!!