Raising Grandchildren
 
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Date Created:
April 3, 2008
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Parenting & Grandparenting
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Raising Grandchildren
This group is for grandparents who are raising grandchildren to communicate, share tips and discuss challenges, solutions and triumphs along the way!
  Post to Topic     Print   Daugher and two children living with me and husband
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MeMa1957 said:
on November 5, 2009 11:55 PM ET

Just need a little advice or help in a problem.  My oldest daugher age 30 moved into our home over 7 months ago with her 5 yr old son and 9 year old daughter.  She did this after going through a divorce.  It took her 4 months to find a job at a gas station and only works about 20 hrs a week.  After work Every night and sometimes she is off at 8:00 pm and sometimes at 11:00 but does not arrive home until 2:00 - 6:00 am in the morning. She goes to her boyfriend's house (who also lives with his parents age 30)  My daughter's younges child age 5 is this man's child.  Both of my daugher's children were born out of wedlock, and both of the guys were brothers.  One of the brother's died 7 years ago.

My situation is that I work from home about 24 hrs a week...but have to pretty much stay at my desk as we are audited round the clock.  My daughter will come home at the wee hours of the morning and sleeps until about 11:30 to go get her child from school.  Then she comes home and sleeps more or goes to get her boyfriend whom does not drive (age 30) and takes him to work.  Then she comes back home and gets ready for her job and leaves.  I tend the kids in the am to try and get breakfast to them, tend them after school, do homework, baths, put them to bed.  Most of the hours she is galavanting around with the boyfriend.

We recently had a blow out because I honestly feel when she is off work she should be home with the children.  They will cry for her and what not and grandpa and I are consoling them.  She does not pay a penny for anything, has not tried hard to get a better job so she can move out. Her main focus is this guy!  I threatened taking custody of them and that did not go over well to say the least.  Yesterday she threatened to leave with the children and move into her lesbian freinds' home.  I have met one girl and she does seem very decent...but I am pretty concerned there will be drugs, alcohol and sexual behavior going on around the kids. Right now they have stability, good friends, good school, and grandparents who love them.  I am so afraid for them, but feel that if my daughter did move out and things did not go her way that maybe she would try to move forward in getting a better job and place to live.

Big question..do I tell her that by her moving out would be the best thing, or do I just  allow what is going on to continue? And my daughter just remaining in her rut.  My husband and I's relationship is pretty much damaged at this point as I tend to "explode" with these issues and he can't stand it!  Today I ended up in the ER with anxiety issues. Any words of advice would be appreciated!
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9 posts by 5 users
oiliveoil913
Post #9
oiliveoil913 replied to MeMa1957's Post #8 :
on November 6, 2009 09:26 PM ET
edited on November 6, 2009 09:31 PM ET

Ah....I have a total of 20 grandchildren (9 great grandchildren + 11 grandchildren.) These includes 3 with me. Everyone lives away from me and I am happy to have this time with these three. Thanks for your reply...namaste.. olive oil aka merrilee... as Popeye would say.."I yam what I yam"


MeMa1957
Post #8
MeMa1957 replied to oiliveoil913's Post #7 :
on November 6, 2009 08:42 PM ET

How lucky you are that the parents do take responsibility for their children.  I absolutely adore my grandkids I have a total of 8, including the 2 who live with me, they are the light of my life!


oiliveoil913
Post #7
oiliveoil913 said:
on November 6, 2009 07:38 PM ET

Hello all....Being new to the group, please allow me to say I read all posts (grandparents) and am grateful for all words that are said. MeMa..having 3 grandchildren live with me (their parents are in their lives ..do not live here) I understand your feelings. I wish to send you (if I am not too bold) lots of hugs. I am 76 and still work part time.(A Title V program)l. Very often I am frustrated, loose my patience and cry. .mostly about their parents.  These children would not be better off in  foster care and deserv the best I am able to give them.If not me...who?  Sharing delightful moments with the children helps me to keep on..

For example tonight on my space, the 15 year old and a friend recorded a lovely song...he is a wise young man. The 12 year old is an A plus student.. although she is not Ms. Personality, she wishes to be a Judge.. The eight year old  bubbles and bounces...and sometimes has "hissy fits." she wants to be a pediatrician.  Their parents are very much in their life and  helpful in many ways..i.e. cooking, cleaning, helping with youth athletics. . . The relationship of their parents is rocky and there is some addictive behavior involved. While both parentshave much anger,  the children continue to amaze me!

Most sincerely  ...Merrilee

 

 

 


GranPaChuck
Post #6
GranPaChuck replied to MeMa1957's Post #5 :
on November 6, 2009 04:18 PM ET

You are welcome. And a vision comes to mind when I talk about our family. I tell everyone, we are not the Brady Bunch, but more like the Rosanne Family..

