I saw Shannon Zinn three weeks ago.  She said that since the Synvisc shots hadn't worked on my right knee, we probably shouldn't use it on my left knee.  That was fine with me.  She suggested I start taking Celebrex, but warned me that it wouldn't take effect for two weeks.  And I couldn't take any ibuprofen with it.  That left me with Ultracet which Dr. Lewis didn't want me doubling up on.  Shannon also told me to make an appointment to see Dr. Austin to talk about TKA.  Does that mean arthroscopic surgery or knee replacement?  Guess I'll find out on November 13th when I see him.  And he's not taking a knife to me until he can prove to me the pain isn't coming from a nerve, but my knee.

Major problem with all this is that now I have no pain relief for the morning.  I can only take one Ultracet when I woke up and had to wait until breakfast to take the Celebrex.  I'm hurting badly almost all day.  And my theory is the pain is nerve pain, not from arthritis.  When I walk Jillette the pain shoots down the side and front of my calf and sometimes up through my thigh.

Yesterday, for the first time, I couldn't walk Jillette.  We got to the corner and had to turn around.  When I got home I broke out the TENS unit and the Biofreeze spray.  The pain down the front of my leg hurt so badly I could barely stand it.  I realized then that I had forgot to take the Celebrex.  So, I guess it's working a bit.

My big problem is should I cancel my trip to Arkansas.  I have enough time to change planes on the way down, but have requested wheelchair assistance on the way back.  That leaves the days when I'm visiting.  I won't be able to walk far; I won't be able to shop much.  Or play with the girls.  I have no breakthrough pain meds.  At least the two week Celebrex period will be over before I leave.  If it doesn't start working well, I'm going to stop taking it and start the ibuprofen again.

Mornings are still the worst part of my day.  Getting out of bed, straightening my left knee is horrendous.  Until the Ultracets take effect and bring my pain level down from 8 to 6, I fear movement.

I saw Dr. Lewis on Friday.  She questioned my taking two Ultracet first thing in the morning, but didn't give me an alternative.  She wasn't pleased that I was taking two-three ibuprofens daily either.  I can't exist without them.  Maybe I'll call her on Monday and ask if she can suggest an alternative.  Probably not.  I just have to wait until October 2nd when I see Dr. Austin.  Maybe the Hylauronic shots will work.  We can't consider surgery until after I get back from Arkansas.  That's going to be quite an experience!

The CFIDS & FM Self-Help Book identifies five stages of grief people with chronic illness must go through.  They're the same stages we go through during a profound loss.  I'm just about finished with the stages of grief for losing Butch.  Now I have to go through them again because I'm losing me.

Fibromyalgia has robbed me of a good part of my life.  Well, it robbed me of my life years and years ago, but I only realized it when I was diagnosed four years ago.  I think I'm finished with the first stage: denial and disbelief.  For a long time, I thought my symptoms were just because I was getting old.  Really?  Sixty was old?  For the past four years I've gone about my life like there was nothing wrong with me.  And paid the price - dearly.  Did I learn from those episodes?  Nope, I just did them over and over again.  Volunteering for too much was the main thing I did wrong.

Well, today I realized when I posted in the Seniors & Friends Fibromyalgia group that I was over the denial and disbelief.  I'm now into the anger and frustration stage.  I want to do more things so badly, but know I'll suffer mightily if I do.  At least I've learned that lesson.  But I'm angry that I can't do more things.  Like applying to work with the Census Bureau for the 2010 census.  But my day is only six hours long.  Six hours from the time I get up, my day is done.  I can do a bit more, but only if I take a nap.  The only things I can do in the evening is read or surf the Internet.  When I was working, I longed for days like this.  Now I hate them.

Guess this stage will take as long as it takes.  Then I hope I skip the next two stages - guilt and depression - and finally accept this diagnosis.  I'm pretty sure I can skip guilt.  There's none to feel.  Nothing and no one gave me this illness.  And I didn't cause it, not really.  The depression stage I might have to go through since I already suffer from chronic depression.  I hope being in that stage doesn't make the depression worse.

Acceptance is the last stage.  That will be when I accept myself and my life.  I'm looking forward to it.