of course anthony is getting worse, on thursday 9/10/09 he was arguing with me and when he called me a foul name I tried to open his door and he slammed it on my arm. right away a big lump the size of a lime popped on top of my elbow. I went to the er and sort of  explained half straight to the doctor. she had to report it to social services cause she said it was considered domestic violence. the worker talked to me for about half an hour and I convinced her that it was my fault too for being stubborn. and on wednesday I received a call that the father of my kids had died in Mexico, funny but it didn't affect me cause I never had a life with him. I hadn't seen him for over ten years. then to top things off my oldest son, sent a letter stating that I am over dramatic, that what i write to him could not be true. and all this time I thought I could count on him to rely on his sympathy and understanding. wow, goes to show that we can't rely on anyone but ourselves.

so  the lawyers worked out a deal, 50/50. ypu get to spend a week with mom and one with dad. some of his  requests were denied. so you finally spend seven days here. we could not get enough of you, we took you everywhere, the park ,the  merry go round, and cec. but most of all, I think the happiest moments were when you spend time with your mommy, just hugging her and kissing her, you never failed to tell her you love her.  such a little boy and you have matured so much this last few months, all this grown ups fighting and arguing pulling you every which way. I think they are so angry with each other and they think they are hurting each other but the one that's hurting more is you.  I hope that with time they realize that  your needs are greater than theirs, they need to work things out. Don't forget grandma loves you.

nine more days til court date. yesterday when your daddy came to pick you up his car radiator blew up, Karma is a drag. he has been acting totally with so much anger and disgust towards your mom and me and your uncle. he won't get out of the car anymore, just parks outside and waits til you go out or waits til we open the door when he drops you off. I'm surprised he brought you two days in a row. we didn't get to see you all weekend, though. this last few months have been so long, when we do see you you seem so much older than four. but you still love our hugs and kisses, you stll like playing hide and seek, going to the park and going to Chuck E. Cheese. we treasure the few hours that you are here, but time goes by so fast. since you dad doesn't want to talk to your mom, we don't know when or for how long you will be here, we just sit here everyday day waiting and wondering if he will bring you and for how long. that is very selfish of him, trying to own you like a piece of property, you belong to him and nobody else can have you until he feels like it.

nine more days til court date. yesterday when your daddy came to pick you up his car radiator blew up, Karma is a drag. he has been acting totally with so much anger and disgust towards your mom and me and your uncle. he won't get out of the car anymore, just parks outside and waits til you go out or waits til we open the door when he drops you off. I'm surprised he brought you two days in a row. we didn't get to see you all weekend, though. this last few months have been so long, when we do see you you seem so much older than four. but you still love our hugs and kisses, you stll like playing hide and seek, going to the park and going to Chuck E. Cheese. we treasure the few hours that you are here, but time goes by so fast. since you dad doesn't want to talk to your mom, we don't know when or for how long you will be here, we just sit here everyday day waiting and wondering if he will bring you and for how long. that is very selfish of him, trying to own you like a piece of property, you belong to him and nobody else can have you until he feels like it.

another week gone by and again today we didn't see eddie. I want you to know baby how much I cry for you, wondering if you are alright if you're crying for your mommy, or if you are being treated right.  we still have twenty more days til court day I count every minute, every day, and every hour. I hate going to sleep at night wondering if you're missing us.. I'm so sorry you have to go through all this for one mistake your mom made. for her mistake you are paying the price. your dad is being selfish and stubborn. he thinks he owns you, you are his possession and your feelings don't matter to him, as long as he's happy. I wonder who tucks you in at night, who reads you a bedtime story, who gives you a goodnight kiss after your prayers. I hope you still remember the prayer I taught you, you have to have faith that all this will soon pass. you are still a little boy, you don't know what's going on, you have no rights according to your father. your feelings don't matter to him cause he's trying to teach you to be a man, and at thirty he still runs to his mommy for everything. Your mommy's lawyer is not helping at all, she won't answer our calls and today, when I finally got through to her, she gave me attitude. she says she's doing all she can and when she hears from his lawyer she will call your mommy. so in the meantime we wait, we cry, and we hope your dad has a change of heart. he's doing all this to hurt your mom but he's only hurting you more.     I LOVE YOU BABY, GOD BLESS YOU AND SLEEP WITH ANGELS

today was a very unexpected day. when the father dropped off my grandson at nine, my daughter got scared cause he looked sick.. he was complaining of a headache and his eyes were very watery. we took him to the E.R andthey took him in right away and ran all kinds of tests, spinal tap, brain scan and blood tests. the doctors thought it might be menengitis, since he's only four and with a headache. I was so scared I couldn't stop crying and praying. after almost four hours the results were negative. he's great, back to his old self. maybe it's all the drama he's going through, maybe he misses us not being there for him at night to tuck him in. who knows what he goes through when he has only a nineteen yr. old caring for him. what if she's too busy on the phone or computer to even care if he's crying or sad. by the time his dad gets home at midnight he probably cried himself to sleep. he is still being selfish about letting him stay the night here, the only home he's ever known. thaankfully my daughter got a lawyer and she should have her parental and custody reinstated.

