Well, I started...

In my first entry I just typed and purged and oops, didn't proof read.  Oh well, the meat of the message is there.  It has been an awful, interesting and telling journey.  I learned lots and lots about myself.  Some I didn't like.  Some I would like to change, and some I am just going to keep because it's fun, annoying to others or intriguing.

I thought a lot about sharing this experience and my gut reaction in to keep it to myself.  This is not a side I me I want the world to know.  I want to be the strong and smiling go to person many think I am.  It's ok to share now.  I am on the road back.  The whole experience can be rolled into a few and telling paragraphs.  Then, it will be interesting to see where I go from here.

I was somebody.  I had a business, a home, a life I loved, and a fun and kind best friend to love.  Then, Pat died.

I was so unprepared.  We had know the day would come.  Pat had AML [acute myelogenous leukemia] and the odds are against you.  I thought I was prepared.  I knew what I was facing...NOT! 

During Pat's illness, we had to divest ourselves of our beloved dogs and birds.  They were our 'here' children.  Mike and Molly, our human children lived on their own. 

When I left the hospital that final day, after doing all the right things, I found myself alone for the first time.  No one to talk to.  No dogs to walk or care for.  No one to do for.  I didn't know how to make me #1.

The journey from that December day in 2004 has been long, lonely, challenging, frightning, rewarding [finally] and most of all ongoing.

Maybe I need into words the myriad of feelings that have made this impossible remake, possible.