It isn't easy, or do the solutions come over night... Little steps a vip and actually may take many years... But a family that can talk together and work out their problems is a direction we hope we can take...

I've been retired for a few years now, and my financial advisor told me, If you want to survive these trying times, don't lend money to your kids... Did I listen??? NO  But will I let my children not take responsiblity for their children?? NO

So good luck and I sincerely hope everyone is in a relatively good mood..


MeMa1957
Post #5
MeMa1957 replied to GranPaChuck's Post #2 :
on November 6, 2009 03:57 PM ET

Thanks so much for your words of advice.  We are having a family meeting tomorrow and I am definitley using some of what you have said to get our points across. THANKYOU!


MeMa1957
Post #4
MeMa1957 replied to terrileew's Post #1 :
on November 6, 2009 03:56 PM ET

Thanks so very very much.  We are sitting down tomorrow with her and my husband and trying to make some negotiations or agreements and I am taking some of your god advice to the table.


garbo14
Post #3
garbo14 said:
on November 6, 2009 12:45 PM ET

 

Unfortunately you are enabling your daughter to live this way. Why get a better job, get out of bed to take care of her children, come home directly after work, etc. when she has someone there who will take care of everything and ask nothing in return. When she moved in did you have any kind of contract drawn up or some type of understanding of how things would work and who would be responsible for what? If you didn’t you need to now, immediately. You need to make it very clear what needs to happen and a reasonable timeline to make it happen and be very clear on what the consequences will be for it not happening.
 
I have full guardianship of my daughter’s (28) two children. Everything I have done to try and help her has been for naught. I have finally learned that I cannot help her until she is ready to make some changes in her life. I have made it very clear to her that until that happens on an on-going basis she is on her own and will receive nothing from me. She continues to descend deeper and deeper into a pit and just can’t seem to catch on to how life works.
 
I think, at this juncture, you would have a difficult time getting custody of her children without her consenting. You may want to propose this to her and explain to her that at this time it would be in their best interest and when she gets her life and priorities worked out then you can dissolve the guardianship. This is what I did with my daughter. 
When my daughter was living with me I make it absolutely clear to her that if she wanted to leave and chase around she was free to do so, however, the children would not, under any circumstances, be leaving my household to go with her and she could call the police or whomever she wanted, but there was no way she would be taking them into the “pit” with her. As her priorities are only what she wants at the time it was a safe bet she would just leave to do her thing knowing the children were well cared for. I don’t know what your situation is and how something like this would play out.
 
There is a web site called www.loveandlogic.com that I signed up to receive their weekly words of wisdom. Last week it had to do with adult children at home. It was very insightful and fits your situation. I will attach at the end. They have some really good ideas and have many books on the subject, all of which I’m sure you can find at your local library rather than have to purchase as they can get pricey.
 
“Most of us can agree that far too many adult kids are allowed to develop Perpetual Peter Pan Syndrome by their parents. In plainer language, their parents allow them to live at home, never expecting them to grow up.
 
With this said, there are some circumstances under which it's perfectly fine to help our kids by allowing them to live under our roofs for a limited amount of time. Listed below are some questions designed to help parents decide whether to continue helping out…or to gently yet firmly ease them out of the nest. The more "yes" answers you provide, the more likely that it's okay to help them out for a while.
 
Is my child working harder on his/her life than I am?
As soon as you start working harder than they do, you begin to steal their maturity and self-respect.
 
Is my child respectful and appreciative?
I'm amazed at how many parents help adult children who treat them like garbage.
 
Is my child making real financial or sweat-related contributions to the home?
Adult children must do their fair share of chores AND pay rent in the form of cash payments or plenty of extra, meaningful chores.
 
Does my child understand that our house is not a low-rent motel?
Never help if your child thinks they can party, come and go at all hours of the night, or treat you like a maid.
 
In their book From Innocence to Entitlement, Jim Fay and Dawn Billings discuss how to recognize when your kids are developing a dangerous sense of entitlement, as well as what to do if they are. This book is a must-read for any parent who finds them self saying "No" to any of the questions listed above.
 
Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay”

GranPaChuck
Post #2
GranPaChuck said:
on November 6, 2009 10:52 AM ET

I will say one thing. As long as your daughter continues to do her own thing, and not take some responsibility for her children and paying just a wee bit for the living expenses, nothing will change. And actually bottomline, you may have to kick your daughter out.

However, in our case, my wife was able to get guardianship of the grandchildren, before our youngest followed the trail of drugs... We did have a confortation where we did have to kick our daughter out.. Then our daughter went to another state and it took 4 years for her to decide that her children were more important that the drugs.

It has now been over 8 years that our daughter has been back.. She and her children live with us, but she does pay for her living expenses and does tend to her children... Still not an easy task, especially now that 2 of them are teenagers.. But, hey that what life is all about..

We all need to be responsible for our actions...And believe me it is no easy task to say to some one, get out and get a life.

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