well it finally happened, she returned on tuesday the 28th. I picked her up from the airport and little eddie was happy to see his mom, after months of not seeing her. of course there was much drama after the father found out she was back home. he left work to come over and had a talk with all of us. he said it's nothing against me the grandma, and anthony the uncle, it's just that he will never trust her again and the baby will no longer spend the nights here. I told him I had to allow her back , she has no where to go. everbody dislikes her for what she did, abandoning her son for drugs and a lowlife dealer. even though she brought that upon herself everyone deserves a second chance. I thought I would be that last person to take her back after all her verbal abuse towards me, her hostility, her failure to pay me for her bills. but I'm doing this for my grandson, to have his life back to as normal as it was before. with time he'll forget this last months when his mom wasn't around and he was going from house to house.

I finally met lil eddie's caretaker last night. she seems like a nice girl, too young, she must have more interesting things to do than care for a four year old. so she stopped by today at five to take him home, six hours is a long time for her to care for him. anyway, he had just taken a nap and I asked if she could come later for him, he wakes up very cranky and she won't be able to tolerate that. so she'll be back around eight tonight. of course I couldn't help but start crying, all the problems my little grandson is going through, his whole world is turned upside down, just cause that fool decided to abandon him. he has to adjust to different families, different styles, beliefs and totally different upbringing. who knows what he goes through at his dad's house, yes his dad loves him but he gets home at midnight, not enough time to see him while he's awake. I hope my "daughter" comes to her senses and takes custody again. she really needs to straighten up her life and start caring about her son, she's missing out on so much.

I KNOW THAT NO AMOUNT OF TEARS AND REGRETS WILL BRING MY BROTHER BACK, BUT THAT'S ALL I CAN OFFER NOW. I CAN HONESTLY SAY I HATE MYSELF FOR COMPLAINING ABOUT SPENDING A FEW HOURS WITH HIM. I COULD HAVE GIVEN HIM MORE TIME, INSTEAD I COMPLAINED. MY BROTHER LEFT PEACEFULLY LAST WEEK, WEDNESDAY MORING ONE A.M. THANKFULLY THE NURSE WAS THERE. I HAD SPEND THE PREVIOUS NIGHT WITH HIM, CAME HOME AT EIGHT AND WENT BACK ALL DAY. HE WAS VERY ILL, I WILL NEVER FORGET THE PAIN AND SUFFERING HE WENT THROUGH. MY NINETEEN YEAR OLD SON WAS THERE WITH ME THROUGH  THE WHOLE PROCESS, HE GOT A NEW INSIGHT AND A PROFOUND LOVE FOR HIS UNCLE. I WISH I COULD HAVE DONE MORE, I WISH I COULD HAVE TOLD HIM I LOVED HIM. IN OUR FAMILY WE NEVER USE THE LOVE WORD, WE GREW UP NOT KNOWING HOW TO SAY THAT WORD TOWARDS EACH OTHER, HOPEFULLY HE KNOWS I LOVED HIM. GOD BE WITH YOU BROTHER I LOVE YOU.

I CAN'T  BELIEVE A WHOLE WEEK JUST WENT BY AND I LOST TRACK OF TIME. EVERY DAY I'VE BEEN GOING TO MY BROTHER'S HOUSE, MAKE HIM DINNER AND SIT WITH HIM A FEW HOURS TO KEEP HIM COMPANY. ON WEDNESDAY I WAS WITH HIM SEVEN HOURS, I TOOK HIM TO THE HOSPITAL FOR HIS PARACENTISIS, DRAINING WATER FROM HIS STOMACH. BY THE TIME I GOT HOME I WAS SO SICK I COULDN'T WALK, I HAD A TERRIBLE MIGRAINE HEADACHE. I THINK IT'S GETTING TO ME, BUT I CAN'T LEAVE HIM ALONE, THAT'S ALL HE LOOKS FORWARD TO THE FEW HOURS I GO THERE. ANYWAY I CALLED HIS COUNSELOR AND HE'S GOING TO ARRANGE FOR HOSPICE TO HELP OUT. I THINK IT'S THE STENCH OF CIGARETTE SMOKE ALONG WITH THE HEATER ON HIGH, 85 DEGREES. THAT MAKES ME SICK. I'VE NEVER SMOKED SO I CAN'T GET USED TO HIM SMOKING IN HIS CRAMPED  APARTMENT. TODAY I MADE HIM FISH, CREAMED SPINACH,AND VEGETABLES. I ALSO BOUGHT HIM A SMALL PIE. HE HAS SUCH WIERD CRAVINGS, LEMON MERINGUE PIE, APPLE AND CHERRY PIE. HE ALSO HAD A CRAVING FOR HALIBUT, I HAD TO GO LOOKING FOR IT EVERYWHERE. GